31 August 2009

mozzer monday - you're the one for me fatty

First, about the song. It may have been an attempt to disgust Jefferson Steercock, but there is no doubt that Morrissey is saying fat girls can get some too. The inspiration came from one of the Mozzer's favorite comedians, Victoria Wood, and her declaration of love for her over weight husband Geoffrey Durham. Strangely enough, Mozzer's record label took out a full page ad in the NME promoting the single and in the same issue on the very next page a review of the song, written anonymously, suggesting that Morrissey was a one-trick pony appeared: "If he's clever, he could do a Quentin Crisp and get a gimmick, like refusing to wash his cutlery or his groin for a decade." Side note, the brits are on a whole other level of insults. Is refuse to wash your cutlery the equivalent of your momma's so fat? Regardless, a spokesman for Morrissey later said, "They took the money, and even then the rubbished him. How shameless can you get?" Bollocks.
Now on to more important matters. Where to begin on this one? I'll start with a random thought, completely random. If you think that Rod Stewart and Michael Bublé are better than Elvis you'd better look like a perfect 10 model or hope that I get put in time out. I have to admit I didn't really know who this Michael Bublé was until the next day when I googled him, and that only added to my rage. It's safe to say that my man Steven Patrick Morrissey has more musical talent in his perfectly coifed hair than that economy Frank Sinatra wanna be tosser Canadian fuck stick. I digress. Never has the choice for Mozzer Monday been clearer than today. Perhaps it's her insatiable appetite for Wendy's late night menu, challenging my boys to the quad whopper challenge during bathing suit season, the fact that she lists 'eating' as one of her interests on her facebook page, possibly the fact that she's so sexually enlightened, maybe it's her giant rack, could be anything. I dig it. Here's to you:

unleash the namoff - goal of the week

United managed to win their first league match in over a month thanks to a spectacular header by Bryan Namoff. Look for it below at about the 30 second mark, and then bring your sweet wendy's late night menu craving ass over here and give him the nod for goal of the week honors won't you?

28 August 2009

phil friday - tonight, tonight, tonight

Recently, my obsession with Morrissey and my never ending search for deleted Smiths singles has left 'going down like a monkey' devoid of all phil related content. After all, this wonderful collection of top 5 lists, dick and fart jokes, and mind blowing revelations is named after a line from this 8 minute and 50 second masterpiece known as tonight, tonight, tonight. By far the greatest song about scoring coke ever written:

24 August 2009

mozzer monday - bigmouth strikes again

The guitar rift from Bigmouth Strikes Again was formulated by Johnny Marr while doing sound checks during the Meat is Murder Tour. He would later say that he had set out to write the equivalent of the 'Rolling Stones' Jumping Jack Flash saying, "I wanted something that was a rush all the way through, withour a distinct middle eight as such. I thought the guitar breaks should be percussive, not too pretty or chordal."

The vocals are essentially the Mozzer lashing out at his critics asserting himself as a musical martyr. When asked by the NME later that year if there was anything he regretted saying, he said, "I can't think of one sentence...we're still at the stage where if I rescued a kitten from drowning they'd say, "Morrissey Mauls Kitten's Body." So what can you do?" Legend has it that the line 'As the flames rose to her roman nose and her Walkman started to melt' was inspired by a sketch on The Kenny Everett Television Showin which the comedian listens to his headphones while being burned at the stake. The backing vocals on the chorus are actually Morrissey's voice played through a harmonizer to achieve the 'chipmunk' effect, credited on the album to Ann Coates - an homage to the Ancoats district of Manchester where the smiths were formed.

17 August 2009

mozzer monday - one day goodbye will be farewell

You've got three minutes to live. Tell us what it is that you're actually and endlessly trying to convey to us.
"If I've got just three minutes... I'll say something that you won't accept... but which I want people to believe... oh stop being so boring Morrissey... I want people to know that almost everything that concerns them in their daily lives is of no consequence whatsoever. Nothing and nobody is really important.Oh, this is so negative...nothing is important so people, realising that, should get on with their lives, go mad, take their clothes off, jump in the canal, jump into one of those supermarket trolleys, race 'round the supermarket and steal Mars bars and, y'know, kiss kittens and sit on the back of bread vans. Whatever makes people happy they should just do it, 'cos time is a mere scratch and life is nothing..."
- June 1985 Interview with David Kelly of NME

13 August 2009

a legend passes away

Les Paul
June 9, 1915 – August 13, 2009

10 August 2009

know your foe - mexico

"What stupid people they are! They can do nothing and their continued defeats should convince them of it. They have lost six great battles; we have captured six hundred and eight cannon, nearly one hundred thousand stands of arms, made twenty thousand prisoners, have the greatest portion of their country and are fast advancing on their Capital which must be ours,—yet they refuse to treat [ie negotiate terms]!" - Army Captain Kirby Smith during the Mexican American War

The US Men's National team resumes final round World Cup Qualifying Wednesday when they travel to the dirty-dirty-dirty south to face Mexico in Mexico City. Of the six remaining CONCACAF (Confederation of North, Central American and Caribbean Association Football) teams the US sits in second place (3-1-1, 10 pts) behind Costa Rica (4-0-1, 12 pts). Mexico is in danger of not qualifying for the World Cup for the first time since 1990 when they were disqualified for using over aged players in the 1988 Seoul Olympics. Mexico is currently in fourth place in the final stage (2-0-3, 6 pts) with the top three CONCACAF teams advancing to South Africa in 2010, while the fourth place team will have to play the third place team from the AFC (Asian Football Confederation) for the final spot in the World Cup. Most recently the two sides c-listers faced off in the Gold Cup Final with Mexico winning 5-0. The teams last met for World Cup Qualification in February with the US winning 2-0 in Columbus, OH.

The Federación Mexicana de Fútbol Asociación, A. C. was officially founded in 1927. Although soccer had been popularized by European settlers early in the 1900's the Mexican Revolution disrupted the development of the sport. Since 1930, Mexico has qualified for thirteen World Cups with their best result being quarterfinal appearances in both tournaments they hosted; 1970 (losing 4-1 to Italy) and in 1986 after playing Franz Beckenbauer's West German side to a 0-0 draw they we're knocked out 4-1 on penalties. Overall, in World Cup Competition, Mexico holds a record of 11 wins, 22 loses, and 12 draws with 48 goals for, and 82 against.

The Mexican National Team's home stadium is in the lovely metropolis, and capital city of Mexico - Mexico City. Originally founded by the Aztecs in 1325, Mexico City sits in the Valley of Mexico surrounded by mountains and volcanoes. The Spanish eventually conquered the Aztecs, unleashing a lifetime of Moctezuma's Revenge. Following the Mexican War of Independence, Mexico City would be captured by the United States in the Mexican-American War. Shortly after capturing the city American generals quickly decided they didn't really want it after all, and instead settled on taking present day California, Nevada, and Utah from our southern neighbors. Present day Mexico City, with a population of over 8.7 million, and a greater metropolitan population of nearly 20 million is the most populated city in North America and 10th most populated city in the world. Despite being at an altitude of over 7,000 feet most of Mexico City is surrounded by mvountains. Combine Mexico City's 7.9 million cars and over 50,000 factories with it's natural geography and Mexico City is consistently ranked as one of the world's most polluted cities. In fact there is nearly 25% less oxygen in Mexico City than at sea level. Add in the fact that over a quarter of the cities residents have no access to sewage or running water and I'm sure you'll want to start planning your next vacation.

In addition to being the home grounds of the Mexican National Team, Estadio Azteca is also home to Mexican Primera División side Club América. Construction on the stadium was completed in 1966 in preparation for the Mexican hosted 1970 World Cup. At 7,200 feet above sea level, the stadium has earned a reputation for Mexico's national team as a fortress of results. Mexico's first loss in World Cup qualifying at Estadio Azteca would come some 35 years after opening, a 2-1 defeat against Costa Rica in 2001. With a seating capacity of 105,000 (the third largest stadium in the world) and a signature noise amplifying roof it is one of the loudest places on earth to see a match. It is also the only venue to have hosted two world cup finals (1970 & 1986). In Pele's final international match, Brazil defeated Italy 4-1 in the 1970 World Cup Final. In the 1986 World Cup Quarterfinal between England and tournament champion Argentina, the stadium played host to both Maradona's 'hand of god goal' and the FIFA named 'goal of the century'.

Head to Head Record
The US and Mexico first met in 1934 during a qualifier in Rome, the United States won 4-2. Wednesday's game will be the 57th meeting between the US and Mexico. The US trails the all time series with a lifetime record of 15 wins, 30 losses, and 12 draws. The Americans have never won a match played on Mexican soil - posting a record of 0-22-1, with the lone tie coming in a 1997 match in Mexico City. However, since 1990, the teams have faced off 29 times with the Americans leading the series with a record of 13-8-8. Five of those games have been played in Mexico – all in Mexico City – with the U.S. posting a 0-4-1 record. Two of those games were played at neutral sites, with the U.S. posting a 2-0 win at the 2002 FIFA World Cup in Korea and prevailing 4-1 in penalties after a 0-0 draw at the 1995 Copa America in Uruguay. Landon Donovan leads the US with 10 caps against Mexico, scoring his first goal for the National Team against Mexico in 2000. There is definitely no love lost between these two teams. Whether the classless Mexican fan's are chanting Osama Bin Laden's name in Unison at the American team, booing during the national anthem, or pelting US fans and players with batteries, urine and feces it's sure to be a classy affair!! At least Landon Donovan pissed on a bush at Jalisco Stadium.

Trophy Case
Most recently the Mexicans defeated the United States 5-0 in the 2009 final making it their fifth CONCACAF Gold Cup.(1993, 1996, 1998, 2003, & 2009) Prior to the Gold Cup, Mexico won three CONCACAF championships '65, '71, '77. They also hold three Pan Am Games Gold Medals - 1967, 1975, & 1999; 6 Central American and Caribbean Games Gold Medals - 1935, 1938, 1959, 1962, 1966, 1990. They also claimed the 1999 Fifa Confederation's Cup beating Brazil 4-3 on the hunchback of Bridgeview - Cuauhtémoc Blanco's game winnder in the 62nd minute in front of 110,000 at Estadio Azteca.

Following a 2-1 defeat by the Americans, and one and seven overall record, former Manchester City coach Sven Eriksson was let go as head coach of the Mexican National Team after less than one year. On April 3rd 2009 Javier Aguirre was named manager after leaving Atlético Madrid. During his playing career Aguirre earned 59 caps for Mexico scoring 13 goals as an attacking midfielder. In his press conference shortly after being announced Aguire asked of his players, "May the player who comes, come with pride, with identity, with love for the shirt..." to which his side promptly lost 2-1 against El Salvador in his first return match as head coach. Less than a month later, perhaps hoping to inspire his players, Aguire kicked Panamanian player Ricardo Phillips during a stoppage in play leading to both men being ejected. Although Aguire later apologized to his players, fans, and the media, he kept it straight gangster and offered no such apology to Phillips.

Safe to say this is a must win match for the Mexicans. Aguire has called in all the fire power he can muster in a last ditch effort to qualify for South Africa in 2010. Not in uniform is team captain and FC Barcelona defender Rafael Marquez who was sent off when the US faced Mexico in February and is recovering from injury. At Aguire's disposal will be Chicago Fire Striker Cuauhtémoc Blanco, Arsenal winger Carlos Vela, VfB Stuttgart defender Ricardo Osorio, Tigres defender José Antonio Castro, Cruz Azul midfielder Gerardo Torrado, and Tottenham midfielder Giovani Dos Santos among others.

The Game
A few facts to consider: Of the twelve qualifying matches for South Africa in 2010, Tim Howard and Brad Guzan have posted 8 clean sheets. Goal keeper Tim Howard has appeared five times against Mexico. In addition to having never lost against Mexico, Howard has also recorded two shut outs. Out of Bob Bradley's 18 man roster, only four players have experience playing at Estadio Azteca: Carlos Bocanegra, Gooch, Steve Cherundolo, and Landycakes. Couple that with the fact that Mexico has lost only one time at home in the history of Estadio Azteca, and the Americans have never won on Mexican soil, it's going to be a tough game to get a result from. However, after the embarrassing 5-0 loss at Giant's Stadium last month the US will be looking for revenge.
Prediction - US 1 : Mexico 1

mozzer monday - why don't you find out for yourself

In a 1994 interview with Q Magazine's Stuart Maconie asked Morrissey, "As a lyricist, are you peerless?"
Well, the obvious answer is yes, but as people read these lines they would hate me for saying so, particularly those people who make music and perhaps think they are peerless. But I say it with the maximum concern for the future of pop music and, let's face it, it doesn't really have one. Although I will go home tonight and play music very loudly and get very excited, I rarely hear lyrics sung by others which motivate me in any way. Even the people I quite like are quite silly, really, lyrically.
He's just being Mozzer.

united wins trophies

If you're a footie fan, or if you just pretend to be, bring that sweet ass over to wewintrophies.com. United had a few of their trophies on display for yesterday's match at FedEx Field, but this picture produces more wood than Ron Jeremy. Also worth checking out is United president Kevin Payne's open invitation to the US Open Cup Final. See you September 2nd at RFK when United adds their 13th title.Here's a quick rundown of United's 12 trophies:
1996 MLS Cup Champions
DC United 3 : LA Galaxy 2
1996 U.S. Open Cup Champions
DC United 3 : Rochester Raging Rhinos 0
1997 MLS Supporters' Shield Winners
55 points 21-11 (4 shoot out wins)
1997 MLS Cup Champions
DC United 2 : Colorado Rapids 1
1998 CONCACAF Champions Cup
DC United 1 : Deportivo Toluca F.C. 0
1998 InterAmerican Cup Champions
DC United 2 : CR Vasco da Gama 1 (aggregate)
1999 MLS Supporters' Shield Winners
57 points 23-9 (6 shoot out wins)
1999 MLS Cup Champions
DC United 2 : LA Galaxy 0
2004 MLS Cup Champions
DC United 3 : KC Wizards 2
2006 MLS Supporters' Shield Winners
55 points 15-7-10
2007 MLS Supporters' Shield Winners
55 points 16-7-7
2008 U.S. Open Cup Champions
DC United 2 : Charleston Battery 1

07 August 2009

know your foe - real madrid c.f.

This weekend prepare to get ANNIHILATED as Bass Pro Shops and Wal*Mart proudly present DC United vs. Real Madrid at FedEx Field. Featuring all your favorite players: Cristiano Ronaldo, Raul, Kaka, Emilioooo, Benny Olsen, Christian Gomez. And don't miss the second annual Barbeque Twinkie Cookoff! Tickets are just $55.00 and the first hundred fans through the gates get a free can of Natty Light! Tickets are available at ticketmaster or all Sonny's Barbeque locations through out the metro area. SUNDAY!! SUNDAY!! SUNDAY!! This weekend, be here or be queer!

At the start of 1897, young students at the Institución Libre de Enseñanza formed a sports group they named Football Club Sky. It was the direct precedent of Madrid Football Club. In 1902 Madrid Football Club was officially founded, presided over by board president Juan Padrós. Three years after the clubs founding, in 1905, Madrid FC defeated FC Barcelona 3-1 to win their first of four consecutive Copa del Rey titles. In 1920 the moniker 'Real' (spanish for Royal) was added to the club's name after huge footie fan King Alfonso the 13th granted it to the club. However, when Francisco Franco became dictator of Spain during the second Spanish Civil War the club removed the crown from the logo as well as dropped the 'Real' title being known only as Madrid CF until 1945. Real Madrid is a founding member of La Liga, Spain's top flight league. They are one of three clubs to never have been relegated along with Barcelona, and Athletic Bilbao.

Madrid, Spain is the country's largest city as well as the nation's capital. Real Madrid and their cross town rivals Athletico Madrid are the cities main sporting attractions. Madrid is also home to two basketball teams Real Madrid Baloncesto who've won 30 Spanish League titles, thanks to American Jeremiah Massey (from the D), as well as CB Estudiantes. The city of Madrid has produced a number of internationally renowned footballers including; current Liverpool goal keeper José Manuel Reina, Fernando 'El Nino' Torres, as well as Raúl González & Iker Casillas who were both awarded Lifetime Contracts by Real Madrid. Real Madrid CF have played their home matches at Santiago Bernabéu Stadium since 1947. The stadium has undergone numerous renovations since it's opening, at one point being able to accommodate over 125,000 fans, current capacity is 80,354. Estadia Santiago Bernabéu has also played host to three UEFA Cup Finals and one World Cup Final in 1982.

Nickname & Kit
Real Madrid is known as "los blancos" or 'the whites' given their home color jerseys. The original kits from 1902 featured an all white jersey with MCF (Madrid club de futbol) in royal blue. Ironically, Real Madrid's basketball team is also nicknamed "the whites". The Team's crest has always featured the interlocked letters of MCF and upon receiving the title 'Real" the crown was added. On November 23, 1947, in a game against Atletico Madrid Real Madrid became the first Spanish team to wear numbered shirts. The Spanish FA liked the initiative an decreed in 1948 that every team should have their players numbered in the range between 2 and 11.

Real Madrid was originally sponsored by Zanussian an Italian appliance manufacturer from 1982-1985, Parmalat from 1985-1992, and Teka from 1992-2001. In 2001 they signed a deal with mobile phone giant BenQ Siemens to be their lead sponsor. Following the bankrupcy of BenQ in 2007, bwin.com became presenting sponsor of the club. bwin.com is an online gaming site with spin offs such as pokerroom.com. Along with sponsoring Real Madrid, bwin is also the lead sponsor of AC Milan, Bayern Munich, FC Slovan Liberec (Czech Gambrinus liga), as well as sponsoring Portuguese Liga from 2006-2008.

Head to Head Record
In August of 2006, DC United and Real Madrid played to a 1-1 draw before a sellout crowd of over 66,000 fans at Seattle's Qwest Field. The match, which was part of pre-season friendlies for the La Liga giants, marks the only time the two clubs have faced each other. Real striker Antonio Cassano slipped a ball from Roberto Carlos past, then DC United keeper, Troy Perkins in the 22nd minute. However, none other than Alecko Eskandarian put away a ball from, Freddy 'the biggest little midget in the game' Adu, a mere three minutes later to pull United even. Despite Real Madrid taking advantage of the unlimited subs provided from the friendly match and changing their entire roster at half time, United held of Real Madrid the entire second half to secure the draw.

Trophy Case
Named the best club of the 20th Century by FIFA, Real Madrid has a few trophies laying around. Among their honors are: 31 La Liga titles (most recently in 2007-2008), 17 Copa del Rey titles (comprable to England's FA Cup, most recently in 2007-2008), 8 Supercopa de España titles (most recent 2008), a record 9 UEFA Champions League titles (lastly in 2001-2002), 3 Intercontinental Cups (recently in2002), 2 UEFA Cups (84-85, 85-86), 1 European Super Cup (2002), and 19 now defunct Campeonato Regional Centro titles. They also have 150+ trophies from assorted friendly matches and rivalries.

Despite a 17 game unbeaten streak that saw Real Madrid get 49 points out of a possible 51, Juande Ramos was let go by Real Madrid following a 6-2 defeat away to Barcelona and a four game losing streak to end the 2008-2009 season. Manuel Pellegrini was named manager on June 1, 2009 after Real paid a 4 million euro termination fee to Villareal to acquire his services. Pellegrini played with the Chilean national team as well as spending his entire career with C.F. Universidad Catolica of the Chilean Premier League. He has been a coach in top flight leagues since 1988 spending time heading River Plate, Villareal, as well as returning to Club Deportivo Universidad Católica as manager.

The Italian term "ultra" is commonly translated to the English term "hooligan," but this ignores several important distinctions. Hooligan owes its name to a disreputable London-based Irish family from the end of the nineteenth century. The most hard core Real fans are the 'Ultra Sur', headed by Jose Luis Ochaita. The fanatics, who share their axe emblem with the international Hammerskin white supremacist movement, are feared even among the most extreme elements of Europe's soccer hooligans. Even if the mighty Hammers' Inner City Firm joined forces with Milwall's Bushwackers they couldn't come close to the Ultra Surs. Ochaita was arrested in Germany in the late 1990's for waving Nazi flags, and also banned from matches for three years for attacking a referee in Spain. Despite this he has been welcomed by both the Real Madrid players and board of directors. In 2005, after a game in which the Ultras Sur had been seen waving racist banners, Real Madrid's Roberto Carlos was seen giving Ochaita his jersey following the conclusion of the match. The supporters are so revered by the club that they keep their own office in Madrid's Bernabéu Stadium in which they store pamphlets, drums, megaphones, and flags bearing General Franco's shield and other neo-Nazi symbols. After home matches, they have been known to organize hunts of blacks, prostitutes, tramps, gays, and supporters of other clubs. Among their favored chants is: "Six million Jews to the gas chambers."

A veritable list of who's who among the footie world when you talk about notable former Real players including: Ronaldo, Robinho, Zé Roberto, Michael Owen, David 'golden balls' Beckham, Fabio Cannavaro, Zinedine Zidane, and Luís Figo to name a few. Most recently they made international headlines after signing 2008 FIFA player of the year Cristiano Ronaldo to a six year deal that is rumored to be worth €13 million per season, and also include a €1 billion buy-out clause. Their current roster includes: former AC Milan midfielder Kaká, dutch striker Ruud van Nistelrooy, Madrid native 'Guti Haz', as well as Portugese defender Pepe.

The Match
Predicting how United will play this year has been dificult. From match to match and even from half to half, they can look poised to win the league, or mediocre at best. Given the fact that United has 6 matches in the next 30 days, and this is a friendly, you could say they won't put too much heart into the game. At the same time this is a great chance to win over potential footie fans by getting a result in front of 55,000+ fans. However, Real Madrid is way too talented to not win this, even given the fact that they face Toronto on Friday night before traveling to DC for Sunday's match (they're staying here by the way if any of you fan boys want to stalk them) they should easily dominate this game. I'll give DC one goal off a Gomez free kick.
Prediction: Real Madrid 27 - DC United 1
vamos united.

05 August 2009

fred finishes. wwwhhhaaaattttt?

It's not often that you see Fred strike a ball that ends up even remotely close to the net. If I had a dollar for every golden opportunity he's sailed over the net and into the parking lot I'd be at the rub and tug right now. I'd have put money on this ball from 23 yards ending up in Galveston before the side netting. Kudos to Fred - putting this past Pat Onstad from distance. Unfortunately, that means his next 40 or so attempts will end up in the upper deck. Regardless, enjoy this finish and then bring that sweet candy coated ass over here and vote for him as the goal of the week. No telling when you'll see Fred do it again.

03 August 2009

mozzer monday - frankly, mr. shankly

The perfect song for a Monday morning. Allegedly, a message to the founder of Rough Trade Records, Geoff Travis, disguised as a letter of resignation from an employee to their boss. I'll make sure to include the following line in my next resignation letter:
Frankly, Mr. Shankly, this position I've held, It pays my way and it corrodes my soul

In a June 1986 interview with the NME, Morrissey had this to say about Frankly Mr. Shankly:
"Yes I'm moaning about fame," he repeats caressing his brow with the most melodramatic hands in the history of the stage. "I was reaching for the rubber but I thought, well no, I do want to complain, I do want to moan. Complaining is so unmanly, which is why I do it so well! Yes... fame, fame, fatal fame can play hideous tricks on the brain. It really is so odd, and I think I've said this before - God I suddenly sounded like Roy Hattersly - when one reaches so painfully for something and suddenly it's flooding over one's body, there is pain in the pleasure. Don't get me wrong, I still want it, and I still need it but...Even though you can receive 500 letters from people who will say that the record made me feel completely alive - suddenly doing something remarkably simple like making a candle can seem more intriguing in a perverted sense than writing another song. But what is anything without pain?"