25 December 2009

but everyone i used to know was either dead or in prison

If you're like me, and I hope for your sake you're not, then nothing puts you in the holiday spirit quite like hookers. Whether they be; Korean, Mexican, Eastern European, freedom loving or freedom hating, post-op or even the occasional pre-op trannies (if the price is right of course) it's just not a proper holiday with out a few dirty hookers milling about. Mr. Thomas Alan Waits captures it quite perfectly. Enjoy and merry x-mas bitches:

18 December 2009

that's the fact jack

I missed an entire week of mozzer mondays, phil fridays, and not one single dick and/or fart joke. Inexcusable, escpecially given the fact that I haven't had shit else to do. However, today is the 10th anniversary of me graduating from US Army Infantry basic training, so here is a picture of your favorite blogger doing my best impression of someone with full blown aids who'd just lost like 50lbs in 16 weeks. Enjoy bitches:

08 December 2009

young, dumb, and full of....homicidal rage!!!

I think I've covered ad nauseum my love for crazy broads, however, these chicks are worth another mention. And while I've never been a big fan of the "women in prison" porno angle, if it was starring any of these lovely ladies I might change my mind. Something about the hint of psychopath in their eyes, the helplessness of being behind bars, the knowledge that at any moment they could strike again! I mean anyone can do a year or two in the clink for some trumped up white collar crime like tax evasion, or insider trading, but to kill a man with a horse tranquilizer and watch him slowly die, or slipping someone a lethal dose of Xanax, Valium, and black tar heroin? Now that takes a special kind of lady. In that spirit goingdownlikeamonkey presents:

the top 5 hot killers

#5 - Leslie MacKool currently serving life with out parole
When 22 year old Leslie Shepherd married 45 year old Michael MacKool her father was heartbroken. Upon his death 5 years later Leslie still expected a large portion of her father's $2 million estate to be left to her. When she found out she was left a mere $25k what did she do? She hid in the bushes in front of her mother's house and stabbed her to death - some 74 times nearly severing her head from her body. Found guilty of capital murder she received life in prison with out parole.

#4 Sarah Dutra eligible for parole October 2011 (call me)
Convicted of voluntary manslaughter in the poisoning of her boss - Sacramento lawyer Laurence McNabney. On September 11, 2001 21 year old Dutra and McNabney's wife Lauren Sims killed him, liquidated $250k of his assets, and road tripped it to Vegas before checking into the Bellagio with his corpse stuffed securely in the trunk of their Jaguar. Later they'd stuff him in their home's refrigerator and duct tape it closed. The FBI would find him some four months later buried in a vineyard near Linden, California. Sims eventually hung herself in prison leaving the lovely Sarah Dutra to stand trial alone.

#3 Ashley Humphrey release date 2030
In 2004, on the day following her wedding 19 year old Ashley Humphrey followed Sandee Rozzo home and shot her eight times in her garage. The reason? Her husband Timothy Humphrey was to face Rozzo in court for charges of sexual assault. Being a repeat offender he faced 10 years in prison. In 2006 Humphrey testified against her husband in exchange for a reduced sentence.

#2 Sandy Murphy released after re-trial in November 2004
Convicted of murder, conspiracy, robbery, grand larceny and burglary in connection with the killing of Las Vegas millionaire and one-time proprietor of Binion's Horseshoe Ted Binion. Where did she meet Ted Binion you ask? At Cheetah's Gentlemans Club where she was dancing at the time of course. Later when the relationship went south Ted Binion hired Rick Tabish to construct an underground vault on the floor of the Nevada desert to hide between 7 and 14 million dollars worth of silver from Sandy. Tabish and Murphy were convicted of Binion's murder in May of 2000.

#1 Amanda "Foxy" Knox release date December 2035
22 year old Seattle exchange student convicted of sexually assaulting and killing her roommate during a drug fueled orgy with her boyfriend Rafael Sollecito and friend Rudy Guede in Perugia, Italy. While waiting for questioning Foxy Knoxy reportedly entertained the Italian Polizia with cartwheels and splits before confessing to the crime. Later she would claim she was coerced into making the confession through assault by the Polizia. Whether she did it or not, she's definitely guilty of one thing - being hot. The winner of prison essay contests was sentenced to 26 years, her boyfriend of two weeks was given 25.

amanda knox, foxy knoxy
amanda knox, foxy knoxy

07 December 2009

mozzer monday - you just haven't earned it yet, baby

morrissey, concertRecently, I've been flooded with more than normal barrage of 'why are you such an asshole?' questions. And heard after the fact that 'why is your friend such an asshole?' and most hurtful of all 'why won't your incredibly handsome asshole friend go home with me?' inquiries have been raised as well.(I can only assume the last one). Why make fun of a broad's 'birthday scarf' on her birthday? Why tell the most attractive girl out of her group of friend's that she's in fact the least attractive after you attempted to steal her purse at a bar? Why constantly make roofie jokes even after you learn that she was in fact slipped a roofie(allegedly)? Why try to have sex with some disgustingly ugly chick on top of the bar in a place that smells of septic waste mixed with the stench of old man balls? Why tell a girl on her 21st birthday that she looks closer to 35? Or telling a girl that you'll pick them up in front of a bar in Clarendon in 5 minutes when you're really sitting on your living room floor in a drunken stupor eating taco bell and passing the fuck out? Tell a girl her shoes look like they were purchased at pay less after she tells you they're from Nordstrom - check. And if some broad gets lippy when you ask her if she likes prince or jacko better, but simultaneously happens to be wearing prince's shirt from purple rain - don't be afraid to tell her to shut the fuck up either. But why on earth would you tell someone that not only do you not want to talk to them at the gym, but you don't particularly feel like talking to them now either? Is it the fact that I just hate women? Possibly. Or is it because I'm a semi-functional alcoholic? There may be some truth to that too. I'll get more in depth on that later with the R-O-B G-O-R-D-O-N system, but for now I'll just let Morrissey tell you. Because like a brick of gold, a blood diamond, or a back stage pass to a Hannah Montana concert, I'm a rare commodity and you just haven't earned it yet...

04 December 2009

phil friday - keeping it real in the name of phil

Nobody tells DJ Request what to play. Let them tell you what to play, they loose respect for you. They loose respect for you, you loose control. Not today...

Sometimes you wake up at 6am on a Sunday and go watch your favorite side lose a home match to Liverpool 5-1 and to add insult to injury come out of the pub and find your car being towed down the street all because you took the parking advice of some fucking wanker. However, on the otherside of the pond, a greater injustice was taking place. Liverpool captain SG8 decided to celebrate his two goal performance, and what better way to celebrate than by having a few pints, listening to some phil, and maybe having a good cry? But DJ Request would have no part of the celebration, so Stevie G did what any good phil fan would do - beat the piss out of him. "Hey Guys, a couple of guys came in here earlier looking for Vanessa and I got a little bit of bad news for you, Vanessa is dead, here's Phil Collins"