17 September 2009

the great debate: prince vs. jacko

Just like in Highlander, there can be only one. Since the death of the so-called 'King of Pop' on June 25th a debate has emerged that has eclipsed the deliberation scene from 12 angry men. Who is the better artist? Prince or Michael Jackson? The death of Jacko came as quite a surprise to me, mostly because I was under the impression that he died in the late 90's, but what was an even bigger surprise was the sudden out pouring of emotion the entire country had for him. Once a musical icon, he had faded into obscurity after not releasing an original album in nearly 8 years, and not having a top 10 hit in nearly 15. So in an effort to end this debate once and for all, going down like a monkey presents:prince

the vitals:

To quote Private Joker in Full Metal Jacket, "The dead know only one thing: it is better to be alive."

edge: Prince
musical ability:
princeI can respect a few of Michael Jackson’s songs; PVT, Dirty Diana, Thriller, Human Nature, etc. Of those songs, Jacko wrote, exactly one of them – Dirty Diana, and produced only one of them – Dirty Diana. All other writing and producing credits go to Quincy Jones, Steve Porcaro, or John Bettis. You could make the argument that Jackson would never have had a solo career if it weren’t for Quincy Jones, Jones is credited as producer for three of Jackson’s biggest selling albums; Off the Wall, Thriller, and Bad. Conversely, Prince writes and produces all of his own songs. In fact, prior to Purple Rain’s release, Prince went as far as playing every musical instrument on every song he recorded before mixing the final track. Go to the Smithsonian museum of American History, they have Prince’s guitar on display, when it came to Jacko’s glove - they were apparently not interested. Oh, but Jacko was such a great dancer! Are you ready to have your mind blown? Jacko didn’t even invent the moonwalk:

Watch the closing scene from Purple Rain and tell me Prince isn’t a better dancer. While Michael Jackson may have been a great entertainer, his music lacks substance, and aside from singing lyrics that some one else wrote, he had very little to do with his own hits. Need further proof? When Jackson was inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 2001, who did they get to do it? Surely, such an iconic act would have to be inducted by a legend; James Brown, Al Green, maybe Paul McCartney, Jay-Z, perhaps Sting? No, instead they got perennial no-talent boy banders, N'Sync to present his award. In the interest of full disclosure, Prince didn't fare much better when he was inducted in 2004, having Alicia Keys and OutKast introduce him.

edge: Prince

entourage:carmen This looks like another tough one. Prince has: The Revolution, The New Power Generation, Lisa & Wendy, Morris Day & the motherfuckin' Time. He's undoubtedly put stones to: Carmen Electra, Sheila E, Vanity, Apolonia, Sheena Easton, Kim Bassinger, Stevie Nicks, and even Marvin Gaye's daughter Nona. Conversly, Jacko hung with: Macaully Culkin, bubles the chimp, a freaking llama named Louie, the elephant man's decomposing corpse, countless pre-pubescent boys who had a taste for jesus juice, and even asked that Elizabeth Taylor get custody of his ALLEGED children after his death. I will give him a bit of credit for marrying Lisa Marie Presley, however even the most fervent Jacko fan would have trouble convincing me they actually consummated that fraud of a marriage.

edge: Prince

After hearing her 12 year old daughter playing 'Darling Niki' off of the Purple Rain album, uber-cunt Tipper Gore was so appauled by the notion of a girl sitting "in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine" that she formed the Parents Music Resource Center. The P.M.R.C. most famously petitioned Congress to have Parental Advisory Stickers added to any song that offended their delicate sensibilities. In 1993, Jacko was accused for the first of many times of molesting an underaged boy at his Neverland Ranch. While Jackson maintains his innocence, he did setle the civil suit for $22 million dollars. Did he jerk off a 12 year old? I don't know I wasn't there, all I can say is $22 million is a whole lot to pay someone for not jerking them off. If that's the case, I'd like to file a lawsuit against Katy Perry, and Lady Ga-Ga, surely I deserve some cash for them not giving me a handjob. Although he seemed so normal, once again he'd be accused of child molestation again in 2003. Writing a song about hooking up with a sex fiend, or touching under aged boys? Wow, that's a tough choice.

edge: His Purple Majesty

album sales:purpleUndoubtedly, Michael Jackson has sold more albums than any other artist. Estimates put his sales between 350 and 700 million worldwide. Thriller is the best selling album of all time selling over 110 million copies. Prince's best known album, Purple Rain, on the other hand has sold somewhere in the neighborhood of 13 million copies. In fact Jackson, in an obvious attempt to detract attention away from prince, died on June 25th, 2009 - the 25th anniversary of the release of Purple Rain. Clearly, Jackson get's the edge in record sales. This only serves to prove another point, people love shit music. Don't believe me? The Bodyguard Soundtrack sold 42 million copies, the Eagles Greatest Hits - 42 million, The Backstreet Boys' Millennium - 40 million, and the BeeGees Saturday Night Fever Soundtrack - 40 million. Shit, Shit, Shit, Shit. Well you say, no one buys music anymore - top three songs on iTunes this week: Paparazzi - Lady GaGa, Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus, I Gotta Feeling - Black Eyed Peas. There is a reason why American Idol is so succesful, people love to listen to shit. So Jacko wins this round, but with an asterisk.

edge: Jacko*


So there you have it Prince beats out Michael Jackson by a score of 4-1, ending the debate once and for all. Jackson faded into obscurity, rarely seen in public, his face becoming a charicature of a 50 year old white woman - looking nothing like he had some 25 years ago at the peak of his popularity. Then, upon his death, every yupie in the country suddenly rushed to download thriller, and proclaim how tragic his death was. It begs the question, will other celebrities be mourned inspite of their transgresions upon their death? Will OJ Simpson be revered in death as one of the greatest running backs of all time, with no mention of killing Nicole Brown Simpson & that other dude that no one remembers? Will everyone rush to Best Buy to pick up the Naked Gun Trilogy, while wearing their USC hats? Will Pete Rose be voted into the hall of fame the first ballot after his death, while everyone forgives him for gambling on baseball? Clearly you can jerk off as many 12 year old boys as you want and when you die - all is forgiven. Cry me a fucking river Jacko fans, I guarantee you on June 24th, 2009 you couldn't have cared less about Michael Jackson. In summary: Prince > Jacko

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