Rep. Edolphus Towns, D-N.Y., the incoming chairman of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, said he will hold hearings and possibly subpoena NCAA officials, college presidents, players, coaches and athletics directors in an effort to force a playoff in Division 1-A football, USA Today reports.he goes on to add:
"I really feel that you can't leave it as is," Towns said. "Right now, if you ask what the No. 1 team is, a lot of people would say USC. Others would say Texas and if you ask anybody in the state of Utah, they would say their team was best. I want to get a system that has credibility."Apparently our government has fixed every other god damn problem facing the country and can move on to other things. Jesus fucking Christ, don't worry about the economy, or healthcare, or the war in Afghanistan, Iraq, the gaza strip - please by all means hold hearings on motherfucking college football. When did our government become so fucking mighty and all knowing that they can stop focusing on their own fuck-ups and start telling the NCAA how to fix their problems? You have got to be fucking kidding me. I'm not even going to argue why I think there should not be a play-off system in college football, I'll save that for another time.
Is it not the job of our elected representatives to push for policies that will better the lives of their constituents? So Representative Edolphus Towns represents New York's 10th Congressional District. This guy must represent a district with an NCAA powerhouse football team right? He must be the representative from Syracuse, or even Buffalo right? Surely the people who voted for him would be in favor of a playoff system. What? He represents where? Brooklyn? WHAT THE FUCK? I get it now. It makes perfect sense. The #1 problem facing the fine people of Brooklyn isn't rampant crime, or threat of terrorist attacks; it's whether or not Florida should have played Utah in the BCS Championship. Get Fucked.
When did it become okay for our elected officials to stop trying to better the lives of the people who elected them and instead focus on their own meaningless personal agendas? With that in mind I present:
the top 5 Congressional Inquiries I'll hold when elected to office
the distinguished Gentleman Rep. Rob Gordon, esquire (R-MI) calls to the stand:
#5 - Every size 15 who tries to squeeze into a size 8
Really fat bitches? Really? I want an oversight comitee meeting right this god damn second on what the fuck is going through your fat fucking mind, that makes you think it's okay to wear clothing that makes under armour look like a fucking poncho. No more government cheese for your fat fucking ass until we hear a convincing excuse.
#4 - NBC
The last episode of Seinfeld sucked complete ass. We are revoking your FCC licence until you air an acceptable conclusion to one of the greatest sitcoms ever.
#3 - Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences
In 1994 a film about a bumbling retard won not one, not two, but six god damn awards including best film? Meanwhile one of the greatest films of our generation Pulp Fiction won only one for best original screenplay? Explain yourself, and be quick about it - there is a F-22 with a strategic nuclear weapon headed towards your offices if the committee is not satisfied with your explanation.
#2 - Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
You tastless motherfuckers found a spot to display Bonnie Raitt's freedom hating no talent hack sitar, or whatever the fuck it is she plays, but no Phil? And your sorry ass Louvre knock-off mueseum is in Ohio? I think the sex pistols put it best when they called your hall a piss stain. You owe the nation and the world clarification.
#1 - Touchstone Pictures
It's an absolute abomination that the DVD for High Fidelity does not contain a director's cut, or a commentary track. You will feel the might of our entire military until this wrong is righted.