31 December 2008

we don't need a reason, no explanations

Let me preface this by saying - there's nothing wrong with being gay. You like to smoke pole? Fine by me - sometimes I like to shove a finger in my ass while I'm wearing a prom dress, watching a porno of a parapalegic midget banging a horse, and jerking off using pace picante sauce as lubrication. What ever get's you through the day. On the other hand there is something wrong with being straight and doing gay things. With that in mind I present

2008 - top 5 queer moments :

#5 - Making out in the rain starring Celluloid Hero

As if making out by itself wasn't gay enough, when you make out with a broad in the rain it takes it to an entirely new level of faggotry. However, the fact that the broad in question was a nazi war criminal was cool enough to make this the least gay of the top 5.

#4 - Leaf Peeping starring Jefferson Steercock

Wow. This perhaps was most shocking because not only does it rank high on the gay scale, but it came from someone whom I least expected it from. Leaf Peeping? You could get caught jerking off in your own beer while listening to Hanson's greatest hits and have it be less gay than that. Also leaving a picture of said gayness as your facebook profile picture months later only adds to the faggotry.

#3 - Flat out GAAAAAYYYYYY starring anonymous

Facebook status messages should be saved for inside jokes, and things that you post while hammered. Sadly, even status messages were not safe from the onslaught of faggotry that swept the nation in 2008. Cuteness is definitely gay. And by cuteness I mean lil' cute messages you leave on your significant other's facebook page.

#2 - Phone Faggotry - manager Jen

If you absolutely must speak to your significant other on the phone in front of friends and strangers try to keep the level of queerity to an absolute minimum. Unless you're getting ready to get in a shoot out with the cops, storm a beach, or have a liver transplant; there is no reason to say "I love you" on the phone - tell them when you see them. Better yet, tell them after they do something deserving like letting you cum in their mouth, or letting you have a three way with her and her hot sister. Although I'd still opt for calling them a whore in lieu of "I love you", it's a term of endearment in my book. But I digress, somewhere along the line this year I had to overhear a woman telling her boyfriend this on the phone:

"I miss your voice"

#1 - Spoonman starring Rob Gordon

Proving that not even yours truly is immune to being gay. Usually nothing makes me feel better that having a broad cry after sex. Either because she realizes she just got done banging me, the roofies wore off, or maybe an uncle used to take some liberties back in the day. Unfortunately, in a certain situation this year when I usually would have been wiping my cock off on the drapes before rolling out the door, I found myself on the wrong end of a snuggle.

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