31 January 2009

but I cannot turn back the years

So Phil's Birthday came and went and, although I didn't forget to write about it....I was fucking busy....I should have made time for Phil. So happy birthday Phil. Unfortunately the best I could come up with was:

top 5 Phil tributes & covers


(the first person to point out that Mariah Carey covered Against all Odds is going to get gorilla masked)
enjoy bitches

#5 - Reel Big Fish - Another day in Paradise
This is far and away my least favorite Phil song of all time. And by least favorite I mean I fucking hate it. However, this cover has a sort of Marty and Elayne feel to it and is all and all not too bad.





#4 - Nonpoint - In the Air tonight
from Miami Vice





#3- Postal Service - Against all Odds
from Wicker Park





#2 - Disturbed - Land of Confusion




#1 - Grand Theft Auto - In the Air Tonight

What better way to pay tribute to Phil then by including him as the central theme to a video game?


27 January 2009

so take, take me home

Eight score and twelve years ago, one of the most important dates in our nation's history. January 26, 1837 the greatest of all 50 states decided to joing this union of ours. Happy 172nd birthday Michigan.


top 5 recording artists from Michigan

#5 - Grand Funk Railroad - Flint



#4 - Iggy Pop - Muskegon



#3 - the White Stripes - Detroit



#2 - Suicide Machines - Detroit



#1 - Bob Seger - Dearborn



Honorable Mention:

Michigan Marching Band - Ann Arbor


space bitches.....space

26 January 2009

I know what I like, and I like what I know

There are few things that I can claim to be an expert on, High Fidelity is one of them. Conservatively, I've watched High Fidelity at least two hundred times. And probably 30 times this month alone. Aside from the fact that I'm slowly becoming Rob Gordon, the thing that I enjoy most about High Fidelity is the fact that I notice somthing new each time I watch it. The soundtrack kicks complete ass, however there are at least another hundred or so songs from the movie that aren't on the soundtrack. With that in mind:

top 5 songs fron High Fidelity (not included on the soundtrack

#5 - Baby Got Going - Liz Phair



"Some people never got over 'Nam or the night their band opened for Nirvana, I guess I never got over Charlie Nicholson"
This is playing as Rob recounts #3 on the top 5 all time break-up list

#4 - Jesus Wants me for a Sunbeam - the Vaselines




"Why'd you have to tell her about the store?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know it was classified information. I mean, I know we don't have any customers, but I thought that was a bad thing, not like, a 'business strategy'"
Playing after Rob, Barry, and Dick buy copies of Marie de Salle's LP following her set at Lounge Acts

#3 - I Can't Stand the Rain - Ann Peebles



"Sorry I didn't know it was pick on the middle aged square guy day"
Playing in the back ground after Barry berates a customer for trying to buy "I just called to say I love you" for his daughter....wait - Is she in a coma?

#2 - My Little Red Book - Love



Only true fans of the film will recall this song's place. It plays over the closing credits after Stevie Wonder's "I Believe (When I Fall In Love It Will Be Forever)" and it is quickly becoming one of my favorites.

#1 - Let's Get it On - Marvin Gaye
This is #1 on my all time desert Island top 5 songs.



Rob, thank you for that kind introduction. We're no longer called Sonic Death Monkey. We're on the verge of becoming Kathleen Turner Overdrive, but just for tonight, we are Barry Jive and his Uptown Five.

This song is actually on the soundtrack but it's a cover by Jack Black. The original is refrenced by Rob quite a few times through out the movie, most importantly when he claims that the record is responsible for Laura and his relationship.

24 January 2009

I got better things to do with my time

Really bitches? REALLY? What the fuck is this country coming to? I was just about to post the top 5 songs I'm down with this week.....and then I come across this bullshit:
Rep. Edolphus Towns, D-N.Y., the incoming chairman of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, said he will hold hearings and possibly subpoena NCAA officials, college presidents, players, coaches and athletics directors in an effort to force a playoff in Division 1-A football, USA Today reports.
he goes on to add:

"I really feel that you can't leave it as is," Towns said. "Right now, if you ask what the No. 1 team is, a lot of people would say USC. Others would say Texas and if you ask anybody in the state of Utah, they would say their team was best. I want to get a system that has credibility."
Apparently our government has fixed every other god damn problem facing the country and can move on to other things. Jesus fucking Christ, don't worry about the economy, or healthcare, or the war in Afghanistan, Iraq, the gaza strip - please by all means hold hearings on motherfucking college football. When did our government become so fucking mighty and all knowing that they can stop focusing on their own fuck-ups and start telling the NCAA how to fix their problems? You have got to be fucking kidding me. I'm not even going to argue why I think there should not be a play-off system in college football, I'll save that for another time.

Is it not the job of our elected representatives to push for policies that will better the lives of their constituents? So Representative Edolphus Towns represents New York's 10th Congressional District. This guy must represent a district with an NCAA powerhouse football team right? He must be the representative from Syracuse, or even Buffalo right? Surely the people who voted for him would be in favor of a playoff system. What? He represents where? Brooklyn? WHAT THE FUCK? I get it now. It makes perfect sense. The #1 problem facing the fine people of Brooklyn isn't rampant crime, or threat of terrorist attacks; it's whether or not Florida should have played Utah in the BCS Championship. Get Fucked.

When did it become okay for our elected officials to stop trying to better the lives of the people who elected them and instead focus on their own meaningless personal agendas? With that in mind I present:

the top 5 Congressional Inquiries I'll hold when elected to office

the distinguished Gentleman Rep. Rob Gordon, esquire (R-MI) calls to the stand:

#5 - Every size 15 who tries to squeeze into a size 8
Really fat bitches? Really? I want an oversight comitee meeting right this god damn second on what the fuck is going through your fat fucking mind, that makes you think it's okay to wear clothing that makes under armour look like a fucking poncho. No more government cheese for your fat fucking ass until we hear a convincing excuse.

#4 - NBC
The last episode of Seinfeld sucked complete ass. We are revoking your FCC licence until you air an acceptable conclusion to one of the greatest sitcoms ever.

#3 - Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences
In 1994 a film about a bumbling retard won not one, not two, but six god damn awards including best film? Meanwhile one of the greatest films of our generation Pulp Fiction won only one for best original screenplay? Explain yourself, and be quick about it - there is a F-22 with a strategic nuclear weapon headed towards your offices if the committee is not satisfied with your explanation.

#2 - Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
You tastless motherfuckers found a spot to display Bonnie Raitt's freedom hating no talent hack sitar, or whatever the fuck it is she plays, but no Phil? And your sorry ass Louvre knock-off mueseum is in Ohio? I think the sex pistols put it best when they called your hall a piss stain. You owe the nation and the world clarification.

#1 - Touchstone Pictures
It's an absolute abomination that the DVD for High Fidelity does not contain a director's cut, or a commentary track. You will feel the might of our entire military until this wrong is righted.

there must be some kind of mistake

Fewer things amuse me more than random text messaging. And the following exchange includes more than a few things that entertain me: text message short hand, excerpts from 'debra', strippers, phil collins, rob gordon, and most importantly broads with low self esteem. Enjoy bitches:




13 January 2009

if leaving me is easy

The worst part about the end of any relationship is dividing up your shit. Even if you weren't living together or married, odds are you have some of your shit at their house.And while you may be able to part with out your toothbrush and the half liter of Yukon Jack you never got around to finishing, there are somethings you just can't let go. "I'll be god damned if that bitch leaves AND takes my Prince box set with her" So I can definitely understand why this dude is pissed off:



Just so I'm clear on this, this guy is a surgeon? Seems like there are easier ways for him to get his Kidney back than by going to court.

12 January 2009

carry that weight that you can't see



50 years ago today, the prodigal son of Detroit, Berry Gordy founded Motown Records. Gordy dropped out of high school in the eleventh grade to pursue a career as a professional boxer as well as serve in the Army in Korea. Gordy started Tamla records which would become Motown from an $800 loan from his family. Interestingly enough Gordy originally had wanted to call it Tammy Records, after the Debbie Reynolds ballad, but the name had already been taken. Over the past 50 years Motown artists have garnered 110 #1 hits, and Berry Gordy was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1990. In honor of the 50th anniversary of Motown:

top 5 Motown Songs

#5 - Papa was a Rolling Stone - the Temptations 1972

As much as I love "Ain't to proud to beg" this is my favorite Temptations song:



#4 - Superstition - Stevie Wonder 1973

top five musical crimes perpetuated by Stevie Wonder in the '80s and '90s. Go. Sub-question: is it in fact unfair to criticize a formerly great artist for his latter day sins, is it better to burn out or fade away?



#3 - War - Edwin Starr 1970

It's a toss up for me between Edwin Starr's version and Jackie Chan's:



#2 - These Eyes - Junior Walker & the Allstars- 1969

I don't know how this wasn't a #1 hit, this song is the truth:



#1 - Let's Get It On - Marvin Gaye

This could have just as easily turned into the top 5 greatest Marvin Gaye songs. This is by far my #1 song of all time on any list. No other song gets me to scream "Oh my damn - that's my jam" quicker than this:

11 January 2009

she's an easy lover

Really Bitches? I get that this broad works in the "adult industry". And by works in the adult industry I mean she is a shameless whore who lets dudes take her to the boneyard for an insanely small amount of money. I have more respect for prostitutes than I have for broads in porn. (except Brandi Belle, I'd drink her bath water) At least if a hooker spots something she thinks is a genital wart she makes the dude put a condom over his balls, believe me - I know. This whore just told him not to go too deep? Really Bitch? She let some dude who's balls look like a cross between Frank Beamer and Norv Turner's faces dick her down for what I can only imagine was about $200. She is by no means a porn-star. Take it from someone who watches a lot of porn...and by a lot of porn I mean I'm writing this post in between cranking one out...she is not a porn star. Just your run of the mill meth addicted whore who got on a bus in Ohio and off in LA thinking she'd be the next noxema ad girl who instead of noxema is spending her time with a face covered in cum.

(Is this safe for work? Depends on where you work)

09 January 2009

now maybe I'm right, or maybe I'm wrong

An additional Elvis tribute will have to wait until the anniversary of this death.Trying to come up with a list of round eyes that love sleepyheads, and chatting distracted me from putting it up last evening. Instead:

top 5 Songs I'm down with this week

#5 - Los Campesinos - You! Me! Dancing!

I first heard this track while I was enjoying a night filled with Red Bull and Hate and have been a fan ever since



#4 - Brand New Start - Little Joy

This one has a very rock-a-billy sound, like it could have been recorded by Buddy Holly, or Elvis. And the lyrics have been fucking with my head a bit - so fuck off



#3 - List of Demands (Reparations Song) - Saul Williams

Not sure why I can't stop listening to this song....oh wait, I know why - it's baaaaaddddd assssss.Call the police! I'm strapped to the teeth and liable to disregard your every belief. Although it doesn't appear on this album-"The Inevitable Rise and Liberation of NiggyTardust" makes me L-O-L



#2 - That's All - Genesis

Do you like Phil Collins? I celebrate the entire Phil and Genesis catalog with only one exception (another day in paradise can eat a dick) it's strange how hearing a cover band play a song can make you remember how great it is on the way to a night of getting black out drunk



#1 - One Night - Elvis Aaron Presley

According to Elvis's entourage prior to the '68 comeback special when they would leave performances they would hide Elvis under blankets in the back of the car. They told Elvis that they didn't want to cause a mob scene when his fans saw him driving off; the truth of the matter was they didn't want Elvis to see that there were no fans left. This was one of the last few songs in the '68 comeback special, and one of my favorites.

08 January 2009

I can show you, I can show you, some of the people in my life



Today marks the birth of the King of Rock-n-Roll.One of the few people whom I never met but managed to have a huge impact on my life, if you ever find yourself in possesion of a credit card with the name Rob Gordon on it, the pin code just might be Elvis's birthday.A more fitting tribute to Elvis will get posted later today, until then my favorite Elvis story will have to do. This is a story that used to be told on the Don & Mike show every Christmas, I present:

The Story of Hamburger James

One afternoon my mom pulls up in a beautiful Continental with a guy who's a perfect stranger to me. I come out of the boarding school, and my mom's sitting in the front seat with the guy whom she introduces as our new daddy, Vernon, and the three of us are ushered into the backseat. Well, we leave from the school and drive to the mansion, to Graceland. All of a sudden here's this big, beautiful house. The very first thing that I notice is all these bodyguards-these guys walking around with big guns under their arms.
Inside, I walked down a mirrored hallway, down these steps, and I found it amazing that these big gold records were everywhere. Elvis was standing over by the record player, listening to records. He walks across the room, and I know the first time I meet this guy, he's different. He really rattled me by picking me up and saying, "These are my little brothers. That's just the way I'm going to treat them." Here's this guy, bigger than life, 19 years older than me, and he takes us into his family.
The next morning I went outside and there he was. But there were cats, dogs, ponies, scooters, bicycles, tricycles, swing sets. Three of everything. He had his employees go to the store and buy all these toys and bring them back. And he broke a habit of sleeping all day to watch my face light up when I saw everything.
I felt very much at home when I was at Graceland. We lived with Vernon in a house next door, and when Elvis was home I would go over and see him. Elvis loved to throw the football. I'd go out on pass patterns, and we'd do that for hours and hours in the backyard. One evening he decided he wanted to mend fences. We went out with a hammer and nails, and he put about 10 nails in one board, just like a kid.
When I was 17, I was getting into drugs, and Elvis figured he could help straighten me up. He wanted me to go to work with him as his personal aide, but he knew I would have a difficult time convincing my mother to let me go on the road. So he told her that I would have a private tutor, I would be in church every morning, all these different things.
My first trip was Washington, D.C. We were sitting on the plane, he's on the aisle, and I'm right beside him. Elvis just looked at me and goes, "I'm the teacher," with that big grin on his face. "I'm going to teach you everything you need to know, and by the way, what you see and hear on the road, you don't say nothing about at home, okay?"
We got to the hotel, and we were there five minutes, and all these girls were there. All these guys have got these girls waiting! None of the wives were ever allowed to go on the road with us, and that was one of the reasons why. Elvis looks at me and says, "There are two girls that I've dated that are going to be here, Joyce and Janice." He's a married man, and he's got not only one girl, he's got two girls!
That was the night that Elvis initiated me into what was called the Memphis Mafia by calling me at 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning and asking me to find a cheeseburger in downtown Washington. It was December of '70, freezing weather. When he said he wanted cheeseburgers, I said, "Where do I get them?" and he said, "That's your responsibility. Find out." I called the bellman; the bellman didn't know. So I literally get out in the streets of D.C. and find a place. And I put the cheeseburgers inside my coat and run all the way back to the hotel, get upstairs, go in the room and one of the girls was in there. I pulled the hamburgers out, handed them to Elvis, and he said, "I don't want them. I was just checking you out, to see if you could do it."
Eventually I took care of him when we were traveling. I did everything. I made sure all the meals were taken care of. I took care of his wardrobe and jewelry, taped up the windows so the sun couldn't get in, set up the room and carried the kit that contained all his medication. When he would come offstage, it was my responsibility to get a towel around his neck, a glass of water in his hand, a coat on his back. Then to get him in a car and make sure those vents weren't blowing on him. Usually in the car it was mostly just him and me in the backseat, with someone driving us.
Girls were always available. Always. It was just a matter of picking which ones he wanted. And he wanted one every night. He had to have somebody in bed with him. I don't think sex was even involved lots of the time. He hated to be alone. If there wasn't a girl there, I'd sometimes sleep at the foot of the bed.
When Elvis wanted a girl, someone would go find him one. We called it trolling. Elvis would look around and say, "It's time to go trolling," and we knew what that meant. Somebody had to go downstairs and select four or five girls for him to look over. I introduced him to a lot of girls, and members of the entourage introduced him to some. It was usually me, because I knew his taste -- tall, clean girls.
In one of the Vegas hotels they'd gather together in a lounge area and sit around on sofas and wait. When Elvis wanted somebody to go trolling, I'd go down and look them over and pick out four or five. I just told them that Elvis wanted to meet them and asked if they'd like to come up to his suite. It was all pretty cool, but everybody knew what was up.
There was a whole routine. While I was gone, Elvis would get out stuff to talk to them about. He carried books on astrology and numerology and that kind of thing with him so he could make conversation with the girls. Anyway, I'd take them up, and there he'd be. All smiles and very gracious. Elvis would make women feel wonderful. They'd sit around in the suite for a while, and Elvis would look them over while he talked to them. Then he'd let me know which one he wanted to stay. When the visit wore down, I'd escort the others to the door, and the one that was chosen would stay behind.
Then I'd instruct her, tell her what Elvis liked and didn't like. I'd tell her that if things worked out in a way she decided she wanted to stay the night -- and I knew they'd already decided, or they wouldn't be there -- that there might be some things she would want to know. I told them Elvis always liked to eat in bed, so I'd set a sort of table on the bed. I'd tell them Elvis always ate and slept in pajamas and that I'd left some of his pajama tops in the bathroom, just for them. And I'd tell them Elvis insisted everybody around him be very clean, so they might want to take a shower before they put on the pajamas.
I told them they could order anything they wanted to eat, but Elvis hated the smell of fish, so get whatever they wanted, but stay away from fish. I told them they should brush their teeth after they ate, that Elvis always did that, and that I put a new toothbrush in the bathroom for them. I'd always take a big batch of toothbrushes on the road with us, a big, double handful. I told them Elvis loved to have his back and shoulders rubbed. That was about it. I'd serve them, then I'd leave.
Priscilla would fly into Vegas on weekends. They would stay in the four- bedroom presidential suite on the 30th floor of their hotel. I'd have to take Priscilla's dresses out of the suite when she was away and write down where each dress was hung and its color because she wanted them kept in a certain order. I'd move them back when she was about to come in. Priscilla knew what was going on, but she couldn't prove it, and so she had to ignore it. But if she came back the next week and those dresses were messed up, ooh, wow! It was bad!
"The kit" went everywhere with Elvis, and I was the guy designated to take care of it. If he went out for a drive, that meant I brought the kit. It had all kinds of uppers-Dexedrine, Black Beauties. Then you've got the Class -- A Percodan, Demerol, codeine. There were barbiturates -- Tuinal, Seconal, Nembutal, Carbital. Toward the end there was liquid Demerol. Needles. Plus he had money inside the kit -- 10 grand in a wallet-makeup, a driver's license and a lot of jewelry.
Elvis started taking prescribed drugs from his mother while he was a young man. Antidepressants and uppers. She was depressed, always overweight and taking diet pills, and he just got them from her pill cabinet. Later, he'd justify it by saying, "I need it." See, for every bit of drugs or whatever he took, there was always a reason. "I need this because I sprained my back," or "I need this because I've got to rest tonight." His daddy confronted him about it. He'd always just say, "I know what I'm doing. Use and abuse are two different things."
A lot of big-money performers think it's sort of fun to have a lot of servants hanging around all the time. There was a guy that ended up working for Elvis, helping me, but he didn't have much of a job. Mainly, he went for stuff like hamburgers. We all called him Hamburger James.
Well, I'm in Elvis's suite one day, and he yells out to me from his bathroom that somebody had been in his kit. He said some things were missing, some money and some pictures. Well, we all ran all over the place, and the only person we couldn't find was Hamburger James.
Elvis was more than mad. He was in a wild rage. And it spread to everybody. See, Elvis also had some pictures in the kit. I didn't look at them. I think they were pictures of Priscilla. Hamburger James took some of them too. So Elvis was hot. Man, was he hot. And everybody's running around looking for Hamburger James. And somebody says, "I'll bet he's at the airport."
We were in Las Vegas at the time. Elvis screams, "Get the car," and we race out of the hotel and pile into a couple of cars. There were six or seven of us, and we're driving like crazy because somebody found out that a plane is supposed to leave for Memphis in a few minutes.
We come screeching up to the airport, and everybody piles out. Several people were wearing guns in shoulder holsters, and they hadn't put their coats on. Elvis is right there with us. Everybody is running to all the different . counters and jumping up and down to look over the heads of the crowd, trying to find Hamburger James. Everybody in the place is freaking out. Women are grabbing their kids and hugging them while all these guys with guns run all over the place. Remember, this was Las Vegas in 1974. Stars like Elvis are protected in places like Las Vegas. Anyway, it all happened pretty fast.
Finally somebody runs up and says he found out the plane for Memphis is leaving the gate, so we all run like mad to get up there. The guys are all pounding on the glass, and Elvis runs up to the girl at the gate desk and starts yelling, "Stop that plane! Stop that plane!" She ignores him for a second or two, and then she starts to get a little hysterical and screams, "I can't, I can't!" Then Elvis pulls out a police badge, one of the bunch that he had been given over the years, and flashes it at her and yells, "I'm a federal officer. I said stop that plane!" Then she sees it's Elvis, and she goes all buttery and starts kind of whimpering something like, "Oh, oh, oh, it's youuuuu. It's youuuu. Can I have your autograph? Ohhhh, Elvis." And he's yelling, "Stop that plane! I'm a federal officer, I tell you, and I want that plane stopped right now!" And she's looking at him sort of funny, and he's looking at her both mad and confused and kind of flattered all at once.
I never did understand why, but the plane stopped and pulled back up to the gate. They opened the door, and Elvis's bodyguards ran down the aisles and there, in the back, was old Hamburger James, all huddled down and hiding. They dragged him right up the aisle, off the plane and out of the airport. He was wailing and crying and trying to get away. Some of the guys are punching him once in a while to try to get him to be quiet. I'm sure he thought they were going to take him out in the desert somewhere and dig him a grave.
We race back to the hotel, and Elvis's people drag Hamburger James into the elevator, up to Elvis's suite and throw him down on the couch. Elvis walks up, and the crowd of people kind of parts. Hamburger James is sobbing like crazy and scared to death. Elvis walks up in front of him. And then leans down and picks up a big, heavy coffee table. He doesn't say anything. He's dead quiet. I'm thinking, oh, he's going to murder him! He's going to smash him in the head with that table. How are we ever going to talk our way out of this?
But Elvis puts the table down to one side. Then he walks up to Hamburger James, and he looks at him real cold and quiet. Then Elvis reaches over while Hamburger James is looking straight at him, scared to death, and slaps him twice. Like in the movies. A slap, and then a backhand. Pow! Then pow! again.
Then the most amazing thing happened. Hamburger James got a funny look on his face and wilted like a baby. He cried and cried. Like his heart was broken. He said he was sorry he stole, and he would give it all back, and he knew that he had done something that he couldn't ever be forgiven for.
Elvis looked at him for a minute. And then he broke down and started crying too. He just sobbed and sobbed. He went down on his knees in front of Hamburger James and said he was sorry. He kept saying to him, "Why didn't you let me know if you needed money? Why didn't you let me know if you wanted to go back to Memphis? I would have given you money. You didn't have to steal from me." They cried and cried like that for a long time, and Elvis kept telling Hamburger James that he didn't have to leave, that he could keep his job and everything. But Hamburger James wanted to go, so Elvis gave him a few weeks' salary and somebody took him back to the airport. Elvis wanted to be a tough guy, but he couldn't, really. He always seemed to care. He seemed to care about people, and his acts of generosity toward complete strangers were something else. I can remember children in wheelchairs coming backstage before a concert and Elvis being so visibly moved and shaken. We would really wonder if he was going to be able to sing.
What people don't understand is that Elvis was suffering a lot toward the end. Some of the people closest to him had, he felt, let him down and hurt him terribly. He had the trouble between Priscilla and him, the trouble with other girlfriends, a book was written by some of his bodyguards, and some things were said about his drug use and other problems. That hurt him. And drugs. Drugs were everywhere. In the latter part of his life they started taking complete control.
He couldn't think or act straight anymore.
When he'd fall out of bed in the morning, there was a handful of uppers and he'd chase it down with coffee. I'd have to order three breakfasts because he'd get so out of it on those uppers, he'd be rattling and talking, and the food would get cold. About halfway into the meal I'd have to have another one sitting over there ready. He'd get wired like that, and they'd give him Valium or something like that later in the day to take the edge off. Then just before he went onstage, the doctors would give him uppers. Then when he came off the stage, they'd give him something to calm him down, and then they'd give him something else to go to sleep.
Sometimes Elvis would get so out of it that during a meal he would be sitting there and he'd be nodding off, and you'd always have to watch him because he'd get a piece of hamburger meat hung in his throat. On more than one occasion, I had to go in while he was choking in bed and reach down his throat and pull stuff out. Pound on his chest. And it was sad, you know. I mean, this guy's 19 years older than me, and I'm holding him up, and I'd put my arms around him. "You okay, boss? You sure? Drink some water." He was just like a little bitty kid.
His health was practically ruined by his life-style. Elvis had real bad eating habits. Everybody was always trying to get him to lose weight, but they had to be careful about making suggestions, or he'd get mad. So they'd do it sort of indirectly, like making sure he'd be within earshot when they'd say something to somebody else, like, "I had a friend who lost a lot of weight eating yogurt." So maybe later Elvis would start eating yogurt. He'd get those little containers of yogurt with fruit, but it didn't work because he'd eat maybe 20 of them at a time, and he kept on doing whatever else he was doing too. The same thing happened with peaches. He got on a peach craze, and he'd eat peaches all day and all night. I'd find the pits everywhere. Sometimes he'd just throw them on the floor.
He got to be about 250 lbs. It had gotten to where we would have to take giant spools of Saran Wrap, giant ones, and wrap him to hold his stomach in. Which made it almost impossible for him to breathe. In the latter part of his life, he was not really hitting many notes.
He was just mouthing them, going through the motions.
On his last night alive I had just gotten off the phone with my girlfriend, Robyn. Throughout the years she would encourage me to give up drugs, and she said that, when she hung up the phone, she was going to pray that something would happen to turn my life around. Then I went upstairs and sat down on the bed with Elvis. He pulled the reading glasses down over his nose -- he wore the kind that look like they are cut in half -- and he flipped the side of his glasses in his mouth. He really looked kind of cool to me 'cause his sideburns hadn't been dyed yet, and he had gray in them. He was pretty mellowed out. He did seem to be very, very tired, not physically but emotionally spent.
As we sat and talked for a while, he handed me a piece of paper, the outline of the book written by his ex-bodyguards. It talked about his drug use. He asked me two questions. He said, "What's Lisa Marie going to think about this?" and I didn't have much of an answer. I just said, "Well, she's your daughter. I'm sure she'll love you." And then he asked me about the fans. "What're the fans going to think about this?" and without even thinking, I was able to say, "Well, they love you no matter what."
We talked for a little while, and I told him about the conversation with Robyn. How I was going to get off drugs, you know, get my life straightened up, that type of thing. I could tell he wanted his medication, his sleeping pills, pretty soon.
I use the word medication because if you say the word drugs, people think crack and heroin, which he never used. I'd brought up a package of medication, pills that were just to the right of the steps (to the bedroom) in a cabinet. There were packages in there that Elvis called the attack packs because that's what he wanted them to do, "attack" him, knock him out.
We're sitting there and talking, and I'm telling him about Robyn and the advice she'd been giving me over the years. Elvis had met her and he liked her, thought she was a nice kid. "I really think she's giving you good advice, Rick," he told me. "I think she's somebody that really cares."
He talked for a while longer. A tour was starting the next day, and he was not excited about it at all. When I was leaving, Elvis told me, "I don't want to be bothered, I don't want to be disturbed." To anybody that worked with Elvis, you knew that meant one of two things. He may be wanting to spend time with his girlfriend, Ginger. Or he wanted to sleep. But he let me know he didn't want to be disturbed, and with Elvis, that was a firm command.
Many times I have seen Elvis get so out of it that he'd go in the bathroom and be sitting on the head, and he'd fall forward. I have had to go pick him up when that would happen. Many times. And that's my theory on the death of Elvis. See, that shag carpet's thick. Big, thick stuff. That night when he fell forward, being so overweight and out of it, he couldn't lift himself. And he smothered in the rug.
If I'd gone back up there, I may have found him. But I was abusing drugs too . . . I think it'd be safe to say I had enough Demerol going through me right then to sedate Whitehaven (a Memphis suburb). So instead, I went back to my own room and shot up.
I just pretty much went numb from then on out. As for my stepfather, when Elvis died, that was pretty much the end of our relationship. I was quickly asked to leave the mansion-"We don't need you anymore," is what Vernon said. He said he'd give me two weeks' notice.
I had been making about $300 a week but hadn't saved anything. I tried to get a job, worked briefly as a waiter, but nobody seemed to relish looking at my resume. When Elvis died, it was over for me. I had a little car that he had given me, and I went over to a couple of my buddies' house, slept on their floor and thought of ways of ending it.
With the encouragement of Robyn Moye, his long-suffering girlfriend -- and now his wife -- Stanley emerged from his depression in October 1977, after a visit to an interdenominational church in Fort Walton Beach, Fla. "Everything in my life changed," he says. "It was like a tremendous weight was lifted off me." Now a Baptist minister, he spends much of his time talking to youth groups about the dangers of drugs and dreams of one day establishing a youth drug-treatment center in Elvis's name. "Someone once said that the three words that had been heard all over the civilized world were Jesus, Elvis and Coca-Cola," he says. "When you stop and think about using that fame for something good, well, then there's a good ending. I think he would have liked that."

you have no right to ask me how i feel



What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss.

Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?

A weeks ago I thought if a blog post by me led off with a picture of a noose I'd be telling the world about my love for auto-erotic asphyxiation. So it's day seven of the psuedo-mid life crisis, and although I think me calling it a mid-life crisis is a bit tounge-in-cheek, I have been listening to a lot of "sad bastard music" lately. Regardless, I think this will be the last depressing post for a while, since tomorrow is the most important day of the year. Tomorrow's post will be dedicated to someone celebrating a birthday who had an incredible impact on my life - and it is one of my favorite days of the year. But for today I present:

the top 5 most depressing songs


#5 - Last Goodbye - Jeff Buckley

Probably the most upbeat of all these songs and which almost disqualified it, but the lyrics were good enough to land it at number 5


#4 - Lost Cause - Beck

There aren't too many depressing Beck songs - all it takes is one:


#3 - Purple Rain - Prince

Although I don't think making Prince cry would require that great an effort, he does have tears rolling down his face at the end of the movie Purple Rain when he sings this.


#2 - Most of the Time - Bob Dylan

Bob keeps shit real real with this one.


#1 - Another Lonely Day - Ben Harper

This actually takes the top spot because it's a song that depressed some one else other than me. Then I listened too it and it depressed me because it depressed them. I'm not a big Ben Harper fan, but if he keeps penning depressing shit like this I may just become a fan after all.


Artists that were disqualified

On the basis that all of their songs are depressing: the cure, neil young, joy division, elliott smith, the smiths, alice in chains among others

Phil and therefore Genesis were both ommitted due to the fact that their songs are more pain filled than depressing

06 January 2009

I'd call you up to say I'm sorry, but I wouldn't want to waste your time

So my psuedo mid-life crisis has entered day number 5. Fitting that a top 5 should be today's post. I'm way too fucked up in the head for any new roofie jokes, or women hating commentary, so while I would love to write about the top 5 broads that I hate but also would love to roofie....sadly that will have to wait for another day. Instead a top 5 from one of my favorite movies of all time.

04 January 2009

this is a land of confusion

Never has there been a title that better summed things up. "I hate myself and want to die" I think Kurt may have written this song just for me.
that is all.....

03 January 2009

well if you told me you were drowning, I would not lend a hand

In an attempt to put a side the many fucked up things that are swirling around my head and to move past the gay transgressions that I have committed in the past 48 hours, I've been trying to become one again with my inner hate. Two weeks ago I was perfectly fine, not a care in the world. Now I'm at a point where I want to kick my own ass, and I almost posted the top 5 pictures of me and my son's mother. What the shit is wrong with me? Perhaps I'm going through a mid-life crisis, although I don't lead the healthiest of lifestyles so if this was my actual mid-life - that would mean I'd live to be 54 and some change...don't see that happening as long as there are $3 packs of camels and Rock Bottom continues $1 pint night. Regardless in an attempt to return to the asshole I long to be, and to put aside the slack jawwed faggot who had tears in his eyes when he heard Elvis's "One Night" earlier today...I present this week in hate, or:

top 5 things that send me into a homicidal rage

#5 - People Who are Happy

If you are a happy person, I have but one question - What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you not realize how much there is to be angry about in this world? Traffic, a Democrat entering the White House, a Recession, Michigan's first 8 loss season, and equal pay for women - just off the top of my head. Instead you walk around all "puppy dogs and ice cream" whistling the latest Miley Cyrus song or whatever you happy sons of bitches listen to, why not think of all the pain and suffering in this world. Or at least think of all the pain and suffering in my world.

#4 - My Clients
First off, if you happen to be a client of mine - don't for one second think that I like you. I hope you all develop full blown aids and die - and if you are one of the clients that I do like, it's only because I want to bang you, in which case you will definitely develop full blown aids and die, or at least a wicked case of crabs. Stop asking me for favors. Remember that time I got you a room in Brazil so that you could take your girlfriend on vacation without your wife knowing? And then two weeks later you cancelled a $60,000 contract with me and refused to pay any penalty? I hope one day I catch your sorry ass outside of my place of business - because I will most definitely "let the desert Eaze breath on you"

#3 - My System Administrator
How is it that a free fucking gmail account comes with 7,280 MB of storage, but on my work email, a multi-billion dollar company I only get 300 MB of storage? Every god damn night at 12:00am I get a fucking reminder of how much I hate you. Eat shit and die you cock sucker motherfucking automatically generated email. I like to go back and read email exchanges from two years ago between me and clients that I want to bang - shoot me.

#2 - Text Message / Email Shorthand
I've come to accept LOL. Even the occasual LMAO, ROTFL, and the grandaddy of them all OMFG (if you must blaspheme, have enough respect to write it out long hand) I choose not to use them myself, and on the occasion that I actual do laugh out loud, I write it L-O-L just to draw attention to the stupidity of it. However, I do not subscribte to the recent trend that has mafe it okay to use 'U' in lieu of you, '2' instead of to, and 'Y' instead of why. Nothing tells people that you didn't crack 900 on your SAT's or even graduate high school quicker than using those common substitutions. Furthermore, you are avoiding - at best, an additional two letters. I may be one of the laziest people on earth, but even I can muster the strength to hit those two additional keys. So if you decide to email or text me with those ghetto ass shorthands don't be surprised if you don't get a reply...unless I'm drunk and lonely, otherwise - SMFCYLFMFR (suck my cock you lazy fucking mother fucker)

#1 - Women
Why is it that the ones that I want to bang - ignore my not so subtle text messages? And don't kid yourselves, you're not that fucking hot, I'm just lazy and like to get black out drunk. However, if you happen to be a stripper that I may or may not have had a month long relationship with before dropping you like 5th period French - you decide to text me at 11am on January 2nd? You can all fuck off and die. My New Years resolution is to stop treating 2's and 3's like they are 10's. I don't care how many times you've tried to kill yourself, you're shit still stinks and you're not that hot. But I digress, I'm directing this at you - you fucking transvestite looking emo haircut having opera singing skank that Jefferson Steercock should have banged instead of me. You make me fucking sick you disgusting whore. Any chick that would hook up with me on a night when I was in rare form and got us kicked out of not one, but two bars and even tried to bang you right on top of the second bar should have her fucking manly looking head examined. I have absolutely no respect for you - pound sand.

02 January 2009

just as I thought it was going alright

So while there are a lot of strange thoughts going through my mind right now and I managed to top the entire top 5 list of gay acts from 2008 in the first 11 minutes of 2009 I choose not to write about that. Perhaps after I see my therapist I'll share. Instead I'll try a new feature in top 5's, and a new Friday feature

top 5 songs I'm down with this week
in no particular order

#5 - Debra - Beck
I really wrote this entire post simply because I'm pissed that I didn't include this song in the top 5 from 2008. This is the last track on Midnite Vultures and is officially replacing Sexx Laws as my favorite track on the album. A song about spitting game at a broad who works at JC Penny's but also wanting to get with her sister at the same time. Like I said this should have been in the 2008 top 5. "I cold step to you with a fresh pack of gum" - who has more game than Beck?



#4 - Spotlight - Mute Math
I saw Mute Math open for a band I'd rather not admit to. I've been a fan ever since. This is their newest song from a movie I'll never see.



#3 - Lounge Act - Nirvana
The downside to my cup full o' hate is that it get's me really fucked up, but the Red Bull also prevents me from sleeping as well as convincing me that I'm about to have a heart attack. Also, it hasn't been putting me in a real hateful mood lately, but that's a story for another time. So I was up watching Nirvana clips at 4am and since then this song's been stuck in my head.



#2 - A Change is Gonna Come - Seal
A cover of the classic Sam Cooke song. Seal released an entire album of classic Soul songs in November and it's actually pretty god damn good.


#1 - Of Minor Prophets & their Prostitute Wives - David Bazan
I have issues....this song sums up a small part of it. "all is forgiven, so come home"

01 January 2009

she don't like losing, to her it's still a game

Other than wicked hangovers, New Years Day means the Rose Bowl Game. The meeting of the Big 10 and PAC 10 champions in Pasadena, California. So while you're watching USC hang 47 points on Penn State today take a look back at the:

top 5 Rose Bowl Games


#5 - January 1, 1993 - Michigan vs. Washington


In a rematch of the 1992 Rose Bowl Michigan and Washinton met in Pasadena in front of 94,000 fans. Tyrone Wheatley rushed for 235 yards to lead the Victors to a 38-31 victory snapping a two year bowl winning streak for the Huskies. Michigan finished the season ranked #7.

#4 - January 1, 1948 - Michigan vs. USC

Michigan's second Rose Bowl Appearance ended the same as their first in 1902. A 49-0 victory. When the Wolverines arrived in Pasadena, they were 15-point favorites and coach Fritz Crisler felt it was necessary to call a team meeting to stifle over-confidence. Ten minutes into the game, on Michigan's second possession, Jack Weisenburger spun across the line from the one to cap an 11 play, 64 yard drive and initiate the day's scoring. In the second quarter, Weisenburger gained another one-yard touchdown, and Chappuis jump-passed to Elliott from the 11 to give the Maize and Blue a 21-0 half-time lead. Notre Dame had been named the 1947 National Champions, however following Michigan's dominating performance the Associated Press held a special vote and retroactively named Michigan the National Champions by a 266-119 margin. The win gave Michigan their 9th National Championship as they finished the season 9-0.

#3 - January 2, 1989 - Michigan vs. USC



The 75th Rose Bowl game was moved to January 2nd due to New Years Day falling on a Sunday. The Wolverine's would go on to win 22-14 behind the running of Rose Bowl MVP Leroy Hoard to give Bo Schembechler his last Rose Bowl Victory before his retirement in 1990.


#2 - January 1, 1998 - Michigan vs. Washington State



Third year coach Llyod Carr and the Wolverines entered the game 10-0 having only conceded 110 points throughout the regular season. Led by Heisman trophy winner Charles Woodson, and Rose Bowl MVP Brian Griese the Wolverines won 21-16 and ended the season 11-0, ranked #1 by the AP and Coaches Poll and claimed their 11th National Championship.

#1 - January 1, 1902 - Michigan vs. Stanford



The first Rose Bowl Game featured Michigan and Stanford. Michigan entered the game 10-0 and had outscored oponents 550-0 over the course of the season. To this day the 1901 Michigan Wolverines remain the only NCAA football team to go undefeated, untied, and unscored-upon. Fielding Yost lead the blue & maize to a 49-0 lead and with 8 minuted remaining in the game Stanford quit giving Michigan their first of 11 national championships. The beating unleashed by the Wolverines was so severe that game organizers wouldn't hold the next Rose Bowl for 15 years, instead opting to hold chariot races, ostrich races, and other various events instead of football. Stanford disbanded their football team replacing it with rugby until the humiliation of 1902 finally wore off in 1918.