29 November 2008

would you respect me if I didn't have this gun? because with out it - I don't get it, and that's why I carry one

Really Bitches? I swear the next person with an unkind word to say about Phil is going to have me, my desert eagle, and Patrick Bateman to deal with.

I guess I've killed maybe 20 people, maybe 40. I have tapes of a lot of it, uh some of the girls have seen the tapes. I even, um... I ate some of their brains, and I tried to cook a little. Tonight I, uh, I just had to kill a LOT of people. And I'm not sure I'm gonna get away with it this time.

25 November 2008

it's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all

I fucking knew it all along. I even tried to warn you freedom hating bitches. But you didn't want to listen did you?
Get the latest news satire and funny videos at 236.com.

still don't believe me? check out his inaugural address delivered by Richard Belzer

Watch more The Daily Show videos on AOL Video

20 November 2008

oh superman where are you now? everythings gone wrong somehow

Capt. Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper of the Navy, an astronaut on a mission to the station, was on the first spacewalk of the mission, which involves cleaning and greasing a balky rotary joint, when she discovered that a grease gun had erupted inside its tote bag. While she cleaned up that mess, the bag — containing two grease guns, scrapers and other equipment — floated irretrievably into space.

A woman astronaut? Really? What's next, women voting? Women doctors? Now what if she were describing something women were actually good at? Instead of "fixing a billion dollar piece of equipment that's traveling at 17,000 mph 200 miles above earth", what if she were describing...something like giving handjobs?

I opened up the bag and there was cum everywhere. Well not everywhere, but everywhere. It's interesting in space with things like a handjob. It exploded.I don't know if exploded is the right word to use, but it kinda seeped out and it was just kind of a continous ooze.Unlike something on the ground where you'd find a big blob of cum, or a big pile of cum, it doesn't happen that way in space. In space it just comes out in a small stream and then it breaks off - 1/2 inch piece, an inch piece and then it floats off, you get a lot of little pieces of cum everywhere.

That filthy zero gravity handjob giving astrowhore! This shit never happened on Apollo 15

13 November 2008

before you know it you'll be on your knees, she's an easy lover

One word...wow. There was a time when if your pubes turned green or red it was because you met some hot Latin dude on spring break who ground up on you all night while feeding you mojitos and listening to Chalino Sanchez's greatest hits. The next morning all that was left was a pamphlet on the night stand entitled "Living with Gonorrhea" and you kept it moving. Now it appears the old fashioned way wasn't good enough for some people.

10 November 2008

yes I wish it would rain, rain down on me now

Apparently Jersey City councilman Steve Lipski misunderstood the phrase "making it rain". You expect this kind of thing at say...the Kennedy Center honors, but at the 930 club, it's unacceptable.
Councilman Steven Lipski was caught relieving himself onto several revelers at the 9:30 Club during a concert by a Grateful Dead tribute band Friday night, club sources said.

"He was very drunk," the source said, noting that it wasn't the first time Lipski had caused a ruckus at the popular concert venue.
"We've dealt with this man before," the source added. "He's never peed on anybody, but he gets really belligerent and drunk."

Despite being drug from the club by police following the incident Lipski denies that it was yellow rain that got him in trouble, however he has vowed laying off the sauce. The last time I got pissed on in a club it cost me 100 pesos and I missed the donkey show.

08 November 2008

please get me out of here, just someone get me out of here

November 2008

October 2008

Good to see Vibe Magazine is back to business as usual.So Barrack Obama's cover get's followed by the rapper who dropped this:
You got the pretty set of pussy lips I've never seen
If I want to eat you, I can eat you cause your pussy clean
I thought it was all hair, that pussy sat up in those jeans
But now I got you naked I can see how that pussy hang
I better snap out this shit, or I'ma do the wrong thang
I wanna fuck you raw that pussy like is everything
Now all I wanna know, that pussy get real wet
You got a soaker I got to run my tongue cross your chest
Or I can rub on your clit and just play with ya neck
And let me slide my finger in that pussy just to check
Ain't bout who spends the most money,
its bout who fuck the best
I'm a high bitch who a freak baby when it comes to sex

I guess this means Michelle Obama missed her opportunity to be named Jet's beauty of the week.

06 November 2008

I got some money in my pocket, I don't remember where I got it

Up until yesterday I felt held down by the man, held down and shit on by a pre-op transvestite hooker with full blown aids and a nasty case of diarrhea, by this capitalist country full of idealists. Idealists that think you should have to "work hard" to get what you want. FUCK THAT. Work Hard? I'd rather get warter boarded with syphilitic piss than do that. But now that Barrack "robin mother fuckin hood" Obama is going to be president, shit Welcome to Easy Street bitches. Now that Obama is paying for gas and mortgages, I have more money for lottery tickets. Now that's Change I can believe in.

05 November 2008

oh, think twice, It's another day for you and me in paradise

The most overlooked story of the day. Mayor for life Marion Shepilov Barry, Jr. (D) won re-election in lovely Ward 8 of our Nation's Capital. Ward 8 encompasses such lovely DC neighborhoods as Anacostia, Shipley Terrace, and my favorite vacation spot Barry Farm. "If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate." - Marion Barry 2002.

03 November 2008

we always need to hear both sides of the story

Turn up the snare in my headphones....I got no snare...John "Frosty Freeze" McCain and Sarah "Crazy Legs" Palin popped a lock all over you and your wack ass crew. I wrote that rhyme while I was asleep, I keep my notes in a trapper keep. I'm a bad ass rapper, I keep all my lights on the clapper. I wear flannel, I wanna bang that chick on the weather channel. Barrack Obama.....you got served.

Stick to hating capitalism and freedom - leave the dance battles to the GOP-isl. We out....church -

01 November 2008

I checked your number twice, don't understand it

The following video showcases the friendliest of responses. It's one of my personal favorites.

What would you like for dinner?

Go fuck yourself.

What are you bringing to the office pot luck on Friday?

Go fuck yourself.

Did you watch that Penn State game on Saturday? JoePa is the best coach ever!

Go fuck yourself.

Can you go to the pharmacy and buy me a Plan B pill so I don't look like a whore?

Go...Okay, maybe.