21 July 2009

sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here - part deux

Don't be pessimistic, it's not your style. Okay, here I go: Clearly, a mistake. I've got this, what - ailment? My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time, he says that in fifty or sixty percent of the cases, a pill really helps. I *hate* pills, very dangerous thing, pills. Hate. I'm using the word "hate" here, about pills. Hate. My compliment is, that night when you came over and told me that you would never... well, you were there, you know what you said. Well, my compliment to you is, the next morning, I started taking the pills.
If you didn't read the saga that was round one, you should probably read it first and get up to speed. Here's another chat between myself and Celluloid Hero recapping round two from a few nights later:

10:09 AM
Rob Gordon: dude - you ready for round 2?
Celluloid hero: lay it on me. Morrissey tracks are officially on the list
downloading the entire Smiths discography as we speak.
Rob Gordon: you off today?
Celluloid hero: no, I set it up before I left the house.
Rob Gordon: gotcha
Celluloid hero: one sec before you tell the story
Rob Gordon: word
Celluloid hero: ok, I’m all set.
10:15 AM
Rob Gordon: ok - first, and seriously - when you met her at Grevey's she seemed normal right?
Celluloid hero: for the most part. as she got hammered I could smell the crazy.
Rob Gordon: haha-but it wasn't like an overwhelming crazy, more like a hint of crazy?
Celluloid hero: I'd say a decent amount. like a cup of crazy. more than a tea spoon.
Rob Gordon: L-O-L, now that's comedy
so I call her last night around 8:30, fully expecting to get the blow off again
she actually answers, we talk for like two hours, she tells me she doesn't remember going to carpool on Mon night
tells me I shouldn't let her drink wine because it makes her black out
but at the same time what do you think she was doing as we were talking? drinking wine of course
Celluloid hero: wow, certified psychopath-hot!
10:21 AM
Rob Gordon: yeah, so then I said something along the lines of I was shocked she answered the phone, etc... at this point she seems to the casual observer as a completely sane individual
she apologized, blah blah
then she asks me why we aren't having the conversation in person
tells me to come over, it's like 1030 at this point<>Celluloid hero: flames shooting out the back=baaaad ass
Rob Gordon: I know right - some people think it's from a fuel leak -that shits intentional
Celluloid hero: I’m listening to Morrissey as you tell this tale of tales.
Rob Gordon: trying to think of which song would be most fitting for this story...probably - pretty girls make graves? because I'm pretty sure she'll try to kill me at some point
so get to her condo - didn't notice on Monday but she lives right across the street from where Deanna Favre works - like you can see her building from her condo
10:26 AM
Celluloid hero: so right near Big Buns and the Westin. nice.
Rob Gordon: yup same street
so she comes down to let me in and take her dog out wearing pajamas
I hadn't had anything to drink and she had a head start so I said I thought we were going to grab a drink, she's like yeah I'll get changed
so we go to her apartment where she proceeds to put on jeans, but still a pajama top
- no bra
that'll be important later in the evening
Celluloid hero: ok, haha
Rob Gordon: so she seriously has no recollection of going to car pool on Monday night
Celluloid hero: stay classy, Arlington
Rob Gordon: so I fill her in a little bit
I know right - hair all jacked up - whatevs
I leave out a lot of the story from Monday - but cover her laying on the sidewalk, etc...
no mention of the spitting on the floor and rambling
then she asks me if I remember her falling in the bath tub on Monday night
wait one...
Celluloid hero: omg
8 minutes
10:39 AM
Rob Gordon: ok
Celluloid hero: and we're back!
Rob Gordon: so then she tells me that while I passed out on the sofa for a few minutes on Monday night somehow she fell in the bathtub and has a huge scar on her back - which she shows me and it's literally 4" long
Celluloid hero: oh wow and you didn’t hear any of this?
Rob Gordon: so we're walking into the mall - and she was like - remind me to stop by CVS before we go home
no - didn't hear any of it
Celluloid hero: CVS always makes me laugh with this broad
Rob Gordon: has to pick up her prescription
I know right - I thought of you when she said it
then I jizzed in my pants
I thought the CVS in the mall was open 24 hours - but clearly not since it's in the mall
apparently she hasn't had her prescription for like a week
I can only hope it's some miracle drug that will get her shit together
so we head into union jacks and for a bar that's trying to be a british pub - the dj is playing techno and dance music
I'm not 100% certain - but I saw a broad that I thought for a second was the tranny -probably not - but I think she lives over that way now
so we grab some beers and we start dancing
Celluloid hero: you are a dancing fool with this broad
Rob Gordon: had no choice - not my thing - but whatever
didn't notice at first because she had her back to me grinding her "black ass" on me
but every time she'd bend over dancing - her titties were popping out of her pajama top
Celluloid hero: nice! haha
10:46 AM
Rob Gordon: yeah -definitely attracted some attention
some dude came over and I'm not sure what was said but she started talking shit to him, he looked up at me and I had this clueless look on my face so thankfully he just walked
she was yelling "fuck you" in his direction for like a good 2 or three minutes
then the crazy starts to really set in
she starts saying she wants to leave, then she wants to stay, then she wants to leave, etc...
so I ask if everything is ok - and the line of the evening "welcome to my shitty life"
she probably said that - no exaggeration 25 times through out the night
Celluloid hero: so did daddy touch her? does she need to be in a 12 step program?
surprised she hasn’t started stripping yet
Rob Gordon: I don't know man, something seriously not good
I'm thinking of calling a mutual friend of ours to discuss, we'll get to that
so we probably had three beers each and she's going from happy to sad, to fuck my life, and telling me that I shouldn't want to be a part of her life, blah blah
so I suggest we swing by CVS and walk home
it's maybe 12:30 at this time
walk towards CVS and of course it's closed
she literally starts to cry
I'm like- it's ok, it's no big deal you can get it in the morning
then she says she hungry - and what's right by CVS that's still open at 12:30 at night
fucking Baileys
10:52 AM
Celluloid hero: oh god, that place smells like fermented ass.
Rob Gordon: indeed it does
so we go into baileys, I'm holding her hand trying to hold her up, steer her in - she almost walks right into the wall instead of the open doors
what makes this the worst - I'd only had three beers, probably a lot easier to handle if I had a nice buzz going
so we sit down get some menus - she can't figure out how to read hers
so I ordered chips and salsa and a quesadilla
he brings us two beers and the chips and salsa
I can't even describe this and do it justice - she fucking attacked the chips and salsa like it was her last meal
I maybe got one chip
so I ask if she'll be alright by herself if I go to the bathroom - she says ok
Celluloid hero: oh god
Rob Gordon: I come back from the loo and she has her feet up on another bar stool - sandals probably 10 feet away
and there are chips and salsa all over the floor,
all over her
fucking everywhere
Celluloid hero: L-O-L
Rob Gordon: should have snapped a pic - not sure what I was thinking
so the other ten or so people at the bar are trying not to stare-
probably what it was like when I tried to bang the tranny on the same bar
out comes the quesadilla
similar results with that
I mean when Rob Gordon Jr. was still one or two he made less of a mess
she grabbed two huge sections of the thing tries to jam it in the sour cream - can't figure it out gives up and starts eating, shit dripping all over her
I'd finished my beer and asked the bartender for another
first time this has ever been said to me - "you can have another, but she definitely can't"
he brings me another, and replaces hers with a water
which of course did not go over well
Celluloid hero: did this summon the rage?
11:00 AM
Rob Gordon: indeed it did
"welcome to my shitty life"
Celluloid hero: you really need to get the new iPhone 3G S so you can catch all this on video
Rob Gordon: it must be what it feels like to dine with a crack addicted vagrant
so I ask for the check and chug my beer - never have I gotten a check quicker in my life
so we leave, get outside
five minute walk tops to her place
she's not doing well
actually get a cab this time
ask the cabbie if he takes a credit card, he says no, I'm like no worries, thanks anyway don't have any cash
she insists she has cash-I asked her at least three times if she has cash
get to her place - cab fare $4.88, she opens her purse and has $1
if I have to find an ATM and get cash it's going to be a while
I'm apologizing to the cab driver, I'm like dude I'm sorry - remember my face - next time $100 tip
at this point she's rambling and he just wants us out so he's like alright cool
get into her place and this is where it stops being funny
Celluloid hero: well funny for me at least haha
Rob Gordon: a little bit
part of this is actually really disgusting
fuck it - I'll tell you
so she comes out of the bathroom lies down in bed - I come out of the bathroom, she's taking her panties off, she's completely wasted - I'm not, she's passing out - I lay down in bed with her, she has her head on my chest, but every two minutes or so, she turns her head and starts spitting on the floor
I'm like what the shit?
Celluloid hero: jesus christ
Rob Gordon: this part is seriously fucking disturbing
I look down and she has her hand between her legs, and at first I'm like - is this broad seriously going to sub-consciously rub one out right here?
few more minutes, few more spits on the floor
I look down and she's pulling out a bloody tampon
Celluloid hero: hahahaha
Rob Gordon: this morning she wakes me up at like 5 or so, and she's a completely normal person again
Celluloid hero: how does this broad stay gainfully employed?
Rob Gordon: she has a good job too....
works from home
honestly this story doesn't even do justice to the crazy behavior
it has to be the booze man, seriously we talked for like an hour this morning she was completely normal
Celluloid hero: very strange
Rob Gordon: yeah - dude, I'm thinking the spitting is a side affect of some prescription she's on?
Celluloid hero: might be
so did you tell her she needs to basically stop drinking?
5 minutes
11:27 AM
Rob Gordon: no - I don't know how to play this one
like-no bull shit- I'm seriously worried about her
Celluloid hero: I know, we like to bullshit and make fun of most of these girls...but wow this girl needs some help. you know her family at all? or maybe some of the people you used to work with?
oh shit! you could get her on that Intervention show on A&E!
Rob Gordon: we have some mutual friends, I was thinking of asking but not sure how well they know each other anymore
it'd get seriously awkward if I asked her and she said no - I think she's fine and then turned around and told her I was asking if I thought she was crazy
Celluloid hero: well after this weekend I'd say you check her into Betty Ford. but first, the gangster pool party haha
41 minutes
12:16 PM
Rob Gordon: oh for real - your ass is coming to the pool party - need a second opinion
Celluloid hero: we'll drive separately though. so I can bail at anytime haha
Rob Gordon: fair enough
Celluloid hero: plus I don’t need to mess up your game
Rob Gordon: if she gets to the black out stage - I don't think much could fuck up my game
Celluloid hero: I just cant wait to watch Purple Rain sans pants in HD tomorrow
Rob Gordon: you taking tomorrow or Monday for the fourth?
Celluloid hero: govt is off tomorrow. that means the office has no armed guards and is closed. which means my black ass is off!
12:20 PM


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