30 April 2009

the "mighty hammers" strike again....sort of

"See, West Ham football is mediocre. But our firm is top-notch, and everyone knows it. The GSE: Green Street Elite. Arsenal...great football, shit firm...the Gooners. Tottenham....shit football, and a shit firm....the Yids, they're called. I actually put their main lad through a phone box window the other day."
There's not a whole lot of decent footie movies out there. Green Street Hooligans sure as hell didn't deserve an academy award, but it was pretty entertaining if you can look past the unconvincing performance by Elijah "lord of the rings" Woods. Green Street Hooligans provides the best description of why brits don't like baseball, and why most yanks don't appreciate footie:

Matt Buckner: What are you talkin' about, baseball is a girl's game? The Red Sox have a guy that pitches the ball over 90 miles per hour!
Pete Dunham: Who cares? All that means is that he can have a wank faster than you.

That being said - there are some films that just don't merit a sequel. I'm no Oliver Stone, but here's a tip for you aspiring film makers, if you can only convince one of the original cast members to play in the sequel, perhaps it's not worth making. And maybe, just fucking maybe, if the writer of the original film buys the internet domain of the name of the sequel to announce that he had absolutely nothing to fucking do with it....you might consider scrapping the project. A straight to DVD release in the UK, it's yet to be released stateside. Regardless, as god awful as this looks as soon as it makes it to the $6.99 rack at target, I'll be watching....with no pants on.

Following the deadly climax of "Green Street Hooligans," several members of the West Ham firm and numerous members of Millwall end up in jail. The GSE quickly discover the brutality of life on the inside, as they are constant targets of the superior numbers and better-financed Millwall crew. Football on the inside and out is followed fervently by the prisoners and wins and losses by both are quickly followed by punishment or reward. This could mean a beating or an extra shower or a day of visitation, which inspires extreme behavior. When overcrowding compels a need for the early release of a fortunate few, fate brings West Ham and Millwall together again this time on a Pitch. The stakes are the highest they have ever been for all concerned with death or freedom quite literally a goal away. Game on.

28 April 2009

the older the berry, the sweeter the juice?

"Alright, you take your twenty year old right? Yeah, great body, no contest. You want skills? You gotta go at least thirty, thirty-five. Now you're gonna have to give up a little bit of tone for that, okay? Because, thirty, thirty-five....I don't care if you go to the gym twice, three times a day, it don't matter, twenty year old bodys gone bye-bye. But you get over that visual thing and I'll tell you something, alright, you have never had what you will have with a forty year old woman....if it's the right forty year old woman. And if you are ever fortunate enough to run into the right fifty year old woman, oh my god - you have no idea. You have no fucking idea."
-Trent (Ron Livingston) Body Shots

Things that typically affect women when they get on the wrong side of 50 include but are not limited to: vericose veins, cottage cheese thighs, droopy cans, saggy ass, wrinkly grill, desert poon, oprah arms, and of course the dreaded cankles. While I generally prefer my broads look closer to sixteen than sixty, in honor of the lovely Kim Gordon's birthday today, a look at the top 5 hottest rockers over 50.

enjoy bitches:

#5 -Sheila E 51 - the Revolution (December 12, 1957)

#4 - Nancy Wilson 55 - Heart (March 16, 1954)

#3 - Kim Gordon 56 - Sonic Youth (April 28, 1953)

#2 - Joan Jett 50 - Joan Jett & the Heartbreakers (September 22, 1958)

#1 - Susanna Hoffs 50 - the Bangles (January 17, 1959)

24 April 2009

know your foe - new york redbulls

DC United makes a short drive up I-95 to dirty jersey to play the Epire Soccer Club/ New York/New Jersey MetroStars/RedBull Sunday at 3pm. United is coming off a 2-0 win against FC Dallas in US Open Cup qualifying, and a 1-1 draw against New England in their last league match. New York enters the game coming off a 1-0 defeat in Kansas City Thursday evening in which Carlos Johnson was sent off in the game's second minute allowing Claudio Lopez to score the game's only goal on the ensuing penalty kick. The red card was Johnson's second of the young season having been ejected in concurrent games (first in the 78th minute vs. Houston two weeks ago).


It would be safe to say the current New York RedBulls have suffered from a bit of an identity crisis over the years. One of the founding members of Major League Soccer. MLS Originally announced the team name as the Empire Soccer Club, however the team began play in 1996 named the New York New Jersey MetroStars, then beginning in the 1997 season known only as the MetroStars. In 2006 the team was sold to the greatest company on earth Austrian energy drink manufacturer RedBull and the team was renamed RedBull New York or the New York RedBulls.


The "New York" RedBulls play their home games at Giant's Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey. Like all teams that call Giant's Stadium home they don't claim the putrid cesspool state in their name instead choosing to call themselves New York despite being more than 7 miles outside of the five Burroughs. Despite a population of less than 10,000, East Rutherford is home to four professional sports teams: New York Giants, New York Jets, New Jersey Nets, and the RedBulls. East Rutherford is also home of the "New Jersey Hall of Fame"....with such prestigious inductees as Bon Jovi, Bud Abbott, and Jerry Lewis. Giant's Stadium is set to be tore down in 2010 before which the RedBulls will move even further outside of the city to RedBull Arena in Harrison, NJ. Long time RedBull supporter Jimmy Hoffa is the only known fan of the team to never miss a home game, sadly once the team moves into their new stadium Hoffa has publicly stated he will never attend another match.

Affectionately known as the New York Pink Cows the team has no official nickname, known only as the RedBulls. In one of the opening games of the 2006 season DC United forward Alecko Eskandarian celebrated his first half goal after a team mate tossed him a can of RedBull which he promptly chugged and spit on the artificial turf of Giants Stadium. Esky was subsequently fined a whooping $250 by Major League Soccer.

RedBull has certainly taken full advantage of their ownership of the club, placing their logo on the front of the jersey twice, once as the presenting sponsor, and then directly above it in the team crest. Just in case you forgot who owned and sponsored the team, RedBull is also listed on the back of the jerseys directly below each player's number. RedBull also owns FC Red Bull Salzburg who play in he Austrian Bundesliga, Austria's first division.

Head to Head Record
DC and New York play annually for the "Atlantic Cup" which is awarded to the team winning the regular season series between the two clubs. United leads the all time series racking up an impressive regular season record of 33-17-7 since the inaugural season. As well as a 5-1-1 record in the playoffs. United has won the last five Atlantic Cups winning the season series nine times in the first thirteen seasons of MLS. Most recently in 2008 the teams each won, lost, and tied a match with United retaining the cup based on winning it in 2007.

Trophy Case
"Man, we been out here thirteen years - and we ain't won shit" Despite having some of the best talent in the league the RedBulls are yet to win a championship in any competitions. Last year they backed into the playoffs and represented the Western Conference in MLS Cup only to lose to the Columbus Crew 3-1. All that losing has turned their supporters a little bit bitter. Fans have even gone so far as to assemble a March Madness style bracket of hate with such entrants as Ben Olsen, Jaime Moreno, Jeff Agoos, Dema Kovalenko, Raul diaz Arce, among others.

Juan Carlos Osorio was named head coach following the 2007 season making him the club's 11th coach in thirteen seasons. He inherited the job from current LA Galaxy coach and former DC & Men's national team coach Bruce Arena. Prior to coaching the RedBulls Osorio was an assistant coach with Manchester City, Columbian club Millonarios, and head coach with the Chicago Fire. Despite posting a 10-11-9 record and -6 goal differential the Osorio led the RedBulls to MLS Cup in his first season.

Supporters Groups

The team has quite a few vocal supporters groups, most notably the Empire Supporters Club. During home games they can be found in section 101 directly above the home team player's entrance. Among their greatest hits are clever anti-dc chants such as "your mayor smoked crack", "fuck united", "dc united went to see the pope", however their crowning gem has to be - Cans of red bull in our trousers
We’ve got cans of red bull in our trousers:
We’ve got cans of red bull in our trousers,
We’ve got cans of red bull,
We’ve got cans of red bull,
We’ve got cans of red bull in our trousers!
It's accompanied by this brilliant explanation on their website - "It used to be armadillos in our trousers, back in the day. Given the name change this just made sense. Why? Because we are fucking huge that’s why." Other supporters groups include Raging Bull Nation, Garden State Supporters, and the Kearny Army

The RedBull/MetroStars have never been short on talent. Their opening season such stars Tony Meola, former AC Milan star Roberto Donadoni, and Tab Ramos. Over the years Clint Mathis, Tim Howard, Jeff Agoos, Eddie Gaven, Michael Bradley, Eddie Pope, Timmy Howard, even Jaime Moreno (2003), and Captain America Cladio Reyna have suited up for the MetroStars/RedBull. Most recently national team regular Jozy Altidore; before a $10 million transfer saw him depart the dirty jerzee for Villareal. The current roster includes designated player Juan Pablo Angel, Khano Smith, Dane Richards, as well as former DC United defender Mike Petke.

The Game
United has played inconsistently this season, however, I think they have too much talent to drop this game to the RedBulls. The last time Benny suited up in Giants Stadium he dropped three goals for his first professional hat trick. Look for goals from Benny, Fred, and Tino.

Prediction DCU 3 : NYRB 1

Also, if someone could explain to me just what the shit is going on in this video...that'd be great. Tip to NYRB - perhaps the person leading your songs, shouldn't have a sp-sp-speeech impediment.

22 April 2009

know your foe - fc dallas (us open cup edition)

DC United begins it's defense of their 2008 US Open Cup Championship tonight 7:30pm at RFK stadium. Despite being the reigning champs, DC is not guaranteed a berth in the Cup due to their poor showing in MLS regular season last year. DC is coming off a 1-1 draw vs. the Revs last week, while Dallas comes is coming off of a 3-2 victory over Toronto FC.

One of the 10 inaugural teams of Major League Soccer, the Dallas Burn began play in 1996. Originally named Dallas Burn the team sported a crest with some sort of acid trip induced gay fire breathing unicorn. The team was purchased by original MLS investors and American Soccer pioneer Lamar Hunt in 2003. In perhaps one of the best moves in MLS history the team changed its name to FC Dallas after the conclusion of the 2004 season. As part of the club's re-branding, new uniforms, and a new logo were unveiled along with the name change.

FC Dallas plays their home games at Pizza Hut Park in Frisco, TX. The town of Frisco was settled along the route of the St. Louis-San Fransisco Railway. In 1904, the residents chose the name Frisco City in honor of the railway, later shortened to its present name. Pizza Hut Park opened in the summer of 2005, partially financed by Lamar Hunt and the city of Frisco Texas. Capacity for soccer matches is 20,500 and the stadium is part of a larger complex of 18 soccer fields. Since it's opening it has hosted two MLS Cups, as well as the 2008 NCAA Men's Soccer Final seeing Maryland beat North Carolina 1-0.

As part of a re-branding the club's name was changed to FC Dallas for the 2005 season. The logo features the name FC Dallas and the number 96, signifying the year that the club played its inaugural game, above a drawing of a bull, signifying the kind of Texas cattle that were driven along North Texas trails throughout the 19th century. The logo features the club's new colors red, white and blue, (all of which can be found in the American flag and the state flag of Texas), and a hint of silver. While there is no official nickname for the club they are referred to as the toros, or the hoops apparently referencing the horizontal stripes on their jerseys or some shit.

FC Dallas is one of the few remaining teams in the MLS with out a front of jersey sponsor. Pizza Hut which is headquartered in a north Dallas suburb purchased the naming rights to their home stadium in 2006.

Head to Head Record

DC United has posted a losing record vs. Dallas since 1996, going 13-15-5. Most recently during the 2008 season United was 0-1-1.

Trophy Case

Plenty of space in the ol' Dallas trophy case. No MLS Cup appearances, their best regular season performance was in 2006 when they garnered 52 points (16-12-4) only to miss out on the Supporter's Shield by 3 points to DC United. Dallas (then the burn) won the 1997 US Open Cup defeating none other than DC United. The game ended in a scoreless draw, Dallas won 5-3 on penalty kicks. Since then Dallas has made two other Open Cup final appearances losing to LA in '05, and New England in '07.


Schellas Hyndman took over the reigns in 2008 after interim coach Steve Morrow was fired. Hyndman spent 27 years coaching in the NCAA racking up an impressive 405 victories, and earning honors as the WAC conference coach of the year 8 times while coaching Southern Methodist. Oh..and he'll kick your ass. He's a tenth degree black belt in Aiki Ju-Jutsu. Among other things that allows him to take a straight on kick to the nuts with out batting an eye lash.

Supporter's Groups
The main supporter's group is the inferno who sit directly behind the south-end goal in section 116. Offering such chart topping clever chants as:
(Based on the Commodores song “Brickhouse”)
He’s a Brek…house
He’s mighty mighty…he lets it all hang out
He’s a Brek…house
He hits you back, and that’s a fact
Ain’t holdin’ nothing back
Brek it down Brek it down Brek it down now

Notable former Dallas players include current Cardiff City striker Eddie Johnson, Carlos Ruiz, current Real Salt Lake coach and all time club leading goal and assist leader Jason Kreis, and Ronnie O'Brien. The current roster includes Kenny Cooper, Jeff Cunningham and Dave van den Bergh. Defender Steve Purdy is listed as out. Both teams will field interesting rosters as FC Dallas leaves DC to play LA on Saturday, while DC travels to the dirty jerz to face New York. Typically early Open Cup rounds feature a mix of veterans and rookies. Expect to see new faces on both sides of the ball.

The Game
It's difficult to predict the outcome of the game. On paper DC has a much more talented team the Dallas. Both teams are in the midst of a 10 day stretch that will see both teams playing three matches. DC usually opts to hold earlier Open Cup matches at the Maryland Soccer plex due to low turnouts, that coupled with bad weather and no tv coverage will probably make for a lack luster match from both sides. Some interesting rules concerning US Open Cup play; each side is permitted four substitues per match, but may only dress five international players. Look for Marc Burch to continue his Open Cup hot streak with a goal from a free kick.

Prediction DCU 1 - FCD 0

21 April 2009

misery turns fifty

Robert Smith
born April 21, 1959

Back when MTV didn't show real world/road rules challenges all day long, my aunt produced a show called Hangin' with MTV. During the summer of '92 I got to sit in the audience for a live taping of the show that featured Ringo Starr and his All-Starr band and none other than the cure promoting the Wish album. I got to meet Ringo, but declined meeting Robert Smith before the taping. His appearance was a little to much for a ten year old Rob Gordon to take. I wish I could say that after watching a live performance of "Friday I'm in Love" I was an instant Cure fan, however it would be a few years before I grew to appreciate it. Probably right around the time the weight of the world crushed my will to live....Regardless, happy 50th birthday to Robert Smith

top 5 Cure songs

enjoy bitches

#5 - Lullaby Disintegration - 1989

#4 - Friday I'm in Love Wish - 1992

#3 - Disintegration Disintegration - 1989

#2 - Pictures of You Disintegration - 1989

#1 - In Between Days The Head on the Door - 1985

20 April 2009

ben olsen is for the children

Ben notched his first goal since September of 2007 in the 90th minute on Friday evening to give United a 1 - 1 draw. It was also Jaime Moreno's 100th career assist making him the first player in MLS history to notch 100 goals and 100 assists. Watch the video, and then bring that sweet ass over here and vote for him for goal of the week....or he will kill you:
Enjoy bitches:

16 April 2009

know your foe - new england revolution

know your foe - new england revolution

(this feature borrowed from Michigan blogs - Mzone & Spawn of Mzone)

DC United faces the New England Revolution Friday at 7pm, for their first nationally televised game of the year (ESPN2). The Revs enter the match second place in the Eastern Conference (2-0-1) with a game in hand, while United (1-1-2) sits in fourth place after last weeks loss to Real Salt Lake.


The Revs were one of the founding members of MLS, starting play in 1996 sporting what looked to be rejects from a remake of Joseph's Technicolor Dreamcoat. During their flight to play Chivas USA during 2008 SuperLiga play, Rev players encountered a naked passenger and hilarity ensued. Team staff helped to subdue an unruly passenger who had undressed and was attempting to open the plane's emergency exit during the flight. Disproving the common theory that "the revolution will not be televised" the Revs are the only original MLS team to have all of their games broadcast on TV, something DC area television stations could learn from.


While it was rumored for a while that the Rev's would attempt to build their own stadium in South Boston, they play their home games at Gillette Stadium in Foxborough Massachussets. Settled in 1704 and incorporated in 1778, Foxborough was named for Charles James Fox, Member of the Parliament of the United Kingdom who was a staunch supporter of the Thirteen Colonies in the years leading up to the American Revolution. Foxborough Mass is home to Freddy Adu's ex-girlfriend JoJo, as well as fromer South Vietnamese President Nguyen Văn Thiue. Gillette Stadium was opened in 2002 and the playing surface was switched from grass to field turf in 2006. Gillette Stadium was the first soccer facility in the world to install the FieldTurf Monofilament System, a system that has also earned FIFA's 2-star rating

Nickname & Mascot

To keep in the patriotic theme with their other team, the Patriots, and because New England was a big part of the Revolutionary War, the Kraft family named the club the Revolution. In blatant discregard for Section 1 Title 4, section 8 (I & J) laws governing proper respect for the American Flag the Revs logo is depicted in Red brushstrokes as stripes in the American Flag. The stars are shaped to form a soccer ball. The name "New England Revolution" is at the bottom. Their mascot is Sly the Fox....clever huh. Named after a bar, if you can call it that in Quincy, MA - why? Beacause Quincee rawks you fawk!

The Revs are one of the few remaining MLS teams with out a lead sponsor. Old Man Kraft foots the bill for all team operations. Their 2009 kits have removed the team name from the chest similar to last years DCU jerseys prior to their partnership with VW. Which leads one to the only rational conclusion the team will be sponsored by Snuggie.
Head to Head Record

DCU leads the all-time series 24-20-6. They split the series 1-1-1 in 2008. The Revs have the added distinction of appearing in and losing all four MLS Cups they have advanced to. Tbe Rev's added a SuperLiga Trophy in 2008 defeating the Houston Dynamo 6-5 on penalty kicks.

Trophy Case

Completely empty until 2007, now the proud owners of two shiny trophies compared to United's 12.

US Open Cup - 2007

SuperLiga - 2008


Steve "shit the bed" Nicol has coached the Revs officially since 2002. During his playing career he notched 343 appearances with Liverpool, and 21 with the Scottish National Team. The team has advanced to the MLS Eastern Conference Finals in each of his years as coach until 2008, and returned to the MLS Cup in 2005, 2006, and 2007. Living up to his nickname Nicol's Revs have the unique distinction of having not scored a goal in regulation time in the first three of their four final appearances (losing all four).

Supporters Groups

The Midnight Riders. Not the rowdiest of bunches they sit in section two of Gillette Stadium, and regale the crowd with great chants such as this steaming pile:
From the halls of Foxboro Stadium
To the seats of Section 2
We're the mighty Revolution
And we're all red white and blue
Well we're drinking in the parking lots
And we're ready for a ruck (a ruck!)
If you meet us on the pitch tonight, You better bring more than your luck

You think Greg Alman would have been able to pen a better tune for a group in his namesake.


Notable former players include: Clint Dempsey, Andy Dorman, Alexi Lalas, Pat Noonan, Eric Wynalda, and former DCU players Raul Diaz Arce and Johnny Harkes. Their current roster is composed of the cheapest talent that Old man Kraft can get including the league's worst defender Jay Heaps, former United defender Chris Albright, Shalarie Joseph, and of course Taylor Twellman. The Revs have been a bit injury plagued listing TT as out for this Friday's match along with Chris Albright, and have goal keeper Matt Reis listed as questionable.

The Game

United has led all of their four games this year, and only held the lead one time. With Matt Reis and Taylor Twellman out I think United gets it mojo back and wins this one easily. 2 goals from Emilio, and 1 from Moreno.

Prediction: DCU 3 - NE 1