07 December 2009

mozzer monday - you just haven't earned it yet, baby

morrissey, concertRecently, I've been flooded with more than normal barrage of 'why are you such an asshole?' questions. And heard after the fact that 'why is your friend such an asshole?' and most hurtful of all 'why won't your incredibly handsome asshole friend go home with me?' inquiries have been raised as well.(I can only assume the last one). Why make fun of a broad's 'birthday scarf' on her birthday? Why tell the most attractive girl out of her group of friend's that she's in fact the least attractive after you attempted to steal her purse at a bar? Why constantly make roofie jokes even after you learn that she was in fact slipped a roofie(allegedly)? Why try to have sex with some disgustingly ugly chick on top of the bar in a place that smells of septic waste mixed with the stench of old man balls? Why tell a girl on her 21st birthday that she looks closer to 35? Or telling a girl that you'll pick them up in front of a bar in Clarendon in 5 minutes when you're really sitting on your living room floor in a drunken stupor eating taco bell and passing the fuck out? Tell a girl her shoes look like they were purchased at pay less after she tells you they're from Nordstrom - check. And if some broad gets lippy when you ask her if she likes prince or jacko better, but simultaneously happens to be wearing prince's shirt from purple rain - don't be afraid to tell her to shut the fuck up either. But why on earth would you tell someone that not only do you not want to talk to them at the gym, but you don't particularly feel like talking to them now either? Is it the fact that I just hate women? Possibly. Or is it because I'm a semi-functional alcoholic? There may be some truth to that too. I'll get more in depth on that later with the R-O-B G-O-R-D-O-N system, but for now I'll just let Morrissey tell you. Because like a brick of gold, a blood diamond, or a back stage pass to a Hannah Montana concert, I'm a rare commodity and you just haven't earned it yet...

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