10 April 2012

combining two of my favorite things

amazing. florence welch covering otis redding. not quite sure why kanye west is sitting front row...the only two things i'd like to see combined more would be like...sugar free redbull and nicotine patches or morrissey covering phil collins...either way this song is pretty top notch.

06 April 2012

pug life

BONE PUGZ from Bone Pugz on Vimeo.

my co-workers have no idea how close they came to death today. the only thing that saved them was this video...after watching this and slapping on a few extra nicotine patches it was all puppy dogs and ice cream.

27 March 2012

bitch betta have my donuts...rain, sleet or snow

Delonte West has to be the most hood player in the NBA. I mean this video has it all:

-neck tattoos
-consuming fried chicken sprinkled with hot sauce and washing it down with 'tahiti treat fruit punch' while on the court
-getting cut up by his barber
-right to the photo shoot...HOW PLAY IS THAT MAN?
-hair braiding by the lovely Myaesha while watching spongebob on VHS
-references to 'snitches get stitches'

trains, planes, and automobiles....betta have my dooonuts

04 March 2012

corporal matthew commons

Matthew Commons
Killed in Action: Takur Ghar, Shah-i-Kot Valley
Afghanistan 4 March 2002

On March 4, 2002, Private First Class Matthew Allen Commons, was killed in Afghanistan on mission to rescue another U.S. soldier captured by al-Qaeda fighters.
Corporal Commons was the youngest of the seven American soldiers killed March 4, 2002, in the battle for Takur Ghar. Commons was on board one of two Chinook helicopters attempting to rescue Navy Seal Petty Officer 1st Class Neil Roberts who had fallen from another helicopter and been captured by three al-Qaeda fighters.
PFC Commons was posthumously promoted to Corporal and awarded the Bronze Star for Valor, the Meritorious Service Medal, and the Purple Heart.

Matthew Commons February 18, 1981 - March 4, 2002

14 June 2011

mozzer monday - my life is a succession of people saying goodbye

it's only a matter of time until you look around and all you have left is you.

that first statement may be a bit of an exaggeration...maybe you look around and all you have left is yourself, a pile of empty pabts blue ribbon cans, a quarter bottle of ketel one, an empty box of nicotine patches, half a dozen fire arms, and the escort section that you tore out of the yellow pages. or maybe you don't own those things and it really is just yourself, who knows? i suppose technically even if you did have all of those things it would still be just you - on account of those other things being, you know, inanimate objects. regardless, i have to say i'm surprised it took this long.

enough of that shit. back to top 5 lists next time.

17 May 2011

mozzer monday - last night I dreamt that somebody loved me

so it's been nearly two months since I quit smoking. granted I did have a 30 minute or so self righteous pity party in which I chained smoked half a $15 pack of stale newports sitting in the middle of the side walk on north capitol street during the middle of the day...but that's neither here nor there. so, courtesy of my uber-addictive personality i now have a full on addiction to nicotine patches. so much so that currently i'm wearing seven of the 'step one' 21mg patches, and strongly considering slappig on a few more. according to the box you're supposed to wear 'only one at a time' and move on to step two after two weeks. whatever the fuck ever. you're also not supposed to masturbate with a plastic grocery bag tied over your head - but what can i say? i like to live life on the edge. one of the many wonderful side effects of my newly accquired nicotine patch addiction, and there are many side effects which i'll cover another time, is vivid dreams. vivid dreams followed by insomnia. vivid dreams you ask? that sounds fucking amazing!!! not quite. the warning should say "vivid lame fucking dreams". for example i had a dream about this hot girl i used to really want to hook up with - but, instead of the two of us getting all liquored up and fucking like a couple of caged up jack rabbits in some secret research lab set up by the government to test the effects of mixing piles of viagra, extacy, and pabst blue ribbon...the two of us had a conversation about nail salons. yeah, pretty fucking lame. and to top it off, I haven't been able to sleep longer than three hours a night in over six weeks. and everyone wonders why i've been so god damned angry. well all that changed last night! while i wasn't able to sleep more than three hours, i had a bad ass dream! long story short, i got an email from dr. dre telling me he needed to make a reservation for his house keeper at my hotel - seemed completely normal to me. so naturally him and i become instant buddies and we start talking about how i almost bought a pair of his 'beats by dre.' headphones, but how i'm a 30 year old white boy who owes it to himself not to be walking around wearing 'beats by dre' headphones even though they sound ten times better than the pair i ended up buying, then i asked him when he was going to be in another movie because he totally kicked ass in training day (affleck - you the bomb in phantoms yo!). so then i asked him how many people come up to him on the street or anywhere random and give him their demo and how annoying that must be, at which point he starts to say yeah it's kinda crazy... and i cut him off to ask, what? if you guessed 'can i send you my demo?' than you are exactly right. so he asked me what I sound like and i remember exactly what i said -"i sound just like eminem - accept way angrier" then I woke up covered in sweat and nicotine patches and it was a mere two hours after i had gone to sleep - wide the fuck awake but completely exhausted. so 'last night I dreamt that i sent my demo to dre' doesn't have quite the ring to it as the original.

29 April 2011

i'm in a glass case of emotion

lee greenwood can suck my ass...

holy shit balls. baseball is fucking boring. pair that with some fat fuck who thinks that standing up when they play 'proud to be an american' makes him the biggest patriot since...who was that fucker that said - one if by land, two if by sea? that guy, regardless - fuck him. fuck him and his fat ass one cheeseburger away from a wheelchair fucking wife. and if you're a baseball fan - fuck you too. that felt good.

UPDATE: it's Paul Revere..it's tough trying to remember historical events when you're writting a post on your phone while sitting at a picnic table at nationals park drunk and angry.

20 April 2011

and the truth shall set you free...or some shit

i hate reading a blog, and after the author doesn't update for a while they write something like 'i'm back! I'm going to start updating again!'. fuck those people. but, at the same time 'i'm back bitches! and I am going to start updating again'. it's either this - or prison, and as surprising as this may sound - i am not a fan of unwanted shower sex, so it'll have to be blogging. you'll be happy to know i have a whole new set of issues so you can look forward to a slew of self loathing mozzer mondays, self depricating phil fridays, and the occasional cry for help. who am I kidding? this whole blog has been one big cry for help, but that's neither here nor there. just to wet your appetite here is a quick recap of what you can expect now that i've made my triumphant return, clearly it's going to be all about me- including, but not limited to:
-i'm a disaster
-i'm ridiculously insecure
-i over compensate for my insecurities by being an asshole
-sometimes i wish that i actually believed the things that I said
-quitting smoking has made me angrier than usual
-i never take responsibility for my actions
-i have abandonment issues
-secretly i like depriving myself of things
-i love attention more than anything in the world, way beyond the point of it being healthy
-i'm not truly happy unless i'm depressed
-and recently i've had the overwhelming feeling that I'm destined to die alone, and that's probably going to be sooner than I'd like
-did i mention i'm a disaster already?

well that felt good. now - who needs a drink?

08 April 2011

how does a mustache help in combat?

you see, the enemy sees that mustache, they can't not get a boner. giving the enemy a boner is half the battle.