I briefly considered submitting this to the foggy monocle but decided to post it here instead. A story from a few weeks ago as recounted the morning after with Celluloid Hero. The following is completely true, the names and places have been changed to protect the crazy...I mean innocent, check back for round two later this week:
Celluloid hero: so what’s the haps?
Rob Gordon: holy shi-ite
first....under no circumstance does this end up on the foggy monocle
because I guarantee this has never happened to anyone else
Celluloid hero: ok
Rob Gordon: so we met up at car pool around 430, she'd been drinking wine already - she took a half day
so we're catching up...she literally lives with in a 5 minute stumble of the mall
good fucking thing too, because she got a DUI in September
had to do 5 days in jail
and get an ignition breathalyzer installed
Celluloid hero: women in prison=hot
Rob Gordon: exactly...
so she proceeds to tell me how she was in general pop
to quote her "the only reason they didn't fuck with me was because I have a black ass"
Celluloid hero: I may need a mountain dew for this portion
Rob Gordon: yeah...strap in...let me know when you're ready
Celluloid hero: continue to type...I'll catch up
Rob Gordon: if this conversation were the titanic....we haven't even approached the tip of the iceburg
on a side note....last night may have been the first time in my life I was the voice of reason
so then she proceeds to tell me how she couldn't get her anti-depression meds while she was in jail....so she called her doctor and they were able to give her one of the pills...but not all of them
Apparently she's on an anti-depression cocktail that makes the number of pills they give aids patients look like childs play
then we talk about her condo...etc.......
then she tells me that she and I should buy a boat
Celluloid hero: ok....
Rob Gordon: she says think of all the hot chicks you could attract with a boat....and I told her I'd split a boat with her but only if I got to name it
to which she said I could name it anything I wanted as long as it didn't have "cunt" in the name
Celluloid hero: I love that word
Rob Gordon: anyways...so she goes back to the hot chick I could get with a boat and then says...unless of course you'd rather have me
Celluloid hero: oh wow
Rob Gordon: yeah....then she starts to stroke my ego...telling me how handsome I am and how great a guy I am....all true of course
Celluloid hero: riiiiiiiiiight
Rob Gordon: so I said something gay alluding to the fact that I'd rather have her....had to wash the cock out of my mouth afterwards
then she tells me we should go on vacation in two weeks to the bahamas
Celluloid hero: rekindle that flame from the Jamaica trip
Rob Gordon: she literally grabs my phone and starts going through my outlook calendar to see if I can go or not
Celluloid hero: please tell me you changed her name in the contacts
Rob Gordon: indeed I did....
that would not have gone over well if I hadn't
so....I may be going to the bahamas in a few weeks...we'll see
Then...she starts to tell me about her therapist
and tells me that she wants me to go talk to him - because I have anger issues....and that if we were going to be together I needed to go see him at least once
Celluloid hero: whoa..."be together"?! L-O-L
Rob Gordon: yeah....
trust me that's only a minor highlight from the evening
so I'm thinking...I came here for one thing...and it wasn't to buy a boat or go to therapy
anyways....then she tells me about her church that she goes to...and how great the band is there
how it's all young people and how she wants me to go with her
how it would be good for me
Celluloid hero: W-T-F
Rob Gordon: yeah....so then she lays it out...if I want to be with her I have to go to her therapist once...and church once
Celluloid hero: wow, you take the day off today? haha
Rob Gordon: haha...I need some therapy now
so of course you know I told her I was into her..which I am...and that I'd consider it
to which she comes over sits on my lap and starts making out with me.....then starts to tell me about all the slutty outfits she'll wear if I go to see her therapist and if I go to church
so clearly....going to church on Sunday
so then it starts to get even realer
it's probably 8 or 9 at this point
we leave car pool and decide to go to rock bottom for a drink before heading to her place
so we're talking on the way over and I mention that I saw her friend Simone at rockbottom when they opened...and she says oh....I couldn't make it that night it was all of her friends but her....including this girl Mary-Kate that went to Jamaica with us
I ask how Mary-Kate is doing and find out she works WHERE? At Endeavor with Ashleigh
Celluloid hero: oh shit
Rob Gordon: yeah - I left it at that...didn't want to find out any more info on that
so we're sitting outside at rockbottom and her depression meds must have worn off
I light up a cig and she tells me "if we're going to be together, you can't die of lung cancer" and takes my cigs and lighter and throws them into the street
Celluloid hero: i would have paid to have seen the look on your face
Rob Gordon: they were the camel lights I bought on accident so I wasn't too broken up about it....
did you see the pic I sent you?
Celluloid hero: yeah for some reason g-mail was fucked up my phone last night...i did see it this morning. wow.
Rob Gordon: this is a little before that pic was taken
she starts rambling all sorts of nonsensical shit....
I couldn't even tell you what it was...but she manages to ask me to go get her a miller lite
so the bartender who was also our waiter is like no problem I'll bring it out in a min
wait one...have to run upstairs..
Celluloid hero: dude, really
Rob Gordon: ok
so I come back outside and amy winehouse is gone
so I figure she went to the bathroom....
the bartender comes out and says - "your girl is sitting on a stool ranting, and spitting on the floor"
Celluloid hero: oh I thought she would end up behind CVS looking for a fix
Rob Gordon: haha
so she finally comes back with out her purse
to which she doesn't out right accuse me of taking- but she eluded to it
so i told her she probably left it in the women’s room
so I head that direction and ask a girl - who was smoking hot - to check for a purse which she finds and brings to me
so I go back outside and that's where the picture came from...she sitting there with her head down spitting on the floor and pulling on her own hair
Celluloid hero: yeah I was gonna ask about the self hair pulling but i figured it would build to this point.
Rob Gordon: indeed
that's when I texted you....needed some back up
Celluloid hero: did you like my response? haha
Rob Gordon: yeah - i know how Jefferson Steercock felt on Saturday
Celluloid hero: plus i got a text from Selena saying that I should come hang out and that Miley was there ;-)
Rob Gordon: did you just insert a smiley face?
Celluloid hero: it was a winky face
just as gay
Rob Gordon: jesus....wait till your old man hears about that
Celluloid hero: I’m glad I didnt tell him about taking a bath in Vegas while reading OK magazine
he might slap the gay demon out of me
Rob Gordon: ok - so she sees I have the purse and she like attacks me starts making out with me hardcore...putting her hand up my shorts
Celluloid hero: at the bar?
were you at rio? LOL
Rob Gordon: indeed on the patio
haha...not at rio thank god
so she's like let's go to my place and of course I'm all in
Celluloid hero: like Doyle Brunson and shit
Rob Gordon: she goes to the women's room with no purse...and your boy is out in the street retrieving his cigs and lighter
so pay the check we hop the railing and are walking towards the corner where the parking garage is...she can barely walk...in an attempt to look like a total rapist I offer a piggy back ride
nothing looks cooler than a semi-conscious broad getting a piggy back ride from a dude with a hard on
Celluloid hero: oh wow
Rob Gordon: but she refused...so I'm trying to get a cab and none are stopping
I turn around and she's laying on the sidewalk
Celluloid hero: so did you become an exhibitionist?
Rob Gordon: L-O-L
that would have been an idea
so I reach over the railing and grab a chair and sit her in it...she's telling me how sweet I am...and how happy we're going to be
then she decides she can walk...so we stumble the few blocks to her condo
stoping to make out of course....too bad it wasn't raining....
Celluloid hero: or on a BMW
Rob Gordon: exactly....or a black mercedes with a breathalyzer ignition.....get back to her place...I sit on the couch she
goes into the bedroom and comes out in a bra and sweat pants
Celluloid hero: different...but i can dig.
Rob Gordon: then she puts on the country music channel on cable and asks me to dance with her....I'm like what the shit?
so of course I end up dancing with her....and eventually we end up naked so I try to lead her into her bedroom...to which she is completely against....and says something along the lines that "If I want to fuck her I had to on the couch"
Celluloid hero: what?
Rob Gordon: it was a sectional and the angles were a bit difficult.....
Celluloid hero: is her bed some sanctuary?
Rob Gordon: no idea?
Celluloid hero: this broad is a hot mess. how is she amongst the living?
i've always wanted a sectional.
Rob Gordon: so we go at it on the couch for a while and I'm seriously like standing on one leg....kneeling...all kinds of crazy shit...sectionals are not designed with coitus in mind
so again I attempt to move to the bedroom to which she refuses again
so we go at it....spoon for a while....I must have nodded off for a minute..it's around 12:30 or so and she's lying on the floor singing some country song
so I ask her if we can go to bed
she gets up goes into her bedroom I follow she grabs a pillow and blanket and leads me right back to the sofa
doesn't say shit and then goes back to her bedroom
so I'm sitting on the sofa trying to piece together what the fuck just happened
Celluloid hero: WTF? you just banged. but you cant sleep in the same bed?
Rob Gordon: exactly...what the shit is that?
she comes out of the bedroom as I'm sitting there and is like...you have to come over on the 4th...I'm having a party at my rooftop pool
and then we can go to church on sunday
Celluloid hero: buhahahaha
Rob Gordon: I was like ok
she disappears and closes the door to her bedroom
Celluloid hero: so does she have more friends with daddy issues for your boy?
Rob Gordon: dude...you are so fucking coming to that party on Saturday
so I sat on the couch for a few minutes waited till I though she was asleep and rolled the fuck out
Celluloid hero: I’m already there. even if you didn’t invite me, i would’ve scaled some walls and shit.
Rob Gordon: haha....it's gonna be on
so I texted her as I was leaving - "I had fun, see you soon I hope"
because with her MO she'll ignore me for the next four months now
Celluloid hero: this is true. but don’t worry, you hand the phone over and let my get my T.S. Elliot on.
Rob Gordon: dude...I've always been into crazy....she takes it to an entirely new level....
Celluloid hero: apparently
Rob Gordon: pretty sure she's going down that road again....texted her again when I got to work that we should do dinner tonight...no reply at all
Celluloid hero: hmm
you may have to take the real to the next level...maybe even be nice. haha
Rob Gordon: dude...I was completely nice....like wanted to kick my own ass nice....didn't try to bang her on top of the bar at the restaurant or anything
Celluloid hero: I know that...I’m just saying you may need to continue that...this week at least so we can attend the gangster Independence pool party.
Rob Gordon: oh - it'll continue...trust me....
I dig crazy man...I dig it
Celluloid hero: word
that was entertaining
and the fact that I just got paid to read it makes it even more enjoyable.
I’m sending this to Jefferson Steercock - haha
Rob Gordon: go ahead..no worries
oh - we had a dude die in the hotel yesterday
Celluloid hero: that’s nuts
Rob Gordon: yeah - heart attack...he was in the room reading the paper, wife came back from work about 5pm found him there....coroner said he died like 2pm or so
Celluloid hero: damn, that sucks
Rob Gordon: thank god it didn't happen on my MOD shift...between crashing the hotel van and a dude dying I'd never hear the end of it
Celluloid hero: so Miley said you were pretty funny
Rob Gordon: oh did she?
Celluloid hero: and even called you “the Rob Gordon”
Rob Gordon: did she say "your friend the 8, made me laugh"
Celluloid hero: then we all laughed about the stonewashed jeans
Rob Gordon: haha...I forgot about that
did I call her out about those to her face...or behind her back?
Celluloid hero: both
Rob Gordon: L-O-L
Celluloid hero: it was definitely an experience.
Rob Gordon: Amy Winehouse better respond to me today...she was seriously kissing my ass telling me how great I was yesterday and how much she wanted to be with me....it'd be great if I could start banging that out on the reg
Celluloid hero: that would be nice. how was her "black ass"? haha
Rob Gordon: i spent some quality time with it...
so on a scale of 1-10 how crazy would you say she is?
Celluloid hero: I'd say 8 or 9.
Rob Gordon: hot...huh?
Celluloid hero: think you may have opened pandora's box here
Rob Gordon: I feel like Vince Vaughn in wedding crashers...when he's talking to the priest....maybe we're all a little crazy....haha
Celluloid hero: so do you think she had a kid in the bedroom?
Rob Gordon: haha....no
I looked in...everything appeared to be above board
she did ask me if I ever thought about having another kid
and she didn't insist on using a condom either
Celluloid hero: so how does she feel about having Full Blown Aids now? jk hahaha
Rob Gordon: L-O-L....I forgot my pamphlets...
Celluloid hero: I drank too much hofbrau last night
Rob Gordon: where'd you get that?
Celluloid hero: at Eat Bar
Rob Gordon: oh shit...where is that joint?
Celluloid hero: wash blvd...right before clarendon
Rob Gordon: your boy was sleeping in the miracle whip in the employee parking lot this morning
Celluloid hero: just like Dino would have done
Rob Gordon: exactly....chain smoking like him too
with my half crushed cigs
so what's the move here? texted her at 930 about going out tonight....no reply
is it time to make the call?
Celluloid hero: think it might. she may be passed out in bed.
Rob Gordon: yeah....think I'll call at one...I used to wait until noon to call...then it became industry standard....I think calling at 1 is a little bit money
Celluloid hero: true
man, i need to start going sleeper cell in a new stable.
Rob Gordon: haha....I thought you were going to hani hanjour Anne Frank and her mans and them
Celluloid hero: thats still in the works. Cypress Hill is out of town this week. Should be a go next week.
well looky here, Miley added Me on Facebook.
Rob Gordon: oh did she.....
you just have to figure out a way to break her and iceman up
Celluloid hero: goose is all up in it
Rob Gordon: that’s just wrong
Celluloid hero: dude! there was this chick at Guapos last night. had the most amazing ass I have ever seen. she works there and is russian. blonde.
Rob Gordon: jesus- you do the Shirlington bar tour last night?
Celluloid hero: well I was at Eat Bar. then Selena said that she was at Guapos. Iwasn’t gonna go then she added "Miley was with Me"...fishtailed out of the parking lot and met them over there.
Rob Gordon: haha....did you fill the Mr. Fusion?
Celluloid hero: huh?
Rob Gordon: the Mr. Fusion from back to the future II
instead of plutonium? come on man
Celluloid hero: its all coming back now
Rob Gordon: alright...I'm gonna go call Amy Winehouse....what do you think the odds she picks up are?
Celluloid hero: 7-1
Rob Gordon: really? that much of a long shot?
Celluloid hero: I just think she would have responded
Rob Gordon: alright....we'll see
Celluloid hero: prove me wrong
the hair pulling thing would have been much better if you had the 3GS iPhone.....video, my ninja
Rob Gordon: I know right....you're the big winner...didn't get the side button though so I guess it could have been worse
Rob Gordon: dude...it's fucking deja vu all over again
Celluloid hero: no response
Rob Gordon: yeah....not cool
should I tell her I want to sex that sweet ass?
Celluloid hero: haha
Rob Gordon: clearly logic does not apply to this chick
I even brought up the fact that she did this to her last night before she went completely over the edge
Celluloid hero: hmm
Rob Gordon: don't take offense at this...but if only we mutually knew some one crazy who could shed some light on the situation.....hmmmmm.....no one comes to mind immediately....hmmmmmm
Celluloid hero: how about no
Rob Gordon: really? no?
Celluloid hero: you saw this coming...she does it every time
she was drunk, wanted a fuck and now she feels bad. no offense to you. just the way this shit works.
Rob Gordon: we were supposed to buy a boat!!! WWWWHHHYYYYY?
Celluloid hero: L-O-L
maybe let it marinate until thurs
Rob Gordon: fair enough.....have to be at the pool party
Celluloid hero: yeah that’s the important thing
Rob Gordon: the lines of communication are back open
Celluloid hero: oh snap. do tell.
Rob Gordon: just received a text....
Celluloid hero: standing by
Celluloid hero: dont leave me hanging, goose!
Rob Gordon: unfulfilling
we'll see how it plays out
have to be at the gangster pool party
Celluloid hero: so what’s the deal? did she drop that knowledge on you? said she was talking to her sponsor on a conference call?
Rob Gordon: haha...no she said "sorry can't tonight, dinner with a client"
then I dropped some gossip of note on her.....
our mutual friend Rich is getting married in Sept
Celluloid hero: good move, making it not all "business". well played.
Rob Gordon: haha....
Celluloid hero: stop with the dot dot dot, man!
Rob Gordon: that's my move right there dot dot dot
not sure how I started it but I do it in everything now, emails, texts, reports, etc...
I'm known for it now
Celluloid hero: so how do you think the text/call went? at least you got contact back.
Rob Gordon: ehh - like I said earlier, you can't apply common sense or reasoning to crazy broads so who the fuck knows
I'll give her a call Thursday, and if it's the same old same old - just revert back to TS Elliot on the late night texts
that much you can count on
Celluloid hero: I’m like a black AMEX - never lets you down.
Rob Gordon: I prefer the term African American Express
but you do have a pretty good batting average
approaching hall of famer status
Celluloid hero: yeah Memorial day weekend I knew I had to throw a knuckle-curve. she kept on hitting my high heat.
Rob Gordon: haha, you should start juicing then you'd be unstoppable
Celluloid hero: "everyone wants a piece of my shit"---kenny powers said that.
Rob Gordon: you'd get popped in a piss test and have to admit the human growth hormone helps your sms abilities
and....got a whole new batch of high school broads checking in today
Celluloid hero: very nice