30 October 2009

phil friday - can't stop. won't stop

Until seeing this I was under the impression that the only british rappers worth mentioning were, in no particular order, Young MC, Iceberg Slimm, Scotland Yard Emcees, and Asher D. I keep my ear to the ground so I know what's hot in the streets, but clearly, one more name needs to be added. Is there anything Phil can't do? Enjoy bitches:

26 October 2009

mozzer monday - i'm throwing my arms around paris

morrissey, mozzerAh Paris. La Ville-Lumière! Sometimes you think you're going on a nice vacation to Paris - next thing you know the harlot you went with is breaking up with you because you didn't propose to her at the top of the Eiffel Tower on New Years Eve, when all you really wanted to do in the first place was check out the view and maybe try to talk her into giving you a handjob on the elevator ride down. Maybe she even loses her shit on you because even though she told you she speaks French, which she clearly doesn't, it's somehow your fault that you got lost because you can't read the directions the concierge wrote down for you. Perhaps, she even makes a cab driver stop in the middle of the Champs-Élysées so she can get out and throw a fit because you'd rather go take a tour of the Stade de France or see where Jim Morrison is buried than go to another god damn museum. Or maybe you went to Paris and had fun..whatever.

20 October 2009

i've come to wish you an unhappy birthday

"I know what you're thinking...you're thinking those are the biggest boobies you've ever seen. I'm not your average woman...I like sex and I'm not afraid to admit[cough, hack, cough]. Excuse me I just had pudding an hour ago. You ever parked your bicylce in an airplane hanger? You ever thrown a toothpick into a volcano? Ohh...I'm sweating. You're making me all hot! OHHHHHH CAKES & PIES!!!! "
365 days, countless references to transvestite hookers, broads with low self esteem, getting hammered, my overall hatred of females, phil, morrissey, and of course space bitches...space!. Oh, and two posts each from this guy, and this guy...thanks for the help wankers. Happy first birthday to going down like a monkey.

19 October 2009

mozzer monday - the queen is dead

"When you consider what minimal contribution they make in helping people. They never under any circumstances make a useful statement about the world or people's lives. The whole thing seems like a joke, a hideous joke. We don't believe in leprachauns so why should we believe in the Queen? And when one looks at all the individuals within the Royal Family they're so magnificently, unaccountably and unpardonably boring! I mean Diana herself has never in her lifetime uttered one statement that has been of any use to any member of the human race. If we have to put up with these ugly individuals why can't they at least do something off the mark!" - 1986 interview with NME
Morrissey goes on to call Prince Charles a closeted transvestite ("I said Charles, don't you ever crave, to appear on the front of the Daily Mail, dressed in your Mother's bridal veil?"); recreating the famous Buckingham Palace invasion by Michael Fagan (So, I broke into the palace, with a sponge and a rusty spanner"); before discusing the adverse effect the rain has on his hair (We can go for a walk where it's quiet and dry, and talk about precious things, but the rain that flattens my hair, oh, these are the things that kill me).

18 October 2009

our little baby's all groweds up

swingers, movie poster, john favreau, vince vaughnSwingers
released October 18, 1996

If you haven't seen Swingers, well....what the fuck are you waiting for? Definitely in my top 5 of all time, in a dead heat with High Fidelity for the number one spot. In honor of the thirteenth anniversary of the release of one of the greatest films of our generation, going down like a monkey presents:
the dating advice of Trent Walker (a top 5)

swingers, vince caughn, john favreau #5 - "Now I want you to go over to that girl and I want you to get those digits. Come here a second, listen. Now look it, when you go up to talk to her man, I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie, everyone's REALLY hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know? The guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from, okay? You're a bad man, you're a bad man."

swingers, vince caughn, john favreau, patrick van horn, ron livingston #4 - "You know what? Ha Ha Ha Mike, laugh all you want, but if you call too soon you might scare off a nice baby who's ready to party. [Favs: Well, how long you gonna wait to call your babies?] Six Days."

swingers, vince caughn, john favreau, patrick van horn #3 - "Baby don't talk that way. [Patrick Van Horn: You're so money and you don't even know it] That's what I've keep trying to tell him. [Favs: Could you not mess with me right now] Baby we're not messing with you. You know what you are? You're like a big bear with claws and fangs. And fucking teeth on you. And she's just like this little bunny who's just kinda cowering in the corner. Yeah man, just kinda..you know you got these claws and you're staring at these claws man and you're thinking to yourself, with these claws you're thinking, 'how am I supposed to kill this bunny? How am I supposed to kill this bunny?" [PVH: And you're poking it] Yeah, you're not hurting it, you're just kinda gently batting the bunny around, you know what I mean? And the bunny is scared Mike, the bunny is scared of you. Shivering. You got these claws and these fangs man, and you're looking at your claws and you're looking at your fangs and you're thinking to yourself, 'I don't know what to do man, I don't know how to kill the bunny' with this you don't know how to kill the bunny. Do you know what I mean? [Favs: So you're not just like fucking with me?] No I'm not fucking with you. Mike, I'm telling you you're money.

swingers, vince caughn, john favreau #2 - "Look you take yourself out of the game, you start talking to them about puppy dogs and ice cream of course it's gonna end up on the friendship tip....Baby, you are so money and you don't even know it...Listen to me Mike, your self esteem is low right now because she's with somebody else. But talking about it and thinking about it all the time, it's depressing, it's no good man."

swingers, vince caughn, john favreau, casino #1 - "Oh, Mike do you even think I know what the hell they're saying to me half the time? I don't know if they're talking about how hard it is to be adopted, or how their dad can't show them affection. All I do man is stare at their mouthes and wrinkle my eyebrows and somehow I turn out to be a big sweetie. Okay? Now take this girl here right? She's a waitress in Las Vegas ok? But I bet somewhere inside of her there's a very very special dream and no matter how hard I try I won't..."

16 October 2009

phil friday - it's so bad it's good

In 2002, the diet coke of gangster rappers, Bone Thugs-n-Harmony wanted to sample 'take me home' on their track 'home'. strangely enough Phil not only allowed his song to be sampled, but offered to sing the chorus himself. Due to it's decidedly un-gangster nature it was a flop in the US, however those wankers in the UK ate it up and it even cracked the top 20 on the UK singles chart. Collins was made an honorary member of Bone given the nickname 'Chrome Bone'. It's bone and phillie phillie...

pardon me while i inject cocaine into my butthole

big lebowski, hate the eagles, cab, the dude "Man come on, I had a rough night and I hate the fuckin' Eagles...man!"
I share the dude's sentiments on the Eagles, and specifically Don Henley. I'm kind of on the fence as to whether or not Stevie Nicks would get it though. She's still kind of hot at 61, but now that she's clean and sober, some of the mystique is gone. That being said, I had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Dave Grohl the other day, and I've always been a big fan. Will Ferrell, generally makes me laugh, but for every Anchorman he releases there's a Semi-Pro that sucks complete ass, and since he plays the same character in every movie it's hard to seperate the shit from the gems. Either way, the duet of Ferrell and Grohl is hard to beat, the 5:35 mark is classic. enjoy bitches:

12 October 2009

mozzer monday - certain people i know

morrissey, mozzer
I was talking with George [Morrissey's bodyguard] and he was saying that even when he was on the road with Motley Crue, when they were shifting millions of records and were the ultimate in hard-rock excess, that even then the fans didn't have anything like the intensity of the people that follow you.
"I wouldn't, for instance, imagine that George Michael does. Similarly with Madonna; I can't imagine anyone loving Madonna and wanting to get onstage, and hold her, and squeeze her, and not let go. She doesn't inspire that. She may sell millions upon millions of records - similarly with George Michael or Michael Jackson - but I don't know that people really, really love them in the way that I feel that I am loved by the people who come and see me. So, yes, it's baffling."- 1992 Interview with Spin Magazine
During the 1992 promotion tour for Your Arsenal, Morrissey attracted a mob not seen since the British invasion of the Beatles years earlier. A midnight appearance at the vinyl solution (which makes me l-o-l, by the way) in Grand Rapids, Michigan attracted over 2,000 fans. President Bush was in Grand Rapids at the same time, however the media choose to cover Morrissey instead. 1,200 people turned up at Houston's Record Rack the next day, (no word on how many fans turned out at Chicago's Championship Vinyl), and hundreds turned out for a ten minute set on Hangin' with MTV in New York City, where he played 'certain people I know', for the final stop in the promotion tour.

09 October 2009

know your foe - honduras

USMNT vs Honduras, United States Soccer, Honduras futbol teamThe US travels to politically unstable San Pedro Sula Saturday night to face Honduras in their final road match of their 2010 World Cup Qualification campaign. Through eight home matches the Hondurans are undefeated (8-0-0) scoring 22 goals and only conceding 3. The US won the home leg in Chicago coming from behind for a 2-1 victory. The United States is currently in first place of the CONCACAF qualifying group (5-1-2) 16 points, while Honduras is third (4-1-3) 13 points. The top three teams from CONCACAF will advance to the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, and the US could claim the first automatic berth with a win Saturday. Here are the scenarios in which the US qualifies Saturday: a US win and they are through; a Costa Rica loss - regardless of the US result will clinch it as well; or if Costa Rica draws Trinidad and Tobago and the US draws Honduras. If the US fails to qualify Sunday, they can still clinch a berth with a win or draw vs. Costa Rica at estadio RFK on Wednesday night. Exciting right!?!?......except for the fact that you won't be able to see the fucking match in the US, unless you are in close proximity to one of the 29 American bars that have paid for the rights to show the closed circuit only broadcast of the match.

honduras national soccer team, logo, honduras futbolNicknamed 'los catrachos' which in english means 'the hondurans' (clever huh?), the Honduran men's national soccer team played their first organized match in 1921 falling to their western neighbors Guatemala by a respectable score of 10-1. Tensions is Central America between Honduras and El Salvador came to a head in the summer of 1969, when rioting during a qualifying match for the 1970 World Cup sparked a 6 day war, dubbed the football war, in which over 2,100 were killed. Honduras failed to qualify for the 1970 World Cup in Mexico, while El Salvador was eliminated in the group stage losing to Mexico, Belgium, and the USSR, conceding 9 goals while scoring 0. Honduras' greatest result in tournament play came during the 1981 CONCACAF Championship where wins against Haiti, Cuba, and Canada, as well as draws with El Salvador and Mexico were enough for them to be crowned tournament champions. Honduras' only appearance in World Cup play was during 1982 where they failed to advance out of group play, posting two draws (Spain 1-1, Northern Ireland 1-1) and one loss (Yugoslavia 0-1).
locationSan Pedro Sula skyline
The Catrachos play the majority of their home matches in San Pedro Sula. The nickname 'los catrachos' comes from Honduran General Florencio Xatruch. In the mid 1800's American expat William Walker was attempting to conquer all of Central America and re-establish slavery, after his defeat by Generla Xarruch, Nicaraguans yelled out ¡Vienen los xatruches!, meaning "Here come Xatruch's boys!" However, Nicaraguans had so much trouble pronouncing the general's last name that they altered the phrase to los catruches and ultimately settled on los catrachos. San Pedro Sula was originally settled in 1536 with the name Villa de San Pedro de Puerto Caballos. The city's name became San Pedro Sula in the 18th century, after several changes. The "Sula" part of its name comes from the Minas de Sula, gold mines located to the west of the village of Naco. estadio olimpico metropolitano, olympic stadium, san pedro sulaToday, over one million residents call San Pedro Sula home, making it the countries second largest city behind the capital - Tegucigalpa.San Pedro Sula's Estadio Olímpico Metropolitano was built in 1997 when the city hosted the Central American Games. With a capacity of over 45,000 it is also the home grounds for C.D. Marathón as well as Real C.D. España.
head to head recordUSMNT, US Mens National Team, Honduras, vs
Over the years the United States and Honduras have faced each other fifteen times, with the US holding a commanding lead of 10 wins, 2 draws, and 3 losses, with a goal differential of +13, as well as a 3-1-1 record in World Cup Qualification. The US has only played four matches away to Honduras, their last a 2-1 US win in March of 2001. Overall the US is 2-1-1 in matches on Honduran soil. Most recently the US defeated Honduras 2-0 in the CONCACAF Gold Cup Semi-Finals (July 23rd) as well as during Gold Cup group play 2-0 (July 8th). The home leg for the US was June 6th at Chicago's Soldier Field, where the US won 2-1 (Landon Donovan and Carlos Bocanegra on the goals). Five current US players have scored against los Catrachos, with Donovan notching three, while Bocanegra, Brian Ching, and defenders Clarence Goodson and Oguchi Onyewu have all added one. Onyewu's scored his first national team goal against Honduras, a game-winner in the 92nd minute that sent the U.S. into the final of the 2005 CONCACAF Gold Cup against Panama. The most famous match between the two sides occured during U-23 Olympics Qualifying match in 2008 when American Tiffany May decided a semi-naked pitch invasion was necessary during the 77th minute. The US U-23 side went on to win 1-0.
coachReinaldo Rueda, Honduras Natioal Team, coach
Reinaldo Rueda has managed Honduras since 2006. Born in Medellín, Columbia, Rueda's claim to fame was from his job as the Colombian Youth Coach. With the Colombian U-20 squad he finished 3rd in the U-20 World Cup in 2003. He also lead the Colombian U-17 team to a fourth place finish that same year. After a disastrous start to qualifying Colombia promoted him to being the Senior Coach for the qualification to 2006 World Cup. The team was supposed to be near last spot on the CONMEBOL qualification but finished in a respectable sixth place. Colombia failed to qualify by only 1 point, and the blame was placed on Rueda even though Colombia had only one point through five games when he took charge. As coach of the Hondurans since 2006 he took a team missing most of it's stars to the quarterfinals of the 2007 CONCACAF Gold Cup as well as a semifinal appearance in 2009.
honduras national soccer team, honduras national futbol team Honduras is captained by Toronto FC midfielder Amado 'el lobo' Guevara. Guevara is the all time cap leader for the catrachos netting 29 goals in his 128 appearances, also being named tournament MVP in the Hondurans third place finish at the 2001 Copa America. Over the course of 17 year career he's started for Olimpia, Saprissa, Motagua, the NY RedBulls, and Chivas USA among others. Guevara is joined in midfield by Ramón Núñez formerly of FC Dallas, and currently playing at Cruz Azul. Former LA Galaxy striker Carlos Pavón, Benefica forward David Suazo, as well as Carlo Costly of Birmingham City lead their attack. Wigan Athletic teammates Maynor Figueroa and Hendry Thomas, as well as spurs midfielder Wilson Palacios round out the premiership talent, but sadly no current or former Millwall players will be on the 18 man game day roster.
the gameOguchi Onyewu, Honduras, USMNT, US National Team
Ricardo Clark became the USA's 15th different scorer in 2010 World Cup Qualifying when he netted the game winner on Sept. 9 in Trinidad & Tobago. Frankie Hejduk's (1) goal against Trinidad & Tobago joined Carlos Bocanegra (2) and Oguchi Onyewu (1) as the other defenders to score in qualifying. Jozy Altidore leads all scorers (6), with Clint Dempsey (5) right behind him. Michael Bradley (4), Brian Ching (4) and Landon Donovan (4) have found the net with some frequency, while Charlie Davies (2) and DaMarcus Beasley (2) have also registered multiple goals. Also on the score sheet with one goal each are Freddy Adu, Kenny Cooper, Eddie Johnson and Eddie Lewis. Should be an interesting match on Saturday with Honduras needing points to keep their World Cup chances alive, while the US will look to claim their sixth consecutive appearance in the big dance.
Prediction US 2 : 1 Honduras (goals from Donovan & Davies)

phil friday - a mf-ing montage bitches!

phil collins, genesis
you can't hurry love, shortcut to nowhere, all i need is a miracle (mike & the mechanics), and the granddaddy of them all - tonight, tonight, tonight! enjoy bitches:

05 October 2009

mozzer monday - heaven knows i'm miserable now

Morrissey, Mozzer, pool side
The Smiths made their first trip to the US in December of 1983. Morrissey was happy to hear that the band would be staying at the Iroquois Hotel in Manhattan for their new years eve show at the Danceteria. The Iroquois hotel had been home to one of Morrissey's idols, James Dean, for two years in the early 1950's, however the band found the hotel in decay and infested with cockroaches upon their arrival. During the New Years eve performance, unable to sleep in his slum of a hotel room, and feeling the effects of jet-lag, and malnourished, Morrissey famously fell off the stage. That combined with Mike Joyce contracting the chicken pox, led to the smiths cancelling the remaining New York City date and heading back to the UK, not before Marr and Morrissey wrote Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now in their hotel room.
Morrissey would later say, "When I wrote an ineffectual line such as 'I was looking for a job, and then I found a job, and heaven knows I'm miserable now', that outraged people. All the daily tabloids treat me as a dangerous figure and that pleases me. At least it means that I'm a strong person and I'm not Andrew Ridgeley."
Who doesn't love a good Wham! reference?
"On the very brief spasms of employment that I had in the past, it always seemed to me that there were moments of the day when I'd realise I was working with these people that I despised. I had to talk to these horrible people about what they did yesterday and I would have to report to a boss that I couldn't stand. When you're in that position, which was the absolute basis of 'Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now', you realise that you're actually spending your entire life living with people you do not like and doing something you do not like, which is incredibly distressing. So that was the basis of the song."

04 October 2009

as bent as the soviet sickle, and as hard as the hammer that crosses it

hot russian women
What is it about Russian women that makes them so hot? Their love of communism? Their addicition to all things vodka related? What I wouldn't give to have them say, "fuck your yankee blue jeans". In honor of the lovely Lena Katina's 25th birthday today, going down like a monkey presents:
top 5 hottest russian broads:

#5 Alina Kabayeva Алина Маратовна Кабаева
Current State Duma deputee from the Party of United Russia, and former Olympic Gymnast. Also rumored to be the resaon Vladimir Putin left his wife.Alina KabayevaalinaAlina KabayevaAlina KabayevaAlina KabayevaAlina KabayevaAlina Kabayeva
#4 Daria Strokous Дария Strokous

18 year old model who's not afraid to take off the kit.
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#3 Maria Sharapova Мария Юрьевна Шарапова
Hot Russian model, also plays some tennis.
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#2 Sofia Rudieva София Андреевна Рудьева
St. Petersburg
At age eighteen was crowned Miss Russia 2009 days before nude photos of her flooded the internet.Sofia RudievaSofia RudievaSofia RudievaSofia RudievaSofia RudievaSofia RudievaSofia Rudieva
#1 Lena Katina - Елена Сергеевна Катина
The only thing hotter than being in a Russian psuedo-lesbian girl pop band, is that Russian psuedo-lesbian girl pop band covering the smiths How Soon is Now
Lena KatinaLena KatinaLena KatinaLena KatinaLena Katina
Lena KatinaLena Katina