25 December 2009

but everyone i used to know was either dead or in prison

If you're like me, and I hope for your sake you're not, then nothing puts you in the holiday spirit quite like hookers. Whether they be; Korean, Mexican, Eastern European, freedom loving or freedom hating, post-op or even the occasional pre-op trannies (if the price is right of course) it's just not a proper holiday with out a few dirty hookers milling about. Mr. Thomas Alan Waits captures it quite perfectly. Enjoy and merry x-mas bitches:

18 December 2009

that's the fact jack

I missed an entire week of mozzer mondays, phil fridays, and not one single dick and/or fart joke. Inexcusable, escpecially given the fact that I haven't had shit else to do. However, today is the 10th anniversary of me graduating from US Army Infantry basic training, so here is a picture of your favorite blogger doing my best impression of someone with full blown aids who'd just lost like 50lbs in 16 weeks. Enjoy bitches:

08 December 2009

young, dumb, and full of....homicidal rage!!!

I think I've covered ad nauseum my love for crazy broads, however, these chicks are worth another mention. And while I've never been a big fan of the "women in prison" porno angle, if it was starring any of these lovely ladies I might change my mind. Something about the hint of psychopath in their eyes, the helplessness of being behind bars, the knowledge that at any moment they could strike again! I mean anyone can do a year or two in the clink for some trumped up white collar crime like tax evasion, or insider trading, but to kill a man with a horse tranquilizer and watch him slowly die, or slipping someone a lethal dose of Xanax, Valium, and black tar heroin? Now that takes a special kind of lady. In that spirit goingdownlikeamonkey presents:

the top 5 hot killers

#5 - Leslie MacKool currently serving life with out parole
When 22 year old Leslie Shepherd married 45 year old Michael MacKool her father was heartbroken. Upon his death 5 years later Leslie still expected a large portion of her father's $2 million estate to be left to her. When she found out she was left a mere $25k what did she do? She hid in the bushes in front of her mother's house and stabbed her to death - some 74 times nearly severing her head from her body. Found guilty of capital murder she received life in prison with out parole.

#4 Sarah Dutra eligible for parole October 2011 (call me)
Convicted of voluntary manslaughter in the poisoning of her boss - Sacramento lawyer Laurence McNabney. On September 11, 2001 21 year old Dutra and McNabney's wife Lauren Sims killed him, liquidated $250k of his assets, and road tripped it to Vegas before checking into the Bellagio with his corpse stuffed securely in the trunk of their Jaguar. Later they'd stuff him in their home's refrigerator and duct tape it closed. The FBI would find him some four months later buried in a vineyard near Linden, California. Sims eventually hung herself in prison leaving the lovely Sarah Dutra to stand trial alone.

#3 Ashley Humphrey release date 2030
In 2004, on the day following her wedding 19 year old Ashley Humphrey followed Sandee Rozzo home and shot her eight times in her garage. The reason? Her husband Timothy Humphrey was to face Rozzo in court for charges of sexual assault. Being a repeat offender he faced 10 years in prison. In 2006 Humphrey testified against her husband in exchange for a reduced sentence.

#2 Sandy Murphy released after re-trial in November 2004
Convicted of murder, conspiracy, robbery, grand larceny and burglary in connection with the killing of Las Vegas millionaire and one-time proprietor of Binion's Horseshoe Ted Binion. Where did she meet Ted Binion you ask? At Cheetah's Gentlemans Club where she was dancing at the time of course. Later when the relationship went south Ted Binion hired Rick Tabish to construct an underground vault on the floor of the Nevada desert to hide between 7 and 14 million dollars worth of silver from Sandy. Tabish and Murphy were convicted of Binion's murder in May of 2000.

#1 Amanda "Foxy" Knox release date December 2035
22 year old Seattle exchange student convicted of sexually assaulting and killing her roommate during a drug fueled orgy with her boyfriend Rafael Sollecito and friend Rudy Guede in Perugia, Italy. While waiting for questioning Foxy Knoxy reportedly entertained the Italian Polizia with cartwheels and splits before confessing to the crime. Later she would claim she was coerced into making the confession through assault by the Polizia. Whether she did it or not, she's definitely guilty of one thing - being hot. The winner of prison essay contests was sentenced to 26 years, her boyfriend of two weeks was given 25.

amanda knox, foxy knoxy
amanda knox, foxy knoxy

07 December 2009

mozzer monday - you just haven't earned it yet, baby

morrissey, concertRecently, I've been flooded with more than normal barrage of 'why are you such an asshole?' questions. And heard after the fact that 'why is your friend such an asshole?' and most hurtful of all 'why won't your incredibly handsome asshole friend go home with me?' inquiries have been raised as well.(I can only assume the last one). Why make fun of a broad's 'birthday scarf' on her birthday? Why tell the most attractive girl out of her group of friend's that she's in fact the least attractive after you attempted to steal her purse at a bar? Why constantly make roofie jokes even after you learn that she was in fact slipped a roofie(allegedly)? Why try to have sex with some disgustingly ugly chick on top of the bar in a place that smells of septic waste mixed with the stench of old man balls? Why tell a girl on her 21st birthday that she looks closer to 35? Or telling a girl that you'll pick them up in front of a bar in Clarendon in 5 minutes when you're really sitting on your living room floor in a drunken stupor eating taco bell and passing the fuck out? Tell a girl her shoes look like they were purchased at pay less after she tells you they're from Nordstrom - check. And if some broad gets lippy when you ask her if she likes prince or jacko better, but simultaneously happens to be wearing prince's shirt from purple rain - don't be afraid to tell her to shut the fuck up either. But why on earth would you tell someone that not only do you not want to talk to them at the gym, but you don't particularly feel like talking to them now either? Is it the fact that I just hate women? Possibly. Or is it because I'm a semi-functional alcoholic? There may be some truth to that too. I'll get more in depth on that later with the R-O-B G-O-R-D-O-N system, but for now I'll just let Morrissey tell you. Because like a brick of gold, a blood diamond, or a back stage pass to a Hannah Montana concert, I'm a rare commodity and you just haven't earned it yet...

04 December 2009

phil friday - keeping it real in the name of phil

Nobody tells DJ Request what to play. Let them tell you what to play, they loose respect for you. They loose respect for you, you loose control. Not today...

Sometimes you wake up at 6am on a Sunday and go watch your favorite side lose a home match to Liverpool 5-1 and to add insult to injury come out of the pub and find your car being towed down the street all because you took the parking advice of some fucking wanker. However, on the otherside of the pond, a greater injustice was taking place. Liverpool captain SG8 decided to celebrate his two goal performance, and what better way to celebrate than by having a few pints, listening to some phil, and maybe having a good cry? But DJ Request would have no part of the celebration, so Stevie G did what any good phil fan would do - beat the piss out of him. "Hey Guys, a couple of guys came in here earlier looking for Vanessa and I got a little bit of bad news for you, Vanessa is dead, here's Phil Collins"

30 November 2009

the irish world cup travesty continues

Much has been made of the controversial way in which the Irish were denied a spot in this summer's world cup final. And while I won't be shedding a tear over the fact that the traitorous scum tandem of Shay Given (33 years old) and own goal scoring cunt Damien Duff (30 years of age) lost their final opportunity to play in the world cup (that's what you get for jumping ship at newcastle you fucking tossers), what sadly will be lost are tales like this from Jason McAteer:

"and to be fair she was a fuckin' winner, an absolute winner"

mozzer monday - my life with morrissey

morrissey, mozzer, jon stewart for president
I'm not sure whether or I want to fight this broad? Or marry her? Apparently there is a full length movie that goes along with this trailer. Either way the scene where she tells Morrissey he's so wonderful and he says, 'I know' made me l-o-l. That's just mozzer being mozzer. Enjoy bitches:

27 November 2009

castles made of sand fall in the sea...eventually

jimi hendrix, guitar burn
James Marshall "Jimi" Hendrix
November 27, 1942 - September 18, 1970

"Before the show at Monterey, we were starting to talk about the running order. More for Brian Jones who was introducing us I think, and Eric Burden who was introducing him, or vice versa I can't remember anymore, and they wanted to know what was going to come first and we couldn't really decide. So we just said well you know, I said to Jimi I said 'fuck it we're not gonna follow you on'. So he said 'well I'm not gonna follow you on.' So I said listen 'we are not gonna follow you on, and that is it. As far as I'm concerned, you know, we're here ready to go on now our gear is gonna be there, that's the end of it.' And there was a certain look up in his eye and he got on a chair and he played some amazing guitar just standing on a chair in the dressing room. Janis Joplin was there. Brian Jones. Eric [Clapton] and me and just a few other people standing around and he got down off the chair and just said, turned around, to me and said, 'If I'm gonna follow you - I'm gonna pull all the stops.'" - Pete Townshend

Legend has it a coin was flipped and Jimi Hendrix took the stage after the Who and staying true to his promise of pulling all the stops lit his Fender Stratocaster ablaze upon the conclusion of Wild Thing at the 1967 Monterey Pop Fest. And who took the stage after Jimi? The god damn Mama's and the Papa's. When asked about using gimmicks in his sets like playing behind his head, playing guitar with his teeth, and setting his guitar on fire, Hendrix offered a very Rick James esque explanation:
"Gimmicks. Gimmicks, here we go again, gimmicks man, I'm tired of people saying we're.... gimmicks, what is this? The world is nothing but a big gimmick, isn't it? Wars, napalm bombs, all that, people getting burned up on tv and it's nothing but a stunt. Gimmicks? Yes we do.”
jimi hendrix

top 5 jimi hendrix songs
red house

castles made of sand

purple haze

little wing

crosstown traffic

phil friday - what these bitches want from phil collins?

OG Phil Collins featuring DMX and his mans and them. Can't stop. Won't stop.

25 November 2009

ben olsen hangs up the boots

ben olsen, mls cup, dc united1994 Pennsylvania Player of the Year
1995 Parade Magazine's National Player of the Year
1997 Soccer America Player of the Year
1997 ACC Tournament MVP
1997 NSCAA All-American
1997 Soccer America Collegiate Player of the Year
1998 MLS Rookie of the Year
1998 MLS All-Star
1999 MLS Cup MVP
2007 MLS Best XI
And of course there's this for the ladies....

ben olsen, heart of a lion, la barra brava, screaming eagles, dc united
Thanks to Ben Olsen for 12 amazing years with the black and red. 221 appearances for DC United, 2 MLS Cups, 3 Supporter Shields, 1998 Copa Interamericana Championship, 1998 CONCACAF Champions League Championship, 2008 US Open Cup. 6 goals in 37 appearances with the US Mens National Team including the 2000 Olympics, and the 2006 World Cup as well as winning the 2005 CONCACAF Gold Cup Championship. Be sure to check out the top 5 Benny momments from earlier this year.

ben olsen, usmnt, us mens national team

23 November 2009

mozzer monday - let me kiss you

"American society would consider her to be royalty. I don't see her as royalty, I mean I just see her as Nancy really. I think in the history books her father is one of the most famous people in human creation, he's more famous than most royalty." - Morrissey on Nancy Sinatra
In 1997 Morrissey left the United Kingdom and took up refuge in Los Angeles, just off Sunset Blvd. Living in a home that was built for Clark Gable's mistress Carol Lombard, who died tragically in a plane crash almost as soon as she was given the keys to the home. The home was once owned by F. Scott Fitzgerald, John Schlesinger, and currently sits right next door to Nancy Sinatra.
"One time I was in London and Morrissey came to my hotel to see me and the thing that sticks with me most about that is the hug that he gave me. Because, he's just a great hugger." - Nancy Sinatra on Morrissey
In 2004 both Morrissey and Nancy Sinatra (on Morrissey's vanity record label Attack Records) released Let Me Kiss you. Morrissey's version would reach #4 on the UK charts while Nancy's version peaked at #46.

20 November 2009

every now and then i get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by

Sad news out of DC United today. Flags at goingdownlikeamonkey's world headquarters will be flying at half mast until further notice. Tomorrow's staff meeting in conference room 12a will be postponed so that you may spend this time with your loved ones. Only Tori Amos covering 'total eclipse of the heart' can provide comfort now:

16 November 2009

mozzer monday - stop me if you think you've heard this one before

morrissey, mozzer
Much to Morrissey's dismay, 'stop me...' was never released as a single, it was set to be released a mere two months after Michael Ryan killed 17 and wounded 15 in the Hungerford massacre in August of 1987. Morrissey's claim that the beating he'd endured caused enough pain to make a buddhist plan a mass murder (And the pain was enough to make, a shy, bald, buddhist reflect, and plan a mass murder) immedediately led record execs to think that he was eulogising a spree-killer. Morrissey would later say, "I desperately, desperately wanted that to be released, Rough Trade sent white labels along to Radio 1, but they said they would never, under any circumstances play it because of the line about mass murder. They said people would've instantly linked it with Hungerford and it would've caused thousands of shoppers to go out and buy machine guns and murder their grandparents."

And , so I drank one
It became four
And when I fell on the floor ...
...I drank more

03 November 2009

get your democracy on bitches

The 2009 MLS regular season has come to an end and it's time to bring that sweet ass over here and vote for the at&t goalazo of the year. A few observations: Was this video edited by the front office of the seattle sounders? Of the 40 goals featured in the video, 8 (or 20%) are of the sounders. Aside from two or three the remainder are pretty goddamn unspectacular. Also, Arturo Alvarez, I know you were excited to score a meaningless goal to put your team up 2-0 in the final minutes of the match, but is it really necessary to take your fucking shirt off? I take that back, it takes less than that to get me to rip my shirt off. For me the choice is between Namoff's diving header against Colorado in week 18, or Esky's volley against the redbulls also in week 18.

02 November 2009

mozzer monday - november spawned a monster

so sleep and dream of love
cause it's the closest
you will get to love

People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss.

"...then there's 'November' (Spawned A Monster) which in a sense is my version of the New York Dolls' 'Frankenstein'. It's about a person who's confined to a wheelchair, who can't make much sense of her life and whose only ambition is to walk down the road in clothes she personally went out and chose and bought herself. And that is as far as her ambitions can stretch." - Morrissey, The Face, March 1990

" No, if you're a genuine artist you have a very powerful... oh God... vision of most situations, whether or not they're painful, as in my case they most often are. I don't have to know people. It's a matter of understanding many extreme situations in life. And if you see someone in what we oddly refer to as an unfortunate situation, someone who's wheelchair bound, if you're very perceptive and sensitive you can fully imagine the lifelong frustrations of constantly being discussed by other people, and constantly having people being irritatingly kind to you. " - Morrissey, Vox, November 1990

Featured on Beavis and Butthead, the music video is perhaps one of the most homo-erotic ever produced which, for Morrissey, is saying a lot.

30 October 2009

phil friday - can't stop. won't stop

Until seeing this I was under the impression that the only british rappers worth mentioning were, in no particular order, Young MC, Iceberg Slimm, Scotland Yard Emcees, and Asher D. I keep my ear to the ground so I know what's hot in the streets, but clearly, one more name needs to be added. Is there anything Phil can't do? Enjoy bitches:

26 October 2009

mozzer monday - i'm throwing my arms around paris

morrissey, mozzerAh Paris. La Ville-Lumière! Sometimes you think you're going on a nice vacation to Paris - next thing you know the harlot you went with is breaking up with you because you didn't propose to her at the top of the Eiffel Tower on New Years Eve, when all you really wanted to do in the first place was check out the view and maybe try to talk her into giving you a handjob on the elevator ride down. Maybe she even loses her shit on you because even though she told you she speaks French, which she clearly doesn't, it's somehow your fault that you got lost because you can't read the directions the concierge wrote down for you. Perhaps, she even makes a cab driver stop in the middle of the Champs-Élysées so she can get out and throw a fit because you'd rather go take a tour of the Stade de France or see where Jim Morrison is buried than go to another god damn museum. Or maybe you went to Paris and had fun..whatever.

20 October 2009

i've come to wish you an unhappy birthday

"I know what you're thinking...you're thinking those are the biggest boobies you've ever seen. I'm not your average woman...I like sex and I'm not afraid to admit[cough, hack, cough]. Excuse me I just had pudding an hour ago. You ever parked your bicylce in an airplane hanger? You ever thrown a toothpick into a volcano? Ohh...I'm sweating. You're making me all hot! OHHHHHH CAKES & PIES!!!! "
365 days, countless references to transvestite hookers, broads with low self esteem, getting hammered, my overall hatred of females, phil, morrissey, and of course space bitches...space!. Oh, and two posts each from this guy, and this guy...thanks for the help wankers. Happy first birthday to going down like a monkey.

19 October 2009

mozzer monday - the queen is dead

"When you consider what minimal contribution they make in helping people. They never under any circumstances make a useful statement about the world or people's lives. The whole thing seems like a joke, a hideous joke. We don't believe in leprachauns so why should we believe in the Queen? And when one looks at all the individuals within the Royal Family they're so magnificently, unaccountably and unpardonably boring! I mean Diana herself has never in her lifetime uttered one statement that has been of any use to any member of the human race. If we have to put up with these ugly individuals why can't they at least do something off the mark!" - 1986 interview with NME
Morrissey goes on to call Prince Charles a closeted transvestite ("I said Charles, don't you ever crave, to appear on the front of the Daily Mail, dressed in your Mother's bridal veil?"); recreating the famous Buckingham Palace invasion by Michael Fagan (So, I broke into the palace, with a sponge and a rusty spanner"); before discusing the adverse effect the rain has on his hair (We can go for a walk where it's quiet and dry, and talk about precious things, but the rain that flattens my hair, oh, these are the things that kill me).

18 October 2009

our little baby's all groweds up

swingers, movie poster, john favreau, vince vaughnSwingers
released October 18, 1996

If you haven't seen Swingers, well....what the fuck are you waiting for? Definitely in my top 5 of all time, in a dead heat with High Fidelity for the number one spot. In honor of the thirteenth anniversary of the release of one of the greatest films of our generation, going down like a monkey presents:
the dating advice of Trent Walker (a top 5)

swingers, vince caughn, john favreau #5 - "Now I want you to go over to that girl and I want you to get those digits. Come here a second, listen. Now look it, when you go up to talk to her man, I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie, everyone's REALLY hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know? The guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from, okay? You're a bad man, you're a bad man."

swingers, vince caughn, john favreau, patrick van horn, ron livingston #4 - "You know what? Ha Ha Ha Mike, laugh all you want, but if you call too soon you might scare off a nice baby who's ready to party. [Favs: Well, how long you gonna wait to call your babies?] Six Days."

swingers, vince caughn, john favreau, patrick van horn #3 - "Baby don't talk that way. [Patrick Van Horn: You're so money and you don't even know it] That's what I've keep trying to tell him. [Favs: Could you not mess with me right now] Baby we're not messing with you. You know what you are? You're like a big bear with claws and fangs. And fucking teeth on you. And she's just like this little bunny who's just kinda cowering in the corner. Yeah man, just kinda..you know you got these claws and you're staring at these claws man and you're thinking to yourself, with these claws you're thinking, 'how am I supposed to kill this bunny? How am I supposed to kill this bunny?" [PVH: And you're poking it] Yeah, you're not hurting it, you're just kinda gently batting the bunny around, you know what I mean? And the bunny is scared Mike, the bunny is scared of you. Shivering. You got these claws and these fangs man, and you're looking at your claws and you're looking at your fangs and you're thinking to yourself, 'I don't know what to do man, I don't know how to kill the bunny' with this you don't know how to kill the bunny. Do you know what I mean? [Favs: So you're not just like fucking with me?] No I'm not fucking with you. Mike, I'm telling you you're money.

swingers, vince caughn, john favreau #2 - "Look you take yourself out of the game, you start talking to them about puppy dogs and ice cream of course it's gonna end up on the friendship tip....Baby, you are so money and you don't even know it...Listen to me Mike, your self esteem is low right now because she's with somebody else. But talking about it and thinking about it all the time, it's depressing, it's no good man."

swingers, vince caughn, john favreau, casino #1 - "Oh, Mike do you even think I know what the hell they're saying to me half the time? I don't know if they're talking about how hard it is to be adopted, or how their dad can't show them affection. All I do man is stare at their mouthes and wrinkle my eyebrows and somehow I turn out to be a big sweetie. Okay? Now take this girl here right? She's a waitress in Las Vegas ok? But I bet somewhere inside of her there's a very very special dream and no matter how hard I try I won't..."