12 December 2008

the memories are hazy now, I don't recall at all

I can count the number of great things that have come out of New Jersey on two fingers. (If you disagree I suggest you take those additional fingers and insert them in your ass you cum gurgling fuck bucket)This is the story of one of them, perhaps I'll get to the other one some day soon. Hoboken New Jersey - December 12, 1915: a man that solidifies the term "man's man" was born.

Frank's music is amazing. If you don't like his music - you clearly have no taste in music and can eat the dingleberries off my taint. I choose to focus instead on the stories surronding his life. From running a train on Marilyn Monroe with JFK, to burrying hookers in the Vegas desert with Sam Giancana, to his infamous 1,200 page FBI file. But greater than all of that is the list of broads that found themselves on the business end of Sinatra's cock:

“We’re animals,” he said, “each and every one of us, that’s what we are, and we’re damn proud of it, too . . . I’m just looking to make it with as many women as I can.”

When he got tired of putting stones to wife number one - Nancy Barbato:

“I can have every dame I want I just can’t help myself. I don’t want to hurt Nancy. I just don’t want to sleep with her no more.”
Dueces Nancy and Alora Gooding, Lana Turner, or Marilyn Maxwell, or Marlene Dietrich.

Frank didn't take shit from anyone, especially a dame.

While married to Ava Gardner, Sinatra struck a deal with the press, later dubbed "Sinatra's law", which made his private "daliances" off limits to their freedom hating asses.

Taking full advantage of the "Sinatra law" he started spitting his blue eyed game at Grace Kelly's sweet sweet ass. Unfortunately she was like most broads, misguided and thought she was a princess for no other reason than dudes that were trying to bang her led her to believe her shit didn't stink.

“Grace regarded Frank as a street kid . . . She was on a different level. She was a princess long before she married Prince Rainier.”

So when Frank showed up hammered for their first date, she opted to marry some Prince from Monaco and ultimately living out the dream of all women - being a completely useless money grubbing hole. Ultimately snubbing Frank and her eventual cincinati bowtie from the Shah of Iran caught up with her in 1982. Ha Ha - bitch.

Not to be out done by Grace Kelly, Frank set his sights on that pillow biter Anderson Cooper's whore mother - Gloria Vanderbilt. Vanderbilt's triffling ass left her crypt keeper husband (he was 73, she was 31) for Frank. Satisfied with breaking up yet another happy home Frank dropped her ass after only a few weeks.

Ciao Ciao

Still not satisfied Frank decided to steal limp dicked Humphrey Bogart's raspy voice having floosie - Lauren Bacall.

When Frank arranged a birthday party for Bacall in Las Vegas, in September 1956, her husband stayed away. He was “edgy and resentful” when she got home and she soon found out why. “He was somewhat jealous of Frank,” Bacall remembered, “. . . partly because he thought Frank was in love with me, partly because our physical life together, which has always ranked high, had less than flourished with his illness.”

Always classy, he waited until old Humphrey died of cancer - and his own divorce from Ava Gardner to become final, before popping the question to Bacall in 1957. But Frank kept it real, real real. Once the press caught wind of his impending marriage, he did what any "man's man" would do - he changed his mind. When asked if he was marrying her Frank replied:

"What for? Just so I have to come home earlier every night? Nuts!”

Enter countless hookers, call girls, dames, broads, skirts, whores, harletts, and jezebels - you get the idea. Then Juliet Prowse, who didn't like it when Frank got drunk and acted like an ass:

"when he got drunk. He tore into good friends for no reason, or would throw things on the floor if the service was not as he wanted it to be”

Ummm...where's the problem in that? Sounds like normal behavior to me. If R. Kelly and Heart would have been around in Frank's day I'm sure he would have found himself singing those at the top of his lungs too. So Frank got sick of banging her out and moved on to Norma Jeane Mortenson, better known as Marilyn Monroe to you uncultured motherfuckers. (Turn on A&E's biography once in a while you classless shit). And in a move that has inspired me in my personal life, Frank sent a car to pick her up from.....yup you guessed it New York’s Payne Whitney Psychiatric Clinic. As if Marilyn Monroe weren't hot enough as is, Frank got to dick her down at the height of her craziness - right after her marriage to Arthur Miller collapsed. God damn that bitch was crazy.......crazy fucking hot. I'd pay good money just to sniff Frank's dick after he got done smacking her with it. But as with most crazy women, she would be dead 18 months later. And Frank was never brought up on charges. (only kidding Frank didn't kill her - although it would be a better story if he did) So while that bone smuggler Elton John was busy writing candle in the wind, Frank was back on the trim prowl.

Like most men, he begab to miss his ex. Frank dreamed of Ava Gardner's sweet sweet ass and attempted to reconcile things with her. He soon realized her hotness had expired years ago (she was now 42). That new hotness belonged to 19 year old Mia Farrow. Her dumper must have looked like two volkswagen's racing under a tarp back then. Her smoking hot fire-crotch young twat would end up married to Frank soon thereafter. Many wondered if Frank would realize her haircut made her look like a redheaded lesbian mule. Whether it was the haircut or perhaps her suggesting that they adopt a young South Korean girl that they could raise and later Frank could bang he soon came to his senses. As legend has it Frank grew tired of her shit with a quickness and decided instead of fucking her on their honeymoon he'd rather go to the bone-yard with some rando hooker. Can't argue with that. After returning from the honeymoon Frank layed up with Tiffany Bolling for a while before deciding that Mia Farrow wasn't even worth the time it would take to break up with, opting instead to send his heartless fuck lawyer:

One afternoon, without prior warning, Frank’s principal attorney, Mickey Rudin, showed up on the set of Rosemary’s Baby with separation documents drawn up and ready for signature

In addition to taking all these broads to pound town, he always had time for a friend. After running a tag team on Marilyn Monroe that would have made the Hardy Boyz proud, he introduced JFK to one of his many mistresses Judith Campbell Exner. But don't go thinking the chairman of the board was getting soft is his old age, he dicked her down before recommending her. And while JFK was preoccupied, what do you think Frank was doing? You guessed it he was doing this...or rather her. Unfortunately she would not be the last first lady to fall victim to Frank's ether rag, I mean charm. Legend has it he also played a rousing game of just the tip, just for a bit with old cyclops tits -Nancy Reagan.

Years later he would marry Barbara Marx even though he told his daughters that he was still hoping to work things out with his first wife Nancy Barbato. But luckily for us Frank would stay married to Barbara until his death in 1988. Why does that make fans lucky? Because during his marriage to Barbara he performed over 1,000 concerts, which can only lead me to the conclusion that Barbara was such a nagging, annoying, whinning bitch that Frank couldn't stand to be in the same room as her and choose instead to get the fuck out of the house.

Happy Birthday Frank. Look for part II later today, and find out how you can honor the memory of Frank and perhaps become a "man's man" yourself.

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