29 April 2011

i'm in a glass case of emotion

lee greenwood can suck my ass...

holy shit balls. baseball is fucking boring. pair that with some fat fuck who thinks that standing up when they play 'proud to be an american' makes him the biggest patriot since...who was that fucker that said - one if by land, two if by sea? that guy, regardless - fuck him. fuck him and his fat ass one cheeseburger away from a wheelchair fucking wife. and if you're a baseball fan - fuck you too. that felt good.

UPDATE: it's Paul Revere..it's tough trying to remember historical events when you're writting a post on your phone while sitting at a picnic table at nationals park drunk and angry.

20 April 2011

and the truth shall set you free...or some shit

i hate reading a blog, and after the author doesn't update for a while they write something like 'i'm back! I'm going to start updating again!'. fuck those people. but, at the same time 'i'm back bitches! and I am going to start updating again'. it's either this - or prison, and as surprising as this may sound - i am not a fan of unwanted shower sex, so it'll have to be blogging. you'll be happy to know i have a whole new set of issues so you can look forward to a slew of self loathing mozzer mondays, self depricating phil fridays, and the occasional cry for help. who am I kidding? this whole blog has been one big cry for help, but that's neither here nor there. just to wet your appetite here is a quick recap of what you can expect now that i've made my triumphant return, clearly it's going to be all about me- including, but not limited to:
-i'm a disaster
-i'm ridiculously insecure
-i over compensate for my insecurities by being an asshole
-sometimes i wish that i actually believed the things that I said
-quitting smoking has made me angrier than usual
-i never take responsibility for my actions
-i have abandonment issues
-secretly i like depriving myself of things
-i love attention more than anything in the world, way beyond the point of it being healthy
-i'm not truly happy unless i'm depressed
-and recently i've had the overwhelming feeling that I'm destined to die alone, and that's probably going to be sooner than I'd like
-did i mention i'm a disaster already?

well that felt good. now - who needs a drink?

08 April 2011

how does a mustache help in combat?

you see, the enemy sees that mustache, they can't not get a boner. giving the enemy a boner is half the battle.