28 May 2009

the last of the famous international playboys

top 5 Smiths songs

The highly anticipated follow up to the top 5 Morrissey songs, and it only took me a good six days to narrow down the field to the top 5. enjoy bitches:

There Is a Light That Never Goes Out

The Queen is Dead 1986
"what ever you put down in a lyric to define your love or hate for anyone he'll do it one better, cause he's the best lyricist i've ever read" - Noel Gallagher. Nowhere is that more evident than in there's a light that never goes our, "And if a double-decker bus, crashes into us, to die by your side, is such a heavenly way to die, and if a ten-ton truck, kills the both of us, to die by your side, Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine"

Girlfriend in a Coma

Strangeways, Here We Come1987
Who hasn't had a girlfriend that they wished was in a coma at some point or another? I'm not talking about dishing out an Ike Turner-esque beating, rather maybe she has a nastly slip and fall hits her head and ends up in a vegetative state...not long enough for you to have to contemplate pulling the plug, just long enough so you don't have to listen to her bitch and moan for a few weeks. "Girlfriend in a coma, when I heard it I nearly crashed my car and ended up in a coma. He has that gift, THAT is not the mark of a miserable man. There’s just miserable people who don’t get the humor." – Bono
I Want the one I can't have

Meat is Murder 1985
Contains one of my favorite lyrics of all time. "And if you ever need self validation, just meet me in the alley by the railway station". For the record, I'd totally blow the mozzer behind a railway station....wait what? Meat is Murder was the second studio smiths album and the first produced solely by Morrissey and guitarist Johnny Marr. Morrissey has been an outspoken vegetarian since the age of eleven, however he has given one example of when meat is okay when he had this to say, “all I said was bring me the head of Elton john, which would be one instance when meat would not be murder, if it was on a plate”
Shoplifters of the World Unite

Single 1987
Morrissey has called this his favorite Smiths song in several interviews over the years. I'm no Rick Rubin, but if you're looking to put out a bad ass song, take a cue from the smiths: 1) put a black and white photo of Elvis on the cover, 2)Include the lyric "My only weakness is a list of crimes, my only weakness is ... well, never mind, never mind, never mind", 3) when ever you perform it live, don't be afraid to sex it up like the mozzer.
How Soon Is Now?

Hatful of Hollow 1984
Liam Gallagher put it best- "Morrissey...you can't really sum that geezer up in a nifty sentence because, everything about him is contrary." He goes on to tell the story of pissing his pants on the city bus while reading a Morrissey interview in NME before offering this on guitarist Johnny Marr, "As for Johnny Marr, there's nothing he can not do......the man's a fucking wizard." "You can't be influenced by Johnny Marr because he's unique, beacuse you can't play what he plays, even he can't play what he plays. He's told me stories about trying to re-create the begining of How Soon is Now? and fuck it's like being in an Abott & Costello sketch, even he's not as good as he is. Well fuck me, if anyone knows how to play a guitar it's him"

22 May 2009

did i listen to pop music because i was miserable? or was i miserable because i listened to pop music?

I own this store called Championship Vinyl. It's located in a neighborhood that attracts the bare minimum of window shoppers. I get by because the people make a special effort to shop here. Mostly young men, who spend most of their time looking for deleted Smiths singles, and original, not re-released underlined Frank Zappa albums. Fetish properties are not unlike porn. I'd feel guilty taking their money, if I wasn't......well, kind of one of them
born May 22, 1959

Once again the greatest book & movie of all time relates to everything. In one of the final scenes in high fidelity, Rob gets interviewed by Caroline Portis of the reader. She asks him for his all time top 5 records to which he responds: "in a club or at home?" When she asks if there is a difference; in the movie he tells her he'll make her a tape, in the book he offers up an explanation,
"Of Course...Well Yeah, a bit. 'Sin City' by the Flying Burrito Brothers is an all-time top five, but I wouldn't play it at the club. It's a country-rock ballad. Everybody'd go home."

He goes on and gives her four other songs, (off the top of my head: New Rose - the damned, Hit it and Quit It - Funkadelic, Shipbuilding - Elvis Costello (japanese import, no horns), Mystery Train - Elvis, Spaced Cowboy - Sly and the Family Stone) but through out the course of the interview he changes his mind and makes several substitutions before settling on his top 5. Then a few days later he phones her with a completely new list despite the fact the article has already gone to print.

Point being, I've been having a hell of a time trying to come up with my top 5 Morrissey songs. So in a complete and total cop out I came up with two lists, one top 5 from his solo albums, and one from the smiths. Even with expanding the field to ten total songs, I've spent the better part of three days revising my choices.
So happy birthday to the mozfather and enjoy bithces:

top 5 Morrissey Songs

The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get

Vauxhall and I 1994
I used to think this song was about stalking some broad with a restraining order against you, which I can totally relate to,"I hold more grudges, than high court judges. When you sleep, I will creep, into your thoughts, like a bad debt". Turns out - former Smiths drummer Mike Joyce sued Morrissey and Johnny Marr for royalties in 1989. He was finally awarded 1 million pounds in 1996, plus a 25% share of all Smiths royalties. Then he tried to have the Mozzer's mother's house seized in 2001. Clearly if there is a Smith's reunion in the future Phil will have to play the drums.

Will Never Marry

Bona Drag 1990
No better song to sit around drinking your fifteenth redbull and vodka of the morning, feeling sorry for yourself while having a good old fashioned pity party using your own tears for lube while masturbating to faded pictures of ex-girlfriends thinking about how miserable your life has become....or so I've been told. "I'm writing this to say, In a gentle way, Thank You - but no, I will live my life as I will undoubtedly die - alone"

Everyday is Like Sunday

Viva Hate 1988
The second single off of Morrissey's first solo album, probably one of his most popular songs. The video featured none other than 13 year old Drew Barrymore in the height of her cocaine binge days, but before her suicide attempt a year later. I don't remember who said it, "but while other song writers in the 80's were rhyming kiss and miss, Moz was writing: 'Trudging slowly over wet sand Back to the bench where your clothes were stolen'"

First of the Gang to Die

You are the Quarry2004
You are the Quarry was Morrissey's first studio album in seven years. Since the release of Maladjusted in '97 Morrissey had left the UK for Los Angeles. The Moz has attracted a strong latino fan base in the years since his move to the states. First of the Gang to die is a rugged portrayal of street crime and along with Irish Blood English Heart one of my favorites from the album.


Viva Hate 1988
As a youth the Mozzer would write letters to NME reviewing albums, his favorite act the New York Dolls. It was a surprise when both NME and music magazine The Word both made accusations claiming Morrissey was a racist. "The NME have calculatedly tried to damage my integrity and to label me as a racist in order to boost their diminishing circulation. Word magazine made the mistake of repeating those allegations, which they now accept are false and, as a result, have apologised in open court." Strangely enough one of Morrissey's most popular songs shares it's name with a 70's era UK offshoot of the skinhead movement - the suedeheads. "We all know for a fact he's not. Because if he was, the fucking news of the world would have uncovered it first - forget the fucking NME" - Noel Gallagher

back later with the top 5 smiths songs...

19 May 2009

united looking for goal of the week trifecta

If you missed Saturday nights match at Chivas you missed another last minute draw by the black and red. After conceding two first half goals, United rallied in the final 25 minutes to draw even with Luci-goal scoring in the 77th minute, before Tino stroked it from distance in the 85th minute. For the third consecutive week United has candidates for goal of the week honors. In week 7 Moreno garnered the honors, while last week party boy's goal took the award. Watch both goals and for the love of god bring that sweet-sweet ass over here and vote bitches:

The Mighty Duck man, I swear to God, I was there. I was like, "Emilio."

15 May 2009

hello heisman

Happy Birthday Desmond Howard
(May 15, 1970)

1991 Heisman Trophy Award Winner
1991 All American First Team
1991 Walter Camp Award
1991 Maxwell Award Winner
1991 UPI College Football Player of the Year
1999 NFL Probowl Selection
Super Bowl XXXI MVP(longest kickoff return in Super Bowl History-99 yards)
space bitches....space

12 May 2009

party boy up for goal of the week

If you missed Saturday's match you missed a second half that made my asshole pucker on a few seperate occasions. United equalized only to concede a goal less than two minutes later before Jaime notched his 125th goal in stoppage time for a dissapointing 3-3 draw. Regardless, United remains atop the Eastern conference. The rookies have made a strong showing for the black and red, most impressive first round pick, mid fielder Chris Pontius. Pontius has tallied three goals and two assists in 9 appearances, including this effort which is nominated for goal of the week. Watch below and bring that sweet-sweet ass over here and vote bitches.

10 May 2009

Bono turns 49

Paul David Hewson
born May 10, 1960

While he may get a little too preachy at times I love Bono. Whether he's being named Time's man of the year, getting nominated for a nobel peace prize, being knighted, rubbing elbows with presidents and popes, or barely legal coeds, Bono embodies the term "rock star".

It was not long after his mother's death, at age 14, that Paul also got his nickname. Originally "Steinhegvanhuysenolegbangbangbang," it evolved to "Bona Vox of O'Connell Street" after a hearing aid store in the centre of Dublin, before eventually being shortened to "Bono Vox" – latin for "good voice" – and finally "Bono".

top 5 U2 Songs

#5 - Pride The Unforgettable Fire, 1984
A song about the assassination of Martin Luther King. Probably wouldn't make my top 5 if it weren't for the story Bono told during their induction into the rock and roll hall of fame in 2005: 1987. Somewhere in the south. We'd been campaigning for Dr. King, for his birthday to become a national holiday. In Arizona , they are saying no. We're campaigning very hard for Dr. King. Some people don't like it. Some people get very annoyed. Some people want to kill us. Some people are taken very seriously by the FBI. They tell the singer that he shouldn't play the gig because tonight his life is at risk, and he must not go on stage. And the singer laughs. Of course we're playing the gig. Of course we go onstage, and I'm singing "Pride (In the Name of Love)" -- the third verse -- and I close my eyes. And you know, I'm excited about meeting my maker, but maybe not tonight. I don't really want to meet my maker tonight. I close my eyes and when I look up I see Adam Clayton standing in front of me, holding his bass as only Adam Clayton can hold his bass. There are people in this room who'd tell you they'd take a bullet for you, but Adam Clayton would have taken a bullet for me. I guess that's what its like to be in a truly great rock and roll band.

#4 - I will Follow Boy, 1980
The first track and second single off of U2's first album, a tribute to his mother who had passed away 6 years earlier. U2 was just becoming successful, in a 1982 interview Bono said, "We may well be the future of rock 'n' roll, but so what? When I go back to Dublin, to my girlfriend, it's more of a distraction that I'm in a band than any big deal - and my old man still shouts at me for not doing the dishes before I go to bed." With the exception of '92-'93 Zoo Tour, U2 has performed I will follow on every tour date, over 800 times.

#3 - Elevation All That You Can't Leave Behind, 2001
The third sing off of the All That You Can’t Leave Behind Album. It earned U2 the 2002 Grammy for Best Rock Performance. Also the name for Bono’s private Equity Firm/Tax Relief Fund “Elevation Partners” worth an estimated $2 billion. The Elevation tour grossed over $143 million for their 113 performances. If it’s good enough for Sir Alan Shearer it’s definitely good enough for my top 5.

#2 - All I Want Is You Rattle And Hum, 1988
Recorded in 1987 at the famous Sun Studios in Memphis Tennessee where B.B. King, Elvis, Johnny Cash, and even Roy Orbison got their starts, All I Want is You is the fourth single off of their 1988 release. Rattle and Hum is far from U2's best album, and All I Want is You is a departure from Bono's usual love song offering. Bono's vocals on this one are amazing and compliment the Edge's guitar perfectly.

#1 - Bad The Unforgettable Fire, 1984
As far as songs about Heroin go, this is in that top 5 too. Bono has said the song is about a friend who in Bono's words: "was given on his 21st birthday enough heroin into his bloodstream to kill him", and Bono's regret over the incident. The other four songs that would round out my top 5 songs about heroin - Guns N Roses -Mr. Brownstone, Neil Young - The Needle and the Damage Done, Everclear - Heroin Girl, Alice in Chains - umm...take your pick.

08 May 2009

know your foe - toronto fc

First place United (3-1-4) hosts Toronto FC (3-2-3) Saturday night at RFK with the winner remaining atop the Eastern Conference. United enters the match unbeaten in it's last four league matches, most recently drawing KC 1-1 on Wednesday night. Toronto is coming off a 1-1 draw with Columbus on May 2nd, as well as a 1-0 win vs. the Vancouver Whitecaps in the Nutrilife Canadian Championship Wednesday evening.
Toronto FC joined Major League Soccer in October of 2005 as the first team in canuckistan. The Canadian Government had lobbied for a franchise for some time in conjunction with their efforts to build a soccer stadium for the Canadian National Soccer Team. The team was announced on May 11, 2006 and began play in the 2007 season following construction of BMO field. TFC is owned by Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment majority owners of the NBA's Toronto Raptors, the Toronto Maple Leafs, as well as the Toronto Marlies of the AHL.

Toronto was settled by Europeans in the late 1700's on the north-western shore of Lake Ontario. Derived from the mohawk word - Tkaronto - meaning of course "where there are trees standing in the water", present day Toronto has quickly grown into the fifth most populous city in North America. Famous residents include, Neil Young, SNL producer Lorne Michaels, Peter Jennings, and of course Bob and Doug McKenzie. Nicknames for Toronto include T Dot, the Queen City, and hogtown. TFC plays their home games at BMO field, a soccer specific stadium opened in 2007. The stadium seats 20,500 and is one of the few remaining MLS stadiums with field instead of natural grass.

Upon announcing Toronto's expansion team fans were invited to vote on-line for the team's nickname. Options included; Toronto Northmen, Toronto Reds, Inter Toronto FC, and Toronto FC. Sadly my write in-vote for the Toronto Hosers was rejected. Nearly 40% of the voters choose simply "Toronto FC". Nicknames for the club include TFC and the reds.

Jersey & Sponsors
TFC is sponsored by BMO (Bank of Montreal), the fifth largest bank in Canada. In keeping with the national colors of canuckistan, the official team colours are red, white, dark grey, and light grey. BMO also owns the naming rights to TFC's stadium, purchasing the naming rights to the stadium in a deal worth C$27 million over 10 years.

Head to Head Record
DC United has pretty much had TFC's number the past two seasons. Toronto has only managed one win while being outscored a combined 14-6. United is 5-1 vs. TFC their only loss coming coming at RFK stadium in May of 2007 by a score of 3-2.

Trophy Case
Safe to say that in their two years TFC ain't won shit ehh? Failing to qualify for the playoffs both years, and being from the great white north makes them in-eligible to play in the US Open Cup. TFC has won little more than hearts and minds, with a two year waiting list to be one of the 16,000 season ticket holders. Among their fans are: (from left to right): Curtis '50 cent' Jackson, Rivers Cuomo of weezer, Vernon Wells of the Toronto Blue Jays, and some broad with big cans (Jayden Nicole, playboy playmate). photos courtesy of mls-rumors.net

Following the sudden resignation of head coach John Carver on April 25th, TFC named Chris Cummins interim head coach. Carver who is a longtime friend of Alan Shearer has been rumored to be on his way back to his hometown New Castle to assist Shearer in his effort to avoid relegation. Prior to being an assistant coach with TFC Cummins began his professional coaching career in 1996 with Watford Football Club as the Youth Development Coordinator. Hired at Watford by former England manager, Graham Taylor, he was later promoted to Watford’s Assistant Academy Manager in 1998 and went on to become Director of Youth – youth and reserve team until 2008.

Supporters Groups
TFC is certainly one of the better supported clubs in MLS. They have multiple supporters groups including: the north end elite, the tribal rhythm nation, the u sector, and the red patch boys. Most famous for their trip to Columbus for the 2008 season opener where they outnumbered crew fans while unveiling a giant TFC jersey. Then there was the incident following that game involving TFC fans pissing on Columbus cop cars (I think everyone can support that). My favorite has to be the '2 girls 1 cup' banner at an away Crew game this year. Their fans have been called hooligans, if you ask me it's all in good fun, throwing beer on Drew Carey during the 2009 season opener, most recently a flare thrown by two teen aged tfc supporters burned another fan and led to their arrest, . Then of course there was streamer gate last year: (Michael Wilbon can get fucked by the way):

Former players of note to suit up for the reds include: Ronnie O'Brien, 2007 MLS rookie of the year and current Glasgow Rangers midfielder Maurice Edu, Jeff Cunningham, 2003 golden boot winner Carlos Ruiz, former New Castle winger Laurent Robert, and of course Alecko Eskandarian. TFC's current roster includes: forward Chad Barrett, former Milwall and Preston North End striker Danny Dichio, defender Marvell Wynne, Dewayne De Rosario. and English winger Rohan Ricketts.

The Game
Should be a good turnout Saturday night, weather permitting, being ladies night and all. The past few TFC matches I've attended the visiting fans haven't been too large a group. Look for United to continue it's dominance of Toronto and remain atop the Eastern Conference. Goals from Simms, Gomez, and two from Emilio.

Prediction: DCU 4 - TFC 0

06 May 2009

spend a semester in detroit...what could possibly go wrong?

The stars certainly aligned on this one. If I were to make a list of the top 5 things I love in life, the University of Michigan, Detroit, and street walking disease infested crack head (preferably post-op) tranny (but I'll settle for pre-op if they have soft hands) hookers would certainly be on it. Who knew U of M was catering solely to me with one of their latest course offerings?
Synthesized under the guidance of Professor Stephen Ward, who teaches in the Residential College and Center for Afro-American and African Studies, Semester in Detroit began developing during his course, “Urban and Community Studies.” The University of Michigan had recently begun a Semester in Washington program, adding to a number of off-site University programs which made students ask, “Why not have a Semester in Detroit?”
Keep this in mind - you can pretty much fucking see Detroit from Ann Arbor. It's 40 miles due East. It should come as no surprise that the same University that offers - English 317: How to be Gay: Male Homosexuality and Initiation (I'll wait while you read that course description) offers a semester in Detroit. What an interesting question though: Why not have a Semester in Detroit? Oh....I can think of a few reasons, starting with the fact that you could confuse Detroit with downtown Beiruit...but I think the opening sentence in the Detroit Free Press column on the new course sums it up best:
As it turns out, the gap between a 20-year-old art student from the suburbs and the five women who sold sex on Detroit's streets was no wider than the heavy wooden table between them.
I can only hope that this means the whores convinced her to leave school and start turning tricks. Honestly, I can only imagine with the current auto industry turmoil there isn't a heavy influx of working girls heading to d-town. If there's one thing that city needs is some fresh street walkers to pick up everyone's spirits. Yet another reason to love U of M: giving back to the community - one trick at a time. Space Bitches....Space.

05 May 2009

know your foe - kansas city wizards

First place United travels to Kansas City to face the Wizards Wednesday night at Community America BallPark for their fifth game in the last two weeks. United (3-1-3) is tied for first place in the Eastern Conference after a 2-1 victory Saturday vs. FC Dallas, while Kansas City (3-3-1) comes off a 1-0 defeat at Toronto FC. Interestingly enough, the game will feature MLS's all-time leading goal and assist leader striker Jaime Moreno vs. goal keeper Kevin Hartman, MLS's alltime leading save and win leader.

One of the ten inaugural MLS teams, the Wiz began play in 1996. Originally know as the Kansas City Wiz, an homage to the Wizard of Oz, they were forced to lengthen the name to the Kansas City Wizards following the 1996 season due to a copyright infringement claim by electronic store the wiz. Originally owned by MLS founder Llamar Hunt, the team was purchased by On Goal LLC in 2006. On Goal, LLC is most notably known for their employee friendly work environment in which they sponsor mock drafts to determine which employee gets to bang the new hot female intern, as well as EO friendly practices of scouring potential employees facebook pages to see if they were hot enough to be hired.

Originally, the Wizards played their home matches at Arrowhead Stadium until 2007 when they announced they would begin playing at Community America Ballpark. The 10,000 seat ballpark is home to minor league baseball's KC T-Bones, and is most notably know for being the site that 1,683 guitar players simultaneously played Deep Purple's Smoke on the Water. Seriously? Deep Purple? Regardless, The Wizards plan to move to their own stadium - HillCrest Road in 2011.

Nickname & Mascot
Begging the question, why the fuck would you name your mascot after another MLS team, the Wizards mascot is some child touching lizard name Dynamo. He's available for your next corporate event, gas station opening, or bar mitzvah I'm certain. The Wizards are known as the Wiz, and also as the Swope Park Rangers, after their training grounds and also as a tribute to the Weston London club - Queens Park Rangers of the Coca Cola Championship League.

Jersey & Sponsor
Holy Shit. It's amazing Major League Soccer was able to survive those early years. With kits like this it's a miracle. Thankfully, the Wizards have adopted a more traditional look to their jerseys, sporting blue and white jerseys with yellow trim since 2008. Currently, the Wizards have no presenting partner deal, however rumors of the team be sponsored by Kansas City based Sprint have recently surfaced.

Head to Head Record
United and KC have an even record since 1996, both teams posting a 13-13-5 record, most recently in 2008 United was 1-1 vs. the Wiz. In 2004 United beat the Wizards 3-2 to claim their fourth MLS Cup.

Trophy Case
The Wizards won their only MLS Cup in 2000 while still a member of the Western Conference. In 2004 the Wizards would once again reach MLS Cup only to lose to DC United 3-2. They added a US Open Cup trophy in 2004 defeating the Chicago Fire 1-0 at Arrowhead Stadium.

The Wizards are coached by former DCU defender, and assistant coach Curt Onalfo. Onalfo managed to steal a championship in 1999 with United while only appearing in four games for the black and red. The Wizards have made the playoffs both years since Onalfo took over in 2007, notably posting a 2-2-1 record vs. United in regular season play.

Supporters Groups
The Wizards have a few supporters groups including the Cauldron, singing songs my son could have written:

Kansas City no one can beat us
We drink beer and wear Adidas
Anywhere we get the itch
We're off to find a proper pitch
Lace our sambas, get on out
Off we go to kick it about
Win or lose were havin fun
We won't quit until we're done
We got heart when we play
Take you on anyday
Kristen Dunst had better written cheers in Bring It On. (It's already been brought-EN) However, most impressive is the team's Starting XI girls, although I'm pretty certain I counted at least fourteen of them.

Seriously, is there a team Alexi Lalas hasn't ruined played for? Notable former players for the Wiz include; Alexi Lalas, Tony Meola, current Cardiff City Striker Eddie Johnson, Preki, Chivas USA midfielder Sasha Victorine, & Mo Johnston. The current squad includes; designated player Claudio López, Herculez Gomez, Jack Jewsbury, pimp-daddy Jimmy Conrad, Josh Wolff, and GK Kevin Hartman.

The Game
United is on a roll lately. Undefeated in their last four matches; however, Benny, Fred, and Burch are not making the trip. Look for United's winning ways to continue in Kansas City. Gomez gets out of his drought to net one, Santino adds another one, with Namoff on the assist.

Prediction: DCU 2 - KC Wizards 1

03 May 2009

captain caveman turns 32

Happy Birthday to the heart and soul of the black and red Benny Olsen. Here's a look at his top 5 performances:

#5 - 2007 Copa Sudamericana round of 16
After a poor clearance by Chivas, Benny strikes from distance to put United up 1-0. United went on to win the match 2-1.

#4 - Stoppage Time Equalizer
Benny's first goal since 2007 after sitting out all but 20 minutes of the 2008 season. An injury time header to earn a draw against the Revs.

#3 - Benny's Back
Anyone who was at this match remembers the crowd going absolutely ape shit when Benny came on for Moreno in the second half

#2 - Benny owns the RebBulls
Olsen nets his first career hat trick in United's 4-2 victory June 10, 2007. Benny's third and final goal is epic.

#1 - 1999 MLS Cup
United faced LA galaxy on the horrible pitch of Foxborough Stadium in their fourth straight MLS Cup final. United went on to win their third MLS Cup and Olsen was named Man of the Match & MLS Cup MVP.