going down like a monkey

mozzer monday - will never marry

2011-07-12T01:50:00.009+01:00

do women reach a certain age where every psuedo-relationship has to include the possibility of ending in marriage? it strikes me as very odd that someone i wasn't even dating, would 'break up' with me because i made it clear that i didn't want to ever get married. i fully understood it happening when a girl who i actually was dating - broke up with me because i didn't propose to her, those late to my nuerotic blog posts can refer to mozzer monday - i'm throwing my arms around paris, to re-live that particular ill-fated relationship. but a girl who i wasn't dating...that's a bit odd even by my admittedly low standards. i've also covered in depth how my favorite part of any relationship is the end of said relationship...i can't even take solace in the self loathing misery that usually accompanies someone breaking up with me because - well i wasn't at all attached. the nerve of her.

so a bit of a back story. i've been seeing this girl for maybe two and a half months, and at the risk of sounding like a complete piece of shit, never once while i was sober. in fact it was to the point that i would have to leave work - drink a half dozen pbr's and four vodka tonics just to be able to meet up with her for drinks. mind you she's not with out her positive points. that sounds way more scum-baggish than it is in reality...at least by my warped point of view.

i feel as if in order for this story to end with me keeping some sort of respect i have to get way more introspective than i was planning on. in the greatest movie of all time, john cusack points out that 'it's not what you're like - it's what you like. books, movies, music - these are the things that really matter' and while that may sound like a very shallow way to look at things, it's entirely true. and by that measure, she strikes out on every level. someone who by their own admission 'isn't that into music' and wakes up in the morning singing carrie underwood songs accompanied by the comment 'i guess i only really like country music' - ignoring the obvious fact that not only does current country music suck complete ass, but more importantly carrie underwood is hardly country music...or even listenable for that matter. additionally, her favorite band is/was cowboy mouth - a band that is the adult equivalent of the wiggles. don't get me wrong - crappy, tacky, nonsense pop music has a place in life, i've been known to sing mmmbop just because...well just because it's fucking mmmmbop. the point being, when you're into music, or books - i hesitate to call it literature, because i'm currently reading a book on the history of the ak-47 (it's a page turner - highly reccommend it, how else would i have come to learn that the ak-47 is nicknamed the 'african credit card') and movies/films - being around someone who isn't into any of those things seems ludicrous. but i'm getting away from the original point.

fast forward to last week. her birthday was friday. we were supposed to hang out monday, and something came up that i had to cancel, and tuesday - i had to cancel too. so tuesday night she texted me that i had 'ruined her birthday week'. her birthday week? what sort of petulant child needs an entire week to celebrate their birthday? she remarked that she liked to make plans every night of the week during her so-called 'birthday week' to celebrate. a grown woman. needs to celebrate everynight of the week. ok. so friday - i go out for happy hour with a co-worked of mine so i can get a bit of a buzz going before i meet her and her friends to celebrate, the culmination of her 'birthday week' her fucking birthday. a day which she took the entire day off of work to celebrate - i can only imagine if she hadn't she would have brought cup cakes in for the entire office, the way my eight year old son does to his second grade class, just in case anyone didn't realize it was her birthday. so we have some drinks and go to another bar to have a couple more drinks until i'm properly ready to handle her in a state i can only imagine to be the epitome of annoying self absorbed mid-30's female. i manage to convince said co-worker to go with me and he begrudgingly agrees.

the actual get together at the bar isn't too bad, i get in an argument with one of her friends who is prosecutor with the dc public courts and tell her she must have no ambition otherwise she'd have become a defense lawyer. then somehow i get in an argument with the shitty attorney about bull fighting which she tries to defend by saying that even though the bulls are at a distinct disadvantage, you know what with the picadores stabbing it with spears and shit, because the bulls lead a good life until they get killed. to which i asked if it would be okay if i went to her house and lopped the head off of her cat with a sword because, you know it lived a better life than a stray alley cat for a few years. my co-worked and i had been there for maybe three hours and they decide to get the check and everyone is presumably going their seperate ways - enter the check, i hand one of the birthday girl's friends my credit card for my share and my co-worker does the same. we go outside - me, to get some second hand smoke, him to get some first hand. we return to find that our share is $70 each. There were six of us, not including the birthday girl. her other friends had all conveniently settled up their portion of the check. i'm no mathematician but six people at $70 bucks each adds up to $420.00. i'm not going to get into the fact that i got bamboozled and i'm fairly certain everyone else threw in like $20, i know what a $420 bar tab looks like - and we didn't come close to it. whatever, i didn't make a big deal of it.

the evening ends at the birthday girl's apartment with her, her best friend, her gay friend, and me. somehow the subject of gay marriage comes up and i say - although i fully support gay marriage, i can't understand why anyone would want to get married in the first place, and how i thought one of the advantages of being gay is that you don't have to worry about ever getting a constant barrage of 'when are we getting married' questions. well, needless to say - that didn't go over well with anyone. anway a bit later we got to why i though she invited me in the first place. the next morning she woke me up at like 7am and told me the keys were by the door she had to catch an early flight or something - presumably to make it to her 'birthday vacation', or some shit, and to lock up when i left. i debated having a house party, but instead opted to just have a wank in her bed before i left...you know, on account of the fact that i wasn't able to, at the risk of sounding too crass, complete the previous night, plus she has some bad ass expensive looking foo foo lotion in her bathroom - lanolin and aloe vera? SCORE!!! (sidenote - you know you're good and fucked up when you have to ask 'did i just cum?' and the answer is - no. and you know, maybe, you have a bit of a drinking problem when that's not the first, second, or third time you've asked that before.)

so earlier tonight - the no longer birthday girl calls me to say that she's been thinking about what i said about marriage, and how she does want to get married someday, and unless i'm willing to consider it - we're through. this is not the first time she's brought up marriage...the first time being - the first fucking night we met, and i made my position very clear. second off - i didn't know we were whatever the opposite of through is before she said we were through. so i said - ok, well i'm not interested in getting married. i left out especially not to you - fuck, we're not even dating. too which she starts crying and says something like, 'i just don't want to get my heart broken'. i really can't even begin to comprehend the insanity that accompanies a statement like that towards someone you've been, at best, casually sleeping with.

point being, i don't feel that in order to validate my own being i need to be in a relationship or worse - married. relationships are shitty, and i'm far too lazy and selfish to put in the required work that goes along with being in one. i once stopped mid-thrust during sex because michigan was playing for the ncaa hockey national championship and i didn't want to miss it - plus jerking off is way better, way better. i've actually had the thought whilst mid-coitus before of, 'oh wow - i can't wait to jerk off to this later'. as you can see i'm a bit selfish and self centered like that.

there's a craft fair that was taking place down the street from where i live a few weeks ago and as i was driving by there were all these couples walking down the street towards it, hand in hand. the men, with a few exceptions - i assumed they were gay, had the look that said 'i'd rather be anywhere in the fucking world than right here'. that's the beauty of not being in a relationship. i don't have to do anything i don't want to do. no craft fairs, scrapbooking classes, weekend couples retreats, pampered chef parties, i don't have to worry about being nice to my girlfriend/wife's annoying friends when they come over to watch the sex and the city marathon, none of that shit.

i don't understand the mindset of someone deadset on getting married. let alone someone who has the goal of getting married. say for sake of argument that the average person has ten meaningful relationships in their life and the tenth and final one ends in marriage, they have a 90% failure rate in relationships. it's nothing more than naive to think that the tenth one is the magic relationship that is going to be the 'special one' that lasts forever. and why would you want it to last forever? you really want to grow old with someone? fuck that - old people creep me the fuck out. there i am sitting in some retirement home just waiting, begging to die except the nurses and orderlies keep feeding me pills and doing elective surgeries just because my wife wants to keep me alive so she can keep cashing my social security checks and the nurses agree so they can keep riffling through my personal belongings to sell on e-bay to support their own crystal meth addiction. not only do i have to deal with the whole, not being dead thing - but i have to look over at my old ass nasty wife - all vericose veiny, hair falling out, saggy tits, cankles, bald spots, ashy elbows, saddle bags, the dreaded - gunt, bacne, panty dandruff, menopause enduced hot flashes, urinary incontinence, vaginal halitosis, wearing orthopedic shoes and adult diapers, riding around on a rascal all fucking hunch backed and osteoporosis-ized and shit. and i keep yelling - 'till death do us part - fucking kill me please!!!!' no thanks. whoah, that got weird for a minute.

love - someday someone is going to add up the cost of that particular illusion

mozzer monday - my life is a succession of people saying goodbye

2011-06-14T02:37:00.007+01:00

it's only a matter of time until you look around and all you have left is you.

UPDATE
that first statement may be a bit of an exaggeration...maybe you look around and all you have left is yourself, a pile of empty pabts blue ribbon cans, a quarter bottle of ketel one, an empty box of nicotine patches, half a dozen fire arms, and the escort section that you tore out of the yellow pages. or maybe you don't own those things and it really is just yourself, who knows? i suppose technically even if you did have all of those things it would still be just you - on account of those other things being, you know, inanimate objects. regardless, i have to say i'm surprised it took this long.

enough of that shit. back to top 5 lists next time.

mozzer monday - last night I dreamt that somebody loved me

2011-05-17T02:03:00.003+01:00

so it's been nearly two months since I quit smoking. granted I did have a 30 minute or so self righteous pity party in which I chained smoked half a $15 pack of stale newports sitting in the middle of the side walk on north capitol street during the middle of the day...but that's neither here nor there. so, courtesy of my uber-addictive personality i now have a full on addiction to nicotine patches. so much so that currently i'm wearing seven of the 'step one' 21mg patches, and strongly considering slappig on a few more. according to the box you're supposed to wear 'only one at a time' and move on to step two after two weeks. whatever the fuck ever. you're also not supposed to masturbate with a plastic grocery bag tied over your head - but what can i say? i like to live life on the edge. one of the many wonderful side effects of my newly accquired nicotine patch addiction, and there are many side effects which i'll cover another time, is vivid dreams. vivid dreams followed by insomnia. vivid dreams you ask? that sounds fucking amazing!!! not quite. the warning should say "vivid lame fucking dreams". for example i had a dream about this hot girl i used to really want to hook up with - but, instead of the two of us getting all liquored up and fucking like a couple of caged up jack rabbits in some secret research lab set up by the government to test the effects of mixing piles of viagra, extacy, and pabst blue ribbon...the two of us had a conversation about nail salons. yeah, pretty fucking lame. and to top it off, I haven't been able to sleep longer than three hours a night in over six weeks. and everyone wonders why i've been so god damned angry. well all that changed last night! while i wasn't able to sleep more than three hours, i had a bad ass dream! long story short, i got an email from dr. dre telling me he needed to make a reservation for his house keeper at my hotel - seemed completely normal to me. so naturally him and i become instant buddies and we start talking about how i almost bought a pair of his 'beats by dre.' headphones, but how i'm a 30 year old white boy who owes it to himself not to be walking around wearing 'beats by dre' headphones even though they sound ten times better than the pair i ended up buying, then i asked him when he was going to be in another movie because he totally kicked ass in training day (affleck - you the bomb in phantoms yo!). so then i asked him how many people come up to him on the street or anywhere random and give him their demo and how annoying that must be, at which point he starts to say yeah it's kinda crazy... and i cut him off to ask, what? if you guessed 'can i send you my demo?' than you are exactly right. so he asked me what I sound like and i remember exactly what i said -"i sound just like eminem - accept way angrier" then I woke up covered in sweat and nicotine patches and it was a mere two hours after i had gone to sleep - wide the fuck awake but completely exhausted. so 'last night I dreamt that i sent my demo to dre' doesn't have quite the ring to it as the original.

why don't you sit there and bleed a while before you feel some real pain

2011-05-10T03:47:00.003+01:00

i been pumping pussy since christ was a corporal. i can tell you, the best damned poontang I ever paid for was in da nang. the girls were checked out daily and we got ourself laid in a safe, orderly, proficient, military manner. that is until some suckhead writes home to mama and says he dipped his wick in the republic of south vietnam. then the shit hits the fan. a committee of congressmen who asshole to asshole couldn't make a beer fart in a whirlwind, start telling your basic-ass-in-the-grass marine " no more short time ". we responded in true marine corps fashion. we salute, do an about face, double time back to the boom-boom garbage dump where we get the clap, and the drip, and the crabs and a generally poor attitude towards the female of the species. war is hell, boy - that's a fact!

i don't like soldier boys

say what?

if you wanna pop that puppy's can you don't have to grease him so hard, jarhead.

well, it sounds like you're a man of experience.

what the hell's that supposed to mean, grunge shit.

it means: ve advised. i'm mean, nasty and tired. i eat concertina wire and piss napalm and I can put a round in a flea's ass at 200 meters. so you go hump somebody else's leg, mutt face, before I push yours in.

ain't gonna be so smart with your balls stuffed in your mouth, jarhead!

[hands cigar to the young man] hang on to this, boy. i think war's just been declared.

i'm in a glass case of emotion

2011-04-29T15:05:00.003+01:00

lee greenwood can suck my ass...

2011-04-29T02:38:00.004+01:00

holy shit balls. baseball is fucking boring. pair that with some fat fuck who thinks that standing up when they play 'proud to be an american' makes him the biggest patriot since...who was that fucker that said - one if by land, two if by sea? that guy, regardless - fuck him. fuck him and his fat ass one cheeseburger away from a wheelchair fucking wife. and if you're a baseball fan - fuck you too. that felt good.

UPDATE: it's Paul Revere..it's tough trying to remember historical events when you're writting a post on your phone while sitting at a picnic table at nationals park drunk and angry.

and the truth shall set you free...or some shit

2011-04-20T15:38:00.003+01:00

i hate reading a blog, and after the author doesn't update for a while they write something like 'i'm back! I'm going to start updating again!'. fuck those people. but, at the same time 'i'm back bitches! and I am going to start updating again'. it's either this - or prison, and as surprising as this may sound - i am not a fan of unwanted shower sex, so it'll have to be blogging. you'll be happy to know i have a whole new set of issues so you can look forward to a slew of self loathing mozzer mondays, self depricating phil fridays, and the occasional cry for help. who am I kidding? this whole blog has been one big cry for help, but that's neither here nor there. just to wet your appetite here is a quick recap of what you can expect now that i've made my triumphant return, clearly it's going to be all about me- including, but not limited to:
-i'm a disaster
-i'm ridiculously insecure
-i over compensate for my insecurities by being an asshole
-i shouldn't be upset about this girl from last evening - but I am
-as much as i hate relationships - I was actually really in to her
-sometimes i wish that i actually believed the things that I said
-quitting smoking has made me angrier than usual
-i never take responsibility for my actions
-i have abandonment issues
-secretly i like depriving myself of things
-i love attention more than anything in the world, way beyond the point of it being healthy
-i'm not truly happy unless i'm depressed
-and recently i've had the overwhelming feeling that I'm destined to die alone, and that's probably going to be sooner than I'd like
-did i mention i'm a disaster already?

well that felt good. now - who needs a drink?

how does a mustache help in combat?

2011-04-08T12:33:00.003+01:00

you see, the enemy sees that mustache, they can't not get a boner. Giving the enemy a boner is half the battle.

cpl. matthew commons

2011-03-04T17:38:00.001Z

United States Army Corporal Matthew Commons
18 February 1981 - 4 March 2002

On March 4, 2002, Private First Class Matthew Allen Commons, was killed in Afghanistan on mission to rescue another U.S. soldier captured by al-Qaeda fighters.

Corporal Commons was the youngest of the seven American soldiers killed March 4, 2002, in the battle for Takur Ghar. Commons was on board one of two Chinook helicopters attempting to rescue Navy Seal Petty Officer 1st Class Neil Roberts who had fallen from another helicopter and been captured by three al-Qaeda fighters.

PFC Commons was posthumously promoted to Corporal and awarded the Bronze Star for Valor, the Meritorious Service Medal, and the Purple Heart.

Washington Post Feature
American Profile Article
Life Magazine
1/75 Ranger Memorial Page

phil friday - an odd review of no jacket required

2010-10-15T21:09:00.008+01:00

I thought I was to the point where I no longer found the Hitler reacts to insert whatever current scandal is occuring at the moment subtitle parodies from Downfall - but I'm not going to lie to you, this one amused me greatly. And while No Jacket Required is far from my favorite Phil album, the assertion that all his songs should be upbeat couldn't be further off base. The album was good enough to win the Grammy award for album of the year and even managed to bump the Smiths Meat is Murder from the number one position on the UK Album Charts.

who the heck told you that wearing a grey suit...

2010-10-15T21:03:00.004+01:00

would mask your failure as a human being? Not the best effort from the special one, and I have to admit that the close up on pupet José is a bit creepy - but nice to have the show back. Be Champions - bitches!

mozzer monday - ian mcculloch on morrissey

2010-10-11T06:21:00.004+01:00

Good luck trying to decipher Echo & the Bunnymen front man Ian McCulloch's tale of a meeting with Morrissey that took place during a co-interview. From what I can gather McCulloch ordered duck and Morrissey said there was a 'chasm' between Liverpool and Manchester...and McCulloch didn't know what 'chasm' meant. That about sums up the coherent portion of the video. Enjoy:

some stories are better left untold

2010-10-09T00:01:00.000+01:00

So today is the lovely PJ Harvey's forty-first birthday. This is less about her and more about my favorite subject - me. Some trips down memory lane are better than others. And some trips remind you that you're a disgusting, disaster of a human being. Sometimes you read that google books has digitized the cover of every SPIN magazine since it's inception and you start to peruse the covers until you get to the May 1995 cover. And then it hits you. A memory you'd long since repressed. That once upon a time you rubbed one out to that very cover. Which wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the supporting details. That in June of 1995, you had a hand party to that cover whilst sitting in the car...in your grandmother's driveway. And slowly you come to the realization that not only are you a disaster of a human being, a disgusting miscreant, incapable of functioning within modern society - but that you've been this way longer than you'd care to remember.

phil friday - the people's champion?

2010-10-08T17:34:00.005+01:00

Phil Collins vs. the Ultimate Warrior. Some would argue that picture needs no explanation, most would say 'what the shit was that?'. From a website I never thought I'd visit, wrestlecrap.com comes the following:

One of the bonus features on the DVD was an actual NBC special from (I believe 1991). It's an hour-long special containing cameo appearances by a virtual who's-who of early 90's stars... Weird Al, John Candy, Bruce Willis, and John Travolta just to name a few. The special is ridiculousy bad. See, the concept of the Phil Collins special, "Seriously," is a bunch of network executives (Gilbert Gotfried, Vanessa Williams, and I think Vincent Pastore) are trying to come up with a concept for Phil Collins special... Seriously. They think of a number of failed ideas including making the special a children's-themed country show. The tried remaiking "Singin' in the Rain" with a big band... No Dice. They even tried performing on a currently-sinking Titanic, less concerned with their impending deaths than finishing up "Just Another Day in Paradise." My particular favorite (aside from Hellwig's) is Phil donning a fat sweatsuit and rapping "Don't Lose My Number" with fellow fat boys Ed Lover and Dr. Dre. Then the execs have a breakthrough, which is where the attached video picks up.

Enjoy bitches:

phil friday - phil collins would rather you not send him your awful lyrics

2010-09-24T19:05:00.007+01:00

I have not been able to give your lyrics the time they deserve. Can I suggest that you use your song writing ability to provide you with an emotional outlet and keep it as a hobby? This would save you months of getting the run-around from publishers, etc.

I can't recall how I came across this letter, however it is a classic. It also saved me from paying the postage on the notebook of songs I've been writting in the hopes of one day having my life imortalized through the dulcet tones and drum solo of Philip Collins.

and i'm sure our relationship would be a real home run...

2010-09-16T21:25:00.015+01:00

"In a lot of ways, YES, I do love him. But that is not a love letter in the way that you're thinking of it. Ok? There's nothing sexual."
The return of it's Always Sunny. Far and away the best show on television. In honor of the show's triumphant return, I'll be writing letters to my top five man crushes.

#5 - George Clooney
This was the toughest one for me to decide on. It was a toss up between Clooney and The Stath. Clearly there is the fact that I wish I was British, however, Clooney's full head of hair beats Statham's baldness ten times out of ten. No matter how many times he rolls around shirtless in motor oil, one simple fact always prevails: hair > no hair. And I suppose you can't have an argument and say that George Clooney is more attractive than most women and not include him in my list of man crushes.

#4 - Tom Brady
Long before he was TB12 - crashing his Audi where ever he damn well pleased, breaking up with 10's to date 12's, and even captain of your Midland Barnburners, he was the dreamiest dreamboat to ever take the field in Ann Arbor.

#3 - José Mourinho
The Special One, so special I'm willing to overlook the fact that he's coaching Real Madrid. If he ever opts to coach Man U, he will no longer be appearing in this list.

#2 - John Cusack
The original Rob Gordon. Although, he does every man who is not him a giant disservice making movies like Say Anything, and Serendipity, giving women the unrealistic expectation that Lloyd Dobler and Jonathan Trager type men actually exist in real life. How are we supposed to get laid when he's out there making these movies?

#1 - Morrissey
(was there any doubt)

phil friday - dr. phil collins

2010-09-03T18:05:00.021+01:00

Who do you turn to when you need help crafting a break-up song? It's safe to say that few have experienced the turmoil of failed relationships more than Phil. His three marriages and subsequent divorce settlements have cost him nearly £42 million. But was all that heart ache, pain, and check writing for naught? According to Phil - No. In fact he credits his first divorce for the direction his solo career took which according to phil would have been jazz-rock focused had his relationship with Andrea Bertorelli not ended. The first song inspired by his divorce was the epic, Against All Odds. And who among us hasn't dropped a girlfriend off at the airport and spent the entire drive home sobbing like a little girl with a skinned knee and listening to that song on repeat? Anyways...I stumbled upon this radio show last week, and although it's a few years old, it's worth a listen.

After a bad break-up, Starlee Kine finds so much comfort in break-up songs that she tries to write one herself, and gets help from Phil Collins.

It wasn't until hearing the host and Phil both describe their breakups that I came to a startling revelation. My favorite part of any relationship, ever, has always been the end. My favorite part is the breakup. What's better than the self loathing feeling you get after a really bad heart break? Nothing makes me feel more alive than listening to Air Supply's All Out of Love, Against All Odds, Will Never Marry, followed by the entire catalog of Dashboard Confessional. There's no better feeling than sitting on your living room floor, unshaven and un-showered for days - filling your empty bottle of Ketel One with your own tears of regret. Watching High Fidelity and Swingers for hours upon lonely hours. Losing it all. Faith. Self Dignity. About fifteen pounds. (Side note, if swimsuit season is right around the corner, and you want to tighten up that core - go ahead and breakup with your girlfriend, you'll have six pack abs before you know it) I suppose you could make the argument that if you're the one instigating the break up it won't have the same effect. Sabotaging relationships, that's the way to go. I'm a little upset that I'm not in a position to be dumped right now. Depressing music never sounds better than when you're truly depressed. But enough about me, have a listen:
Dr. Phil Collins

Original story at Public Radio International.

mozzer monday - life is a pigsty

2010-08-30T15:39:00.004+01:00

“What's the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning? Wish I hadn't.”
If you're taking some time to just wallow in self pity, regret, and despair there's no better soundtrack than Life is a Pigsty. When you try to vocalize your current state of mind and the only thing you can come up with is a constant and repetitive 'FUCK' mixed in with the occasional 'Fuck me' it's clearly time to leave it to Morrissey. Plus, with a gun barrel between your teeth, you speak only in vowels...and no one wants to hear that.

buffett concert or disney roadtrip?

2010-08-27T18:18:00.007+01:00

There are few things in life I hate more than one James William Buffett. If the question 'would you rather?' was posed and behind door A was attending a Jimmy Buffett concert, I'm choosing door B every fucking time. Eat a steaming pile of feces left by some meth-head vagrant in an alley in south east DC or wear a Jimmy Buffet World Tour t-shirt for a night? Pass the fork and knife. Drink a vial of full blown aids or attend a Buffet Concert? They're bound to find a cure one of these days, I'll take my chances with the AIDS. Jimmy Buffet heads my top five bands or musicians who will have to be shot come the musical revolution list, and the only thing worse than Jimmy Buffett himself is his band of anoying 'parrothead' fans. This conversation started when a co-worker of mine sent an all-staff email offering her three tickets to see Jimmy Buffett in concert for their face value which was an astonishing $471.00. That being said, I found something far worse than attending a Jimmy Buffet concert: a car trip from Washington, DC to Orlando Florida in a mini-van with an overly-obsessed disney fanatic and his family. You can follow every excruciatingly painful, monotonous, inconsequential rambling here, although I wouldn't recommend it, or if you're curious which toilet he just defecated in and promptly checked-in via 4square on twitter.

Rob Gordon: alright opie, i've got one for you...
would you rather
ride with nips and family all the way from DC to Disney
or
attend a jimmy buffet concert?
Celluloid Hero: oh man that is tough. do i have to remain sober for both?
Rob Gordon: well, you'd have to remain sober for the car ride...the concert no
Celluloid Hero: so i could technically get black out drunk and pass out
Rob Gordon: technically speaking, i suppose you could, but for the spirit of the argument lets say you can get a nice drunk going- but not david hasselhoff late night cheeseburger drunk
Celluloid Hero: hmm, can i get drunk in the parking lot and just go in for jimmy buffet? or do i have to sit through all the opening acts?
Rob Gordon: hmm, one would think that the opening acts would be better than buffet, unless it was like Nickelback opening for Buffet, but i'll allow you to go in for the tail end of the opening act, get in your seats by the opening song HOWEVER no leaving early
and you couldn't bring your ipod to the concert
you'd have to listen to it, first five rows too
you have to witness the awfulness (if that's a word) that is James Buffet for 90+ minutes, plus encore
and no starting fights with the parrott heads
Celluloid Hero: i will go with buffett. a sober, 12-14 hour car ride full of Disney would cause me to eat a bullet.
Rob Gordon: i think i'd have to agree with you
Celluloid Hero: because you know they're watching disney movies all the way down.
Rob Gordon: as awful as seeing and hearing jimmy buffet would be, it pales in comparison to a 12 hour ride with Nips being all giddy - nipples fully erect for the entire ride, and his screaming kids
Rob Gordon: Nips’ wife is 4squaring it up on twitter now, the end is near...
Celluloid Hero: and a wife of a friend of mine does the 4square. @CVS. @Exxon. @Costco. @Wal-Mart. @Home.
Rob Gordon: thankfully, nips is the only one i know that does that shit
i have a feeling that facebook places is going to have the same effect on me as you mentioned - people are so fucking annoying
Celluloid Hero: im pretty sure 4square was started so you can say ‘hey I’m at this cool bar.’ not so that you could become the mayor ofChipotle in fucking Gainsville
Celluloid Hero: oh wow
@rwhitneyjr: Kids subjected to original, broadway and bluegrass versions of Circle of Life. #roadtrip10
Rob Gordon: how long until one of them tries to jimmy the door open and jump to his death?
i say before they hit the GA state line
Celluloid Hero: i just tweeted before the SC line
Rob Gordon: hmm, it doesn't take long to get through NC, but you may just be correct
dude!!! we should call in an amber alert on Nips...what type of van does he drive?
Celluloid Hero: honda odyssey
'09
blue?
Rob Gordon: did he buy it from Jefferson Steercock?
can we get the license plates?
Celluloid Hero: he bought it in VA. tysons honda
Rob Gordon: damn it
Celluloid Hero: i'm asking Jefferson Steercock
Rob Gordon: "PLEASE RT: Amber Alert - 2009 Blue Honda Odyssey w/VA plates, last seen heading south on I-95 in NC"
Celluloid Hero: L-O-L
bluegrass disney was heard blasting from the inside
Rob Gordon: haha i'm tempted to tweet it, however i just looked there is an actual @amberalert on twitter, don't want it to get out of hand, have the police get involved and shit

i am going to cold call your kids

2010-08-26T17:36:00.002+01:00

and tell them their dad was murdered at work today by one of his employees.
This is every conversation I have ever had with a boss rolled into one, now...where did I put my starbucks giftcard?

there's a name for being this pathetic...and it's kevin

2010-08-20T15:12:00.007+01:00

My favorite part of the iPhone is the fact that you can pretty much save every text message you've ever sent. Aside from being a plethora of incriminating evidence, it does provide the occasional laugh, like when you find a text message that says "there is no way this is the broad that likes her asshole eaten" with absolutely no context. I had planned on going through the past three years of text messaging and doing a top 5 list, however, whatever may or may not be stored on my phone pales in comparison to the gem that was bestowed upon me last night. I'll be the first to say, I've done some pathetic shit in my life. Has it been as pathetic as this? No. Well, no with an asterisk. There is the possibility that among the many memories that I have suppressed there is a situation that occurred in which I was this pathetic; but if that is in fact true, I don't remember it, so, therefore, it never happened. I'm pretty confident that I've never begged for sex. Pretty certain. And I'm fairly certain that if I was inclined to beg for sex, it wouldn't be via text message. (Here's a quick tip - never leave a paper trail.) And if a certain situation occurred in which I was a little, let's say - over eager, and had a 'misfire' you would never, ever in a million years, get me to admit to it. And finally, never include both your first and last name on something this pitiful. It's like when Mikey is leaving his sixth message for Nikki, and then decides to throw in....'this is Mike'. Funny? Yes. Unnecessary? You bet. That being said, enjoy what has to be the most pathetic three text message in the history of text messaging:

no one saw that one coming...

2010-08-16T17:33:00.006+01:00

As much as I love Elvis's music, I love the legend of Elvis just as much. The excessiveness, his pet monkey, his addiction to pain killers, his TV glasses, his entourage wrapping his gut in saran wrap so he could fit in his jump suits. That's why I can't imagine it was any surprise when he turned up dead after choking on his own Kingly vomit thirty-three years ago today. As an Elvis fan, tonight I'll be dining on one of the King's favorite meals, the Fool's Gold Loaf. The ingredients couldn't be any simpler:

1 loaf italian white bread
1 stick of butter
1 jar of peanut butter
1 jar of grape jelly
1 pound of bacon

Legend has it that Elvis was so enamoured by the sandwich that clocks in at anywhere between 8,000 and 42,000 calories that he would go to any length to enjoy the tasty coronary inducing treat:

On the night of February 1, 1976, Elvis Presley was at his home Graceland in Memphis, Tennessee, entertaining Capt. Jerry Kennedy of the Denver, Colorado, police force, and Ron Pietrafeso of Colorado's Strike Force Against Crime. The three men began discussing the sandwich, and Elvis decided he wanted one right then. The Mine Company was a five-star restaurant known for its rip-roaring parties and as the 'place' to be seen at the time. Elvis had been to the restaurant before, while in Denver.

Kennedy and Pietrafeso were friends of the owners and hung out there often, so they were driven to the Memphis airport and boarded Elvis's private jet, the Lisa Marie, and flew the two hours to Denver. When they arrived in Denver at 1:40 AM, the plane taxied to a special hangar where the passengers were greeted by Buck Scott, the owner of the Colorado Mine Company, and his wife Cindy who had brought 22 fresh Fool's Gold Loaves for the men. They spent three hours in the hangar eating the sandwiches, washing them down with Perrier and champagne. Presley invited the pilots of the plane, Milo High and Elwood Davis, to join them. When they were done, they flew back to Memphis without ever having left the airport.

mozzer monday - pregnant for the last time

2010-08-16T15:40:00.009+01:00

2010 has been an interesting year, and by interesting I mean it has sucked ass. But sometimes just when you think things have bottomed out, life has a way of slapping the living shit out of you and reminding you that things can always get worse. And although this doesn't involve me in any direct way, the selfish side of me can't help but think how this is going to inconvenience and negatively effect me in the long run. More over though, I'm astounded by the mentality of certain people, and by astounded I mean my mind is fucking blown, and by certain people I mean women, and by women I mean Rob Gordon Jr's mother. Apparently, deciding that you want to get pregnant by your douchebag, speech impediment having boyfriend whom you just moved in with two months ago because your crazy ass welfare ridden sister, who already has five kids from five different fathers, and your sister-in-law are both pregnant and you just can't be the one left out of that group - is the newest trend. It's the new hot shit - everyone is doing it! There is, however, a more time honored tradition, a trend that has been in existence much longer than making some ill-advised 'pregnancy pact' with friends and relatives, one that has stood since the dawn of time, since the first troglodyte knocked up his neanderthal lady friend. That is of course, telling the ass clown who knowingly agreed to go along with your misguided plans of having another child that you were in fact succesful and pregnant, and having him promptly break up with you and telling you to move out.

wikipedia explains the hottness from 1994

2010-07-26T18:46:00.005+01:00

I read somewhere that information on wikipedia is more correct than encyclopedia britanica. Do they even publish encyclopedia's any longer? It's insane the speed in which the internet nerd community updates pages, it wasn't three seconds after Gio Van Bronckhorst scored against Uruguay in the semi-finals that some parent's basement dwelling mouth breather had already updated his international goal stats on wiki. Regardless, I present the best wiki entry of all time, in which the Warren G song 'regulate' is explained in a meticulous fashion that even your grandmother could understand. And while this did make me l-o-l, it simultaneously made me ashamed to be white:

On a cool, clear night, typical in Southern California, Warren G is travelling around his neighbourhood, searching for women to have sex with. He's chosen to engage in this pursuit alone.

Nate Dogg, however, has just arrived in Long Beach, seeking Warren. Ironically, Nate passes a car full of women who are excited to see him. He insists to the women that there's no cause for the excitement.

Warren makes a left at 21st Street and Lewis, where he sees a group of young men enjoying a game of dice together. He parks his car and accosts them, excited to find people to play with, but is chagrined when he discovers they intend to pilfer him of his material possessions. Once the hopeful thieves reveal their firearms, Warren realizes he is in a considerable predicament.

Meanwhile, Nate is trying to avoid the women who saw him earlier. He ventures that some of them are prostitutes, and he isn't interested in prostitutes at the moment. After curtly brushing off the strumpets (whose interest in Nate was such that they crashed their automobile), he serendipitously stumbles upon his friend being held up by the young miscreants.

Warren, unaware that Nate Dogg is surreptitiously observing the scene unfold, is in disbelief that he's being robbed. The perpetrators have taken jewellery items and a name brand designer watch from Warren, who is so incredulous that he asks what else the robbers would like to steal. This is most likely a rhetorical question.

Observing these unfortunate proceedings, Nate realizes that he may have to use his firearm in order to deliver his friend from the thieves.

Despite Long Beach's reputation for crime, Warren can't believe that a hold up would happen in this area, especially to him. As he imagines himself escaping through supernatural means, he catches a glimpse of his friend, Nate.

Nate has seventeen bullets to expend on the group of thieves and he uses many of them. Afterwards, he generously shares with Warren the credit for neutralizing the situation, though clearly Nate did all of the hard work. In fact, Nate quickly reminds himself that he has committed multiple homicides to save Warren before letting his friend know that there are females nearby if he wishes to fornicate with them.

Warren recalls that it was the potential for copulation for which he'd ventured out into the night in the first place, and is thankful that Nate knows where there are women, who may or may not be prostitutes.

Nate quickly finds the women he'd left before, and remarks to one that he is fond of her physical dimensions. She comes up with a phony excuse about her car having mechanical issues in order to persuade Nate and Warren to allow her to come with them. Soon, both friends are driving with a car full of women to the Eastside Hotel, presumably for an orgy.

The third verse is more expository, with Warren and Nate explaining their G Funk musical style. Nate displays his bravado by claiming that anyone with the same amount of knowledge as himself would not even attempt to approach his level of lyrical mastery. He also notes that if any third party smokes like he does, they would find themselves in a state of intoxication every day. From Nate's other works, it can be inferred that the substance being smoked is marijuana. Nate concludes his delineation of the night by issuing a vague threat to "busters," suggesting that he and Warren will further "regulate" any potential situations in the future (presumably by Nate engaging their enemies in a battle of small arms fire, while Warren watches and shares credit afterwards).

how the shit is beck 40?

2010-07-08T14:26:00.006+01:00

How the fuck is the genius who gave the world MTV makes me wanna smoke crack turning forty today? Hard to believe that the man who wrote Satan Gave Me a Taco, the best song about doing nitrous and smoking broken pencils -fume, and of course Truck Driving Neighbor Downstairs is forty years old today. If you know me, you know my personal favorite song Beck ever wrote is the quintessential slow jam, light a candle - turn the lights down low, most baby making-est song ever written: Debra. It's only fitting that when Sandra Bullock introduces him, she's sporting a proper case of 'just fucked hair'. In honor of Beck's fortieth birthday, I wanna send this out long distance dedication, Delilah After Dark style to a special jewish lady and her smoking hot sister, who's name I can't recall, on the West Coast. I wanna take you up to Glendale, mmmmm, take you for a real good meal.

clearly i'm not the special one's biggest fan...

2010-07-07T14:42:00.004+01:00

When it comes to being José Mourinho's number one fan boy, apparently I have some stiff competition. The pressure of playing in a Champions League Final coupled with ninety plus minutes of sitting on the bench with the Special One proved to be too much for Inter fullback Marco Materazzi. Credit to the third kit and another website I'm ashamed to have visited and may or may not have clicked on every single link.

it's time to go america all over everyone's ass

2010-07-04T00:01:00.000+01:00

happy birthday America:

first we invented the sport. then we invented how to ruin it

2010-07-01T15:40:00.002+01:00

"we are the biggest scum bags the world has ever seen"

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

World Cup 2010: Into Africa - Vuvuzealots

www.thedailyshow.com

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Tea Party

know your foe - ghana

2010-06-25T14:39:00.001+01:00

"Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible cunt..."

After beating Algeria in dramatic fashion in their final group match, the United States faces Ghana Saturday at Royal Bafokeng Stadium in Rustenburg, South Africa. The multi-use stadium was site of one of the American's greatest victories, when they beat Egypt three - nil a little over a year ago in their final group match at the 2009 FIFA Confederations Cup. 'The Revenge in Rustenburg' (stolen from the twitter account of Ives Galarcep) is also a rematch of the 2006 World Cup final match which saw Ghana defeat the US 2-1 to prevent the Americans from advancing out of the group of death into the round of 16. Thus far in 2010, Ghana is the only African team left standing after group play; finishing second in group D after beating Serbia 1-0, drawing Australia 1-1, and a 0-1 loss to zee Germans. The United States enters the match having gone undefeated in group play, and winning their group for the first time since 1930, drawing England 1-1, Slovenia 2-2, and defeating Algeria 1-0.

Ghana
The word Ghana means Warrior King and was the title bestowed upon the kings of the medieval West African Ghana Empire which sits approximately 500 miles north of present day Ghana. Like much of the 'cradle of fucking civilization' the land occupied by Ghana has been inhabited since 1500 BC. It remained the Ghana Empire until the Portuguese came in search of, what else, gold, ivory, and slaves in the late 1400's. The Portuguese found so much gold that word quickly spread and they were joined by the French, Dutch, Swedes, Danes, and Brits. The French nicknamed the area 'Cote d'Ivoire' and today Ghana is bordered by the Ivory Coast. At one point the Europeans built so many forts along the Gold Coast that it contained the highest concentration of European military architecture outside of Europe. By the end of the 19th century only the Dutch and British remained and following the withdrawal of the Dutch in 1874, Ghana became a British colony. Following the end of World War II, there was an increased movement towards independence in Ghana, and finally on March 6, 1957 Ghana became the first democratic country in Africa to gain its independence. Present day Ghana encompasses over 92,000 square miles, has a population of around 24 million, and is the world's second largest producer of cocoa.

History
Having been inhabited by Europeans, Ghana was introduced to soccer in the 19th century. Prior to gaining it's independence the Gold Coast Amateur Sports Council was founded in 1952. Ohene Djan fought his way to power in the Sports Council and when Ghana won it's independence in 1957 he was charged with creating the Ghana Football Association. Under his leadership he created what is now the Ghana Premier League as well as convincing former Leeds United forward George Ainsley to become the National Team's first head coach. Since it's inception Ghana has appeared in 17 African Nation's Cups winning four (1963, 1965, 1978, 1982) and are currently appearing in their second World Cup Final. Their first World Cup Finals appearance, 2006, saw Ghana drawn into the group of death along with the United States, Italy, and the Czech Republic. The Black Stars lost their opening match to Italy two - nil, before beating the Czechs two - nil. Ghana and the United States both entered the final group match needing a win to advance. Haminu Draman scored in the 22nd minute giving Ghana a 1-0 lead. When Claudia Reyna went down in the 40th minute, and none other than Ben Olsen came on for the US, it appeared the Americans were poised for a come back win and in the 43rd minute Clint Dempsey notched the only American goal, and ensuing cha-cha, of the tournament drawing the US level. After the break, a phantom call on Gooch, in the 47th minute led to Stephen Appiah converting a penalty against Kasey Keller and a 2-1 win for the Black Stars. They lost in the round of 16, drawing group F winners Brazil and falling three - nil. Ghana's U-20 team exacted their revenge, beating Brazil on penalties in the finals of the 2009 FIFA U-20 World Cup.

Flag, National Anthem, & Nickname
The Flag of Ghana was designed by Theodosia Okoh to replace the British flag upon their independence in 1957. It features red, gold, and green horizontal stripes as well as a five pointed black star. The red represents the blood of those who died in the country's struggle for independence, the gold represents the mineral wealth of the country, the green symbolises the country's rich forests and natural wealth. The black star, also the team's nickname, pays homage to the Black Star shipping line founded by Marcus Garvey in the early 1900's. 'God Bless Our Homeland Ghana' has served as the Black Star's national anthem since gaining it's independence. It originally contained the line 'The gay star shining in the sky', however that was a little to homo-erotic for the Africans and has since been changed.

Coach
Frenchman Claude Le Roy led Ghana to a #14 overall FIFA ranking in 2008 before abruptly resigning to coach....Oman? Really? After a brief search for a new head coach, former Red Star Belgrade manager Milovan Rajevac was named gaffer in August 2008. As a player, he was a defender at Red Star Belgrade, capped by the former Yugoslavia and in the squad that reached the 1979 UEFA Cup final. While his appointment as manager of the national team was met with some skepticism, most fans calling for a home grown leader, and with his english skills so poor that he speaks to players through a translator, his stock soon soared as Ghana won it's first four matches under his watch with out conceding a single goal. His allegiances were called in to question when Ghana was drawn into the same group as his native country, Serbia, however a one-nil defeat in their opening group match quickly answered any questions Black Star's fans may have had.

Captain
The Black Stars are captained by US Nemesis Stephen Appiah. Appiah has had the arm band since qualification for the 2006 World Cup and converted the penalty kick against the US that ultimately put them out during the tournament's group stage. Appiah began his playing career at Hearts of Oak in the Ghanian Premier League before stints at Udinese Calcio, Juventus, Fenerbahçe S.K., and currently Bologna of Serie A. Prior to transfering to Bologna Appiah was a trialist with Tottenham, however, the Spurs declined to sign him after questions concerning his fitness arose. Appiah has long suffered from knee injuries, combined with his poor fitness he's only appeared in two matches for Bologna since signing in 2009. Despite this, Appiah has remained a main-stay for the Black Stars, earning 66 caps and notching 16 goals since his first team debut as a 16 year old in 1996.

Roster
Ghana plays very defensive-minded footie. Since his appointment as manager Rajevac has reversed their trend of conceding cheap goals and likes to pack the midfield, typically employing a 4-5-1 formation. He has at times experimented with more attacking and more defensive line-ups, and even the 4-5-1 tends to look more like a 4-4-2 when they are on the attack, but the emphasis is generally on the centre of the field. The majority of the Black Star's current roster were not on the roster that beat the US 2-1 in Nuremberg, the average age of the squad is a young 24. The most notable omission from their roster is Chelsea midfielder Michael Essien who tore a hamstring in December of 2009 at the African Cup of Nations and has yet to regain full fitness. Starting in goal is vice-captain and back up goal tender for Wigan Athletic, Richard Kingson. Kingston has appeared in 81 matches for the Black Stars and even notched a goal in the final minutes of a draw with Tanzania going end to end to head in a free kick by his brother, mid-fielder - Laryea Kingston. The defense is anchored by John Mensah (Lyon), not to be confused with Jonathan Mensah (Granada CF - Spanish Segunda), who is of no relation to "John Mensah", wears Jonathan on his kit to avoid confusion, and Hans Sarpei (Bayer Leverkusen) at central defense. On the right side former West Hammer, and current deuce teammate at Fulham - John Paintsil. Paintsil was heavily criticized after pulling an Isreali flag from his sock and waving it following the team's 2-0 defeat of the Czech Republic at the 2006 World Cup, leaving local newspapers to claim he was a "Mossad Agent"(Painstil played his club ball for Hapoel Tel Aviv in the Israeli Premier League at the time). At mid-field: Kevin-Prince-Boateng (Portsmouth) who grew up in Berlin and is a distant relative of West German hero Helmut Rahn who scored the winning goal at the 1954 World Cup. Despite playing for the German team at a youth level, Boateng was left off the senior German roster making him eligible to appear for the Black Stars; Nephew of UN Secretary General Kofi Annan - Anthony Annan (Rosenborg BK, Norway); Kwadwo Asamoah (Udinese); and son of legendary Ghanaian striker Abedi Pele André 'Dédé' Ayew (Marseille) who captained the U-20 Black Stars to the gold medal in the 2009 African Youth Cup. At striker Ghana typically pairs, club teammate of Carlos Bocanegra, Asamoah Gyan (Rennes) with Prince Tagoe (TSG 1899 Hoffenheim). Gyan poses the biggest scoring threat having notched 21 goals in 42 starts for the Black Stars, most recently scoring twice in the group stages of the tournament.

Prediction
There is no reason to think the US can't win this match. Ghana has failed to score a goal in the run of play, relying on penalty kicks to score both their goals in group play. The question is whether the US can recover from the emotional roller coaster that saw them three minutes shy of not reaching the round of 16, and ensuing dog pile/stanky leg celebration of Landon Donovan's strike in the 91st minute of Wednesday's match. The US is completely capable of exacting their revenge against the team that sent them packing in the 2006 finals by pouring on three or four goals, but will we see the team that looked like world beaters in the second half against Slovenia? Or the team that got off to slow starts in all three group stage matches? Bradley will have the team ready, and I'm going to say the US prevails 3-1.

two gentlemen enjoy a footie match

2010-06-24T20:17:00.018+01:00

Since the foggy monocle is out of business apparently, here's what happens when two gentlemen are forced to watch the all too pivotal third group stage match at work. WARNING - pants will be ruined:

5th minute

Rob Gordon: chippy start
Celluloid Hero: jesus just finish this shit
and fucking bornstein?!
Rob Gordon:yeah dude, positive thinking, positive thinking...
Celluloid Hero: i'm trying to remain calm
Rob Gordon: yeah, we shall prevail
12th minute
Celluloid Hero: listened to metallica's "don't tread on me" on the way in! im pumped!
thats right yellow card!
Rob Gordon: #19 for algeria is swole the fuck up!

Celluloid Hero: he looks like the original bruno
20th minute
Rob Gordon: the deuce!
how did gomez miss that?
22nd minute
Rob Gordon: deuce!!!!
we get fucked again
Celluloid Hero: offsides?
fuck england scored.
Rob Gordon: was it wazza?
Celluloid Hero: another botched call by the refs
31st minute
Celluloid Hero: what the fuck dude. this is pathetic.
Rob Gordon: we're a second half team - keep the faith
plus i've got jozy scoring in about 3 minutes
Celluloid Hero: haha
nice moves by Stevie C!
34th minute
Rob Gordon: yessir
we'll get one don't worry
bocanegra is so dreamy
Rob Gordon:dempsey great chance
poor finish Celluloid Hero: i have the sound all the way up on my phone!
Rob Gordon: haha
fuccckkkk
35th minute
Rob Gordon: that would have been jozy in the 35th!
open fucking net
Celluloid Hero: fucking fred sub in?
Rob Gordon: haha
45th minute
Rob Gordon: our first touches have been awful
Half Time
Rob Gordon: does bradley make half time changes?
dempsey at striker?
feildhaber for obama?
let's hope this pays off
46th minute
Celluloid Hero: fuck i'm stressing out
Rob Gordon: never, ever thought i'd type this:
but I would have liked to have seen buddle in the first half
Celluloid Hero: oh definitely. he and jozy play well together.
49th minute
Rob Gordon: donovan needs to get involved
we play best when he's going box to box
Celluloid Hero: who doesnt like going box to box?
Rob Gordon: haha
unless it's at an atlantic city strip club apparently
Celluloid Hero: oh god that was foul
im just sticking to vegas strip clubs or none at all.
56th minute
Celluloid Hero: W-T-F
Rob Gordon: ughh
landon hasn't been involved in the match at all
64th minute
Celluloid Hero: about time buddle comes on
67th minute Rob Gordon: mother fucker!!!!!
71st minute
Celluloid Hero: lil joe cole in for rooney
74th minute
Rob Gordon: how many sitters can we blow?
75th minute
Celluloid Hero: now i'm just hoping for slovenia to go level.
82nd minute
Celluloid Hero: love how the ref misses the elbow to deuce
91st minute
Rob Gordon: i just came!!!
Celluloid Hero: holy fucking shit dude
Rob Gordon: group winners!
Celluloid Hero: saturday. 2:30
Rob Gordon: holy shit man!
talk about a nail biter
Celluloid Hero: holy fuck, i need a lucky strike right about now.
Rob Gordon: i need to go jerk off
Celluloid Hero: i need to celebrate tonight!
Rob Gordon: i want to start a damn riot!
Celluloid Hero: hmm..let me look up the algerian embassy
Rob Gordon: haha
wow, man - that was the longest 91 minutes ever
Celluloid Hero: its in adams morgan. actually right down the street from cypress hill
Rob Gordon: holy shit dude
unbelievable
these nips could cut a diamond right now
Celluloid Hero: yeah dude. i was about to put a noose around my neck and produce some ejaculate
great day. emotional day. i wonder what Robert Evans would think

officially retiring 'landy cakes'

2010-06-23T13:39:00.001+01:00

Countless blown chances, a disallowed goal by a questionable call, and ninety-one minutes to become champions of group C. Donovan had a quiet game before scoring the game winner in stoppage time against Algeria, and I'm officially removing the term 'Landy Cakes' from my vocabulary. Be Champions!

know your foe - algeria

2010-06-22T17:32:00.016+01:00

After a thrilling come from behind draw against Slovenia, in what should have been a 3-2 win, if not for a mugging at the hands of Malian official Koman Coulibaly; the US finds itself in a must win situation when it takes the pitch tomorrow at Loftus Versfeld Stadium in Pretoria, South Africa. The final match of the group stage pits the Americans (0-2-0, 2 points) against Algeria (0-1-1, 1 point). The Algerians opened group play losing one nil to group leader Slovenia (4 points) before drawing the English in a snoozer of a match zero - zero. Both sides will be looking for all three points as a draw or loss eliminates Algeria, the US on the other hand can still advance with a draw provided the English draw Slovenia. A loss for the US will send them packing for their second consecutive World Cup after a strong showing in 2002 where they advanced to the quarterfinals.

Algeria
In early times Algeria was very transitional, a halfway point for people moving west to Europe, or the heathens moving west to the Middle East. As the saying goes, Africa is the 'cradle of fucking civilization!' and present day Algeria has been inhabited since around 900 BC. In AD 24 the area was annexed by the Roman Empire and Christianity was spread until the arrival of the Arabs (no doubt looking for that oil) and ensuing spread of Islam in the eighth century. Algeria would remain Islamic until they tried to conquer the Spanish empire in the 1400's. Algeria along with Tripoli, and Tunisa were known as the Barbary states of the Ottoman Empire and their wide spread piracy of American merchant ships drew them into the first and second Barbary Wars with the United States(both battles won handily by the US). The modern day borders of Algeria were established by the French who invaded and seized Algeria in 1830 and it remained under French rule until the Guerre d'Algeria (Algerian War) in 1954. Algeria eventually was granted it's independence from France on July 5, 1962. Current President Abdelaziz Bouteflika came to power after the Algerian Civil War in the 1990's aided by the military, and has since pushed for a constitutional revision removing term limits and allowing him to run for a third term, an election which he promptly rigged, and won by a landslide.
History
The governing body of Algerian football, Fédération Algérienne de Football, was established the same year they gained Independence from the frogs and their first international match was played January 3, 1963 - a 2-1 defeat of Bulgaria. Algeria qualified for the 1982 World Cup, hosted in Spain, and despite beating runner up West Germany in their opening match 2-0, failed to move out of group play despite winning two of their three matches. After qualifying for the 1986 Finals in Mexico, Algeria was drawn into a group of death that included: Brazil, Spain, & Northern Ireland. After drawing Northern Ireland 1-1 on a goal from Djamel Zidane (no relation to Zinedine Zidane, despite his parents having emigrated from Algeria), they lost to Spain 3-0, and Brazil 1-0. Algeria and Egypt finished qualification for the 2010 World Cup Finals with identical records following a 2-0 defeat by the Egyptians in which three Algerian players were injured in Cairo from a mid-evil style stoning when fans stormed their bus,. The ensuing playoff was dubbed by some as 'the mother of all matches' given the tumultuous history the two countries share. Algeria ultimately won the match 1-0 in neutral Sudan to reach the tournament finals for the first time in 24 years. The Egyptians however, would get their revenge, courtesy of a 4-0 win in the semi-finals of the 2010 African Cup of Nations, a tournament Algeria won in 1990.

Flag, National Anthem, & Nickname
The National flag of Algeria consists of two equal vertical bars, green and white, with a red star and crescent (a symbol of Islam and the Muslim community) in the center. The white color represents peace; the green, the beauty of nature; the red, the blood of those killed fighting for independence in the Algerian War (1954 to 1962) and the star and crescent represent Islam. Although I've been told that Islam is a religion that preaches 'peace' I have a hard time believing it given that the first line in the Kassaman, the Algerian national anthem, goes a little something like this:
"We swear by the lightning that destroys, By the streams of generous blood being shed". It goes on to call France a bunch of pussies, something which I think we can all agree on, and a few uplifting lines about writing history with the blood of martyrs. Very inspiring... The nickname Les Fennecs or desert foxes comes not from German Field Marshall and war criminal Erwin Rommel, but the Fennec Fox which are indigenous to the northern Sahara Desert which runs through Algeria.

Coach
Rabah Saâdane has been head coach of Algeria no less than five separate times since initially becoming the boss in 1981. A former defender for French club Rennes his career was cut short by a car accident in 1973. Saâdane was an assistant coach during Algeria's 1982 Finals appearance, as well as head coach during their 1986 campaign. As part of his motivational techniques he reportedly had his players watch The Battle of Algiers, a 1966 film depicting the Algerian war against the French, following the sides 1-0 defeat by Slovenia. The US Government has also used the film to illustrate the problems the military faces in Iraq screening the film in 2003 with the headline: 'How to win a battle against terrorism and lose the war of ideas. Children shoot soldiers at point-blank range. Women plant bombs in cafes. Soon the entire Arab population builds to a mad fervor. Sound familiar? The French have a plan. It succeeds tactically, but fails strategically.' Sounds like a very inspiring flick.

Captain
The Desert Foxes are captained by mid-fielder, Yazid Mansouri, despite him not being a starter. The 32 year old has never scored in international play - appearing over 67 times in all competitions. The son of Algerian immigrants, Mansouri was born and brought up in the French town of Reims, the home to the champagne industry. Legend has it that he was spotted playing football in the street by a scout from the Le Havre club, who signed him on the spot. Yazid plays for FC Lorient in French Ligue 1, where he has notched an amazing one goal in 112 appearances. Following a disappointing result against Slovenia in the opening match, Yazid threatened to quit the team and went as far as returning to his hotel room to pack his bags, upon hearing the decision of head coach Rabah Saadane to not play him in the team's next match against England. Team officials were able to calm him down and despite being team captain for 10 years he has yet to appear in either of the desert foxes two matches.

Roster
Goal Keeper Faouzi Chaouchi made his first start with the national team in the decisive playoff match with Egypt, earning a clean sheet as well as helping the team qualify for it's first World Cup appearance in nearly a quarter century. The defence is anchored by central defender Antar Yahia from VfL Bochum in the second Bundesliga. Yahia achieved instant hero status in Algeria after his fortieth minute strike against Egypt carried the desert foxes to South Africa. He's joined in the back by Rangers defender and Maurice Edu/DeMarcus Beasley teammate Madjid Bougherra. Bougherra, who won the Scottish Premiere League goal of the season award for a solo effort during a 7-1 thrashing of Dundee United in December 2009. Rounding out the defense is Nadir Belhadj most recently returning from a loan at Portsmouth which saw him notch three goals in 32 appearances, and Rafik Halliche who plays in the Portuguese League for C.D. Nacional. The Algerians play a 4-5-1 formation so look for CD9's teammate from Sochaux Ryad Boudebouz, Medhi Lacen (Racing de Santander), Karim Matmour (Borussia Monchengladbach), Hassan Yebda (Benefica), and Karim Ziani (Wolfsburg). Algeria has yet to start a true striker up top using Foued Kadir who plays midfield for his club team, Valenciennes of French Ligue 1, as the lone attacking forward.

Prediction
The US has yet to put together a consistent 90 minute performance. They've shown time and time again that they are capable of playing with and beating the best teams in the world, but seem to have a problem getting off to a good start, playing from behind in both group matches. There is no reason in the world the US shouldn't get three points from this match. That being said, it's not going to be the four - nil rout that everyone is hoping for. US 1 : 0 Algeria. Jozy gets on the score sheet in late in the first half, and Bradley packs it in during the second half.

the world cup is just for countries

2010-06-12T08:43:00.004+01:00

But Jose is champion of an entire continent. Special1TV is back bitches! Sven is king of the pimps, Rafa is a scrap merchant, Tom Cruise is recruiting golden balls to Scientology, given the 'burden of expectation' on the Brits - the boy Rooney has risen to an entire new psychological level, and ahead of USA v England - all is right in the world. Enjoy, but more importantly - Be Champions!

know your foe - england

2010-06-09T23:47:00.035+01:00

The United States faces off against England in group stage action of the World Cup final Saturday at Royal Bafokeng Stadium in Rustenburg South Africa. Recently in friendly tune up matches, the English beat Mexico 3-1, and needed two own goals by Japan to beat them 2-1. The US enters Saturday's match having beaten Australia 3-1 with two goals from Buddle and an injury time score from Pachuca stand out and Barrack Obama look-a-like Herculez Gomez and a come from behind defeat of Turkey 2-1. The match will mark only the tenth time the two teams have played each other, and for me will be a cause for a riot regardless of the result.

History
The Football Association, governing body of all English Football competitions, was founded in 1863. Prior to it's formation clubs from different regions of the country all played by different sets of rules. Ebenezer Cobb Morley who is regarded as the father of modern day association football, was the FA's first secretary and author of the original 'laws of the game' which continue to govern the play of soccer. The current president of the FA is none other than Aston Villa fan and future King of England, Prince William of Wales ...pretty tough gig. Since the inception of the World Cup in 1930, the English have appeared in 13 of the 16 tournaments, winning their only title in 1966. Acting as hosts for the 1966 tournament, the final played on July 30th at the old Wembley Stadium was a re-match of World War II. The Brits ultimately defeated the West Germans 4-2, with striker Geoff Hurst scoring a 'technically perfect' (that is a goal with both left and right foot plus one headed) hat trick. Hurst would go on to play for the Seattle Sounders of the NASL in 1976. After failing to qualify for the 1994 World Cup played in the United States, the British reached the round of 16 in '98, and the quarterfinals in both '02 and '06. Their loss to Portugal in 2006 saw both an injured David Beckham leave in the 53rd minute and a wound up Wayne 'Wazza' Rooney get sent off in the 62nd minuted for stomping on the genitals of Portugal's Ricardo Carvalho. After 120 minutes of scoreless action, Portuguese goal keeper Ricardo saved penalties by Frank Lampard, Steven Gerrard, and Jamie Carragher en route to a 3-1 victory. Aside from their victory in 1966, they added a fourth place finish in 1990, as well as two Olympic gold medals in 1908 and 1912. Their strongest showing in Europe being third place in 1968.

Head to Head Record
Despite going undefeated (1-0-1) in armed conflicts (great result in the Revolutionary War and I'll call the war of 1812 a draw) against the British, the US has not fared as well on the pitch. The US and England have faced each other a total of 9 times through out the years with the Brits claiming 7 of the 9 wins. The most famous victory for the Americans, of course, being the 'miracle on grass' one - nil defeat of the Brits in the group stages of the 1950 World Cup featuring Mighty Joe Gaetjens scoring for the Yanks in the 38th minute. All time, the Brits have outscored the Americans by a tally of 35 to 8. The last time the two sides played was in a friendly match at Wembley Stadium - May 28th 2008, the English won easily led by goals from John Terry and Steven Gerrard. The only American on the roster to have scored against England is none other than Clint Dempsey who scored the US's only goal in a 2-1 defeat at Chicago's Soldier Field in May of 2005. You have to go all the way back to 1993 for the last Yank win in the series when Thomas Dooley and Ginger bastard Alexi Lalas scored, with both goals being set up by Tab Ramos, in a 2-0 friendly defeat of the red coats at Foxborough Stadium.

Flag & National Anthem
The St. George's Cross, is the official flag of England when not competing as the United Kingdom. The more widely known Union Jack flag represents the United Kingdom, however, in International football the UK competes as four separate entities: Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, and England. St. George became the patron saint of England in the twelfth century following a legend of St. George slaying a dragon which originated in the twelfth century. God Save the Queen is the national anthem of the United Kingdom. In one of the earliest available examples of sampling and covering, American Samuel Francis Smith re-wrote the lyrics, leaving out the silly idea of a constitutional monarchy, called it My Country, 'Tis of Thee and it went quadruple platinum.

Coach
After, then English manager, Steve McClaren's side lost to Croatia in the final qualifying match to lowly Croatia 3-2 in front of a packed house at Wembley Stadium in 2007 it was clear the Brits needed a coaching change. The loss meant that the English failed to qualify for Euro 2008, the first time they had failed to qualify for the European Championship in 24 years. McClaren was sacked the following day after having been at the helm for only 16 matches. The natural choice to right the ship was clearly, the special one, but after José Mourinho with drew his name from consideration Fabio Capello, despite his tenuous grasp on the English Language, was named manager on December 14, 2007. The retired midfielder notched a modest 45 goals in over 300 starts with Roma, Juventus, and AC Milan; winning Serie A three times, as well as two Coppa Italias as a player. Capello has managed some of the biggest football clubs in the world, two stints with AC Milan and Real Madrid as well as spells with Roma and Juventus. As a manager he had won seven Serie A titles, before having to vacate two amidst the Italian match fixing scandal of 2006 which saw Juventus relegated to Serie B and stripped of all honours. Under Capello's management the Brits have posted an impressive 75% win percentage over 24 matches; winning 18, losing only 2, and drawing 4 during his tenure. All of this clearly couldn't be less important as it was recently brought to my attention that no world cup champion has ever been managed by a foreign born coach.

Captain
The saga of the English Captain's arm band reads like a damn soap opera. After the English shit the bed in the quarterfinals of the 2006 World Cup (losing to Portugal on penalties 3-1), David Beckham announced that he would no longer captain the English team. McClaren appointed Chelsea defender John Terry the new captain who held the position until reports of him knocking up English team mate Wayne Bridge's special lady friend surfaced. Ultimately he did the classy thing, and by that - I mean he paid the tab on her abortion, Bridge declined to be included in the English 23 man roster forcing Capello to name Manchester United central defender Rio Ferdinand the squad's captain. During the team's first training session in South Africa Ferdinand suffered a torn knee ligament after a tackle with Aston Villa striker Emile Heskey ruling him out of the tournament and leaving Capello with the task of naming a new captain. Enter widely known Phil Collins fan and scouse bastard...lil' Steven Gerrard. Gerrard, who also captains Liverpool, has notched 16 goals in 80 caps for the Brits.

Roster
The English are the only team in the World Cup fielding a squad of players that all appear in their home league, with each of Capello's 23 men playing in the Barclay's Premiership. Absent due to injury David Golden Balls Beckham, Rio Ferdinand, and the biggest shocker - Micheal Owen (who never gets hurt). Perhaps the shakiest position for the three Lions is at Goal Keeper. Most likely getting the start will be 39 year old Portsmouth keeper David 'Calamity' James. At 6' 4 1/2" James was at one time a premier keeper, that time being nearly 18 years ago when he made a rocky debut for Liverpool. James went on to concede 20 goals in 11 matches before losing his starting spot to South African international Bruce Grobbelar. James would later blame his propensity for playing hours of video games for his poor performances. Anchoring the back line will be the Chelsea duo of John Terry and Ashley Cole fresh off of their league and FA cup double. Also likely to start at defense is good old Jamie Carragher who claimed that he was fine with missing his spot try in the 2006 quarterfinals because 'he'd rather miss for England than Liverpool'...I'm sure I know at least one person who shares that sentiment. With the injury to Rio Ferdinand Capello added Hotspurs defender Michael Dawson who has never even sniffed the bench for the national team before having no first team caps. In the midfield you'll clearly see captain wonderful Steven Gerrard, along side former Chelsea and hammer stand out lil' Joe Cole. Vice Captain and star of your favorite Premier League sex tape Frank Lampard is always a scoring threat from midfield dropping 20 goals in his 78 caps for the senior team. At striker you'll most likely see the boy Rooney paired with Emile 'the captain killer' Heskey. Capello only elected to bring four strikers, with Peter Crouch and Jermaine Defoe most likely available off the bench.

Prediction
Keeping in mind that the US can, and most definitely should, advance out of group play regardless of the outcome of the fixture with England, I think the US actually have a shot at getting a result. If Bradley has the squad playing for a draw England will definitely dominate the match and it could get ugly. On the flip side if the US takes up the mentality of playing possession football and building through their mid-field, clearly their most talented position, they have a great shot at surprising the Brits. That being said, as much as it hurts me to say this, I think England is just too talented to drop this game to the Yanks. I say 2 : 1 England, goals from Wazza and Lampard for the Brits, and Dempsey with a strike for the Yanks.

the special one is back!

2010-06-04T23:22:00.004+01:00

Safe to say: these pants are ruined. Not the best advert ever, but just knowing that Jose will be back in seven days is enough for me.

beggin' - the new hottness?

2010-06-02T23:29:00.003+01:00

Back again bitches...while I'm slaving over several new World Cup posts enjoy Pilooski's 're-edit' of this Frankie Vallie classic. It's a few years old, but I just heard it the other day and safe to say I'm hooked. A world cup absent of fat Ronaldo is going to make it difficult to work in any mention of tranny hookers, but I will find a way...

phil friday - rock and roll hall of fame

2010-04-02T15:32:00.004+01:00

Finally Phil and the boys getting the accolades they deserve. I've never been a phish fan, however Trey Anastasio's induction speech was pretty damn good. Here's hoping that Phil's wish of another Genesis reunion tour, with Peter Gabriel,(although he was apparently too busy to attend the induction ceremony) comes to fruition.

here's to you march

2010-04-01T14:37:00.002+01:00

March 2010. Worst month ever. So in addition to turning 29 and my resulting depression, I was told by my bald boss, that my hair is unproffesional. Taking hair tips from a bald man would be like taking prescription drug advice from Keith Moon. As if that weren't egregious enough, I had to move, was told that I walked like a fag, found out that an ex of mine is getting married, and got fucking set up by two so called friends and had to spend an evening with an asshole ex-boss of mine. Here's to you March, sucking my cock. Regardless, I can take solace in the fact that however bad my month was, at least i don't have a dick tattoed on my back, at least that I know of...from metro uk:

A football fan is suing a tattooist who drew a penis on his back instead of his favourite team's badge.
The teenager asked to have the Boca Juniors logo etched on his back. But the tattoo artist was a supporter of rival team River Plate and decided to have some fun at his young customer's expense.
The victim, who cannot be named, said: 'I could not see what he was tattooing because he didn't have a mirror. I only saw it when I got home and showed it to my parents.'

ten years man....ten.

2010-03-31T13:16:00.008+01:00

March 31st, 2000. A day that changed my life forever! The release of the greatest motion picture to ever hit the silver screen. Since that day, I've watched it, with out exageration, at least three hundred times. I went so far as to keep an extra copy of it in my desk at work just in case I ran into an unfortunate soul who hadn't yet seen it. Unfortunately, that copy as well as my US Men's national team jersey, two suits, and countless cd's fell victim to a break up and will never be heard from again. That being said, I can tell you almost everything from the film, right down to the previews (Mission to Mars, Scream3, and Deuce Bigelow) that run before it starts. The film is from Nick Hornby's novel of the same name, and if you haven't read the book, you're missing out too. In addition to inspiring parts of this blog, there's been High Fidelity the broadway play, as well as Donwill's rap album: Don Cusack in High Fidelity. It would be hard for me to name my favorite scene, as that's subject to change based on my mood, or more accurately how much I've had to drink...so I'll say here is ONE of my favorite parts. And also, subquestions, are the best of all the questions. Enjoy bitches:

mozzer monday - it's not your birthday anymore

2010-03-29T13:37:00.003+01:00

It's not your birthday anymore
did you really think we meant
all those syrupy, sentimental
things that we said yesterday?

Thank god that shit's over with. Best birthday wish came from Jefferson Steercock, who simply said 'fuck you'. That meant a lot.

mozzer monday - unhappy birthday

2010-03-22T12:41:00.007Z

"There's nothing different about me. I'm just another bored male, approaching 30, in a dead-end job, who lives for the weekend. Casual sex, watered-down lager, heavily cut drugs. And occasionally kicking the fuck out of someone."

For someone that loves to make it all about me, March 24th is the one day of the year I wish everyone would just fucking ignore. So if you're looking for me on Wednesday, I'll be sitting in a dark room somewhere, enjoying the sound of the Smiths and the taste of the cold barrel of a desert eagle .50. Oh, and it doesn't say replica down the side of it either. Now....fuck off.

crystal palace fc - can't stop won't stop

2010-03-19T15:00:00.006Z

Championship side Crystal Palace were recently docked 10 points for filing for bankruptcy, dropping them from 48 points to 38, and now in the danger zone for relegation to League One for next season. CPFC are no stranger to relegation, having bounced between the Premiership and Championship some four times since being a founding member of the Premiership in '92. With the club in financial turmoil, officials have advertised the London side for sale. Help is on the way though as it's rumored that none other than Sean 'P-Diddy' Combs is interested in purchasing the club. I'm not sure what part of that article is more disturbing; the fact that he wants to buy Palace because he "likes the name", or that it reports the no talent hack, pretend gangster is worth a reported £360million ($550 million USD).

phil friday - led zeppelin?

2010-03-19T12:16:00.009Z

On July 13, 1985 Live Aid took place in both London and Philidelphia. Who was the one artist that played both shows? You guessed it, Philip David Charles Collins. After playing his set at Wembley Stadium, Phil jumped on the concorde and flew to the states to join Jimmy Page, Robert Plant, and John Paul Jones on stage at Philidelphia's JFK Field. So in honor of led zeppelin super fan Celluloid Hero's b-day tomorrow, enjoy the low quality video of the lack luster 'reunion':

top 5 goal celebrations

2010-03-16T16:44:00.022Z

Kiss the ring? Lame. Dogpile your teammates? Overplayed Punch the corner flag? Done before. Drop your pants? That one actually makes me laugh. Give a fascist salute to your neo-nazi fans? That one's been done before too. With this summer's world cup a mere 86 short days away, and the start of the MLS season March 25th....maybe here's a look at the top 5 goal celebrations judged by yours truly.

#5 - Peter Crouch
1996, 6 foot 7 inch Peter Crouch scored England's second goal against Hungary and proceeded to set goal scoring celebrations back decades.

#4 - Jurgen Klinsmann
Klinsmann had a history of diving, long before his arrival at White Hart Lane in 1994. He famously asked in his first press conference 'if there were any diving schools in London'. After scoring against Sheffield Wednesday he pioneered 'the dive' which has been imitated ever since.

#3 - Clint Dempsey
Who could forget the Duece's goal and cha-cha celebration versus Ghana in 2006? It should be easy to recall as it was the only goal scored by a US player in the 2006 World Cup. Top notch finish, world class cha-cha.

#2 - Robbie Fowler
In April of 1999 Fowler celebrated his strike against Everton, whose fans had long alleged Fowler had a drug habit, by simulating doing a line of blow on the Anfield Touchline. For his celebration Fowler was suspended four league matches and fined £60,000, that's the equivalent of 41 kilos of coke for those keeping score at home.

#1 - Alan Shearer
Vince Lombardi said it best, "Act like you've been there before". Safe to say with 283 goals in 559 premiership appearances, AS9 has definitely been there before.

honorable mention - getafe cf
Flipping your shirt over your head has been a long standing celebration, but Burger King, sponsor of la liga side Getafe, has taken it to the next level. Printed on the inside of their kits is the head of what may be the creepiest corporate mascot in the history of corporate mascots. Celebrate with the King bitches. Our footie is shit, but our jerseys are top notch.

mozzer monday - redondo beach

2010-03-08T21:06:00.007Z

Quite a few of Morrissey's singles have been covers, and Redondo Beach is far and away my favorite. Patti Smith originally released Redondo Beach in 1975 on her album Horses. When introducing the song Smith used to say "Redondo Beach is a beach where women love other women" and who doesn't like that? The song goes on to tell the tale of a lesbian couple who get in an argument and one of the broads ends up going down to the beach and killing herself.

Desk clerk told me
A girl is washed up
Was small, an angel
With apple blond hair now

Which leads me to the time I went to Dewey beach with this broad I was dating, who just so happened to be blond. Low and behold, since she had a history of being a psychotic freak, ended up starting a huge fight with me over god knows what. If only she'd have listened to this song maybe she too would have drowned herself and I wouldn't have had to listen to her bitch, moan, and complain the entire seven hour ride back through Memorial Day traffic.

gone but not forgotten

2010-03-04T14:39:00.010Z

United States Army Corporal Matthew Commons
18 February 1981 - 4 March 2002

On March 4, 2002, Private First Class Matthew Allen Commons, was killed in Afghanistan on mission to rescue another U.S. soldier captured by al-Qaeda fighters.

PFC Commons was posthumously promoted to Corporal and awarded the Bronze Star for Valor, the Meritorious Service Medal, and the Purple Heart.

Washington Post Feature
American Profile Article
Life Magazine
1/75 Ranger Memorial Page

mozzer monday - i'm ok by myself

2010-03-01T12:29:00.002Z

It shouldn't come as any surprise that the man when asked about his death, To whom would you whisper your last goodbye? replied "To my very best friend...myself" would pen a song entitled 'I'm Ok By Myself'. Should you ever find yourself laying around your apartment reading 'don't jump books', drinking ketel one straight out of the bottle, thumbing through the yellow pages for escorts, and having a good cry that lasts for days - this song should do the trick (if only Morrissey had released this in 2004). Take solace in the line "this might make you throw up in your bed; I'm ok by myself" and then stop being such a whiny little bitch, because i don't need you - and i never have, i never have.

i've got information man! new shit has come to light! and shit... man

2010-02-26T20:31:00.005Z

Dry those eyes - don't you worry that sweet-sweet ass, mozzer monday, and going down like a monkey will be back in full force this Monday. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes and shit, but with more tranny hooker jokes. In the meantime how could I pass up an article concerning two of my favorite things; Morrissey & Millwall. Throw in the stath with his shirt off and I might have to take the day off of work...wait what? Enjoy Bitches:

but everyone i used to know was either dead or in prison

2009-12-25T18:39:00.000Z

If you're like me, and I hope for your sake you're not, then nothing puts you in the holiday spirit quite like hookers. Whether they be; Korean, Mexican, Eastern European, freedom loving or freedom hating, post-op or even the occasional pre-op trannies (if the price is right of course) it's just not a proper holiday with out a few dirty hookers milling about. Mr. Thomas Alan Waits captures it quite perfectly. Enjoy and merry x-mas bitches:

that's the fact jack

2009-12-18T23:02:00.000Z

I missed an entire week of mozzer mondays, phil fridays, and not one single dick and/or fart joke. Inexcusable, escpecially given the fact that I haven't had shit else to do. However, today is the 10th anniversary of me graduating from US Army Infantry basic training, so here is a picture of your favorite blogger doing my best impression of someone with full blown aids who'd just lost like 50lbs in 16 weeks. Enjoy bitches:

young, dumb, and full of....homicidal rage!!!

2009-12-08T00:45:00.047Z

I think I've covered ad nauseum my love for crazy broads, however, these chicks are worth another mention. And while I've never been a big fan of the "women in prison" porno angle, if it was starring any of these lovely ladies I might change my mind. Something about the hint of psychopath in their eyes, the helplessness of being behind bars, the knowledge that at any moment they could strike again! I mean anyone can do a year or two in the clink for some trumped up white collar crime like tax evasion, or insider trading, but to kill a man with a horse tranquilizer and watch him slowly die, or slipping someone a lethal dose of Xanax, Valium, and black tar heroin? Now that takes a special kind of lady. In that spirit goingdownlikeamonkey presents:

the top 5 hot killers

#5 - Leslie MacKool currently serving life with out parole
When 22 year old Leslie Shepherd married 45 year old Michael MacKool her father was heartbroken. Upon his death 5 years later Leslie still expected a large portion of her father's $2 million estate to be left to her. When she found out she was left a mere $25k what did she do? She hid in the bushes in front of her mother's house and stabbed her to death - some 74 times nearly severing her head from her body. Found guilty of capital murder she received life in prison with out parole.

#4 Sarah Dutra eligible for parole October 2011 (call me)
Convicted of voluntary manslaughter in the poisoning of her boss - Sacramento lawyer Laurence McNabney. On September 11, 2001 21 year old Dutra and McNabney's wife Lauren Sims killed him, liquidated $250k of his assets, and road tripped it to Vegas before checking into the Bellagio with his corpse stuffed securely in the trunk of their Jaguar. Later they'd stuff him in their home's refrigerator and duct tape it closed. The FBI would find him some four months later buried in a vineyard near Linden, California. Sims eventually hung herself in prison leaving the lovely Sarah Dutra to stand trial alone.

#3 Ashley Humphrey release date 2030
In 2004, on the day following her wedding 19 year old Ashley Humphrey followed Sandee Rozzo home and shot her eight times in her garage. The reason? Her husband Timothy Humphrey was to face Rozzo in court for charges of sexual assault. Being a repeat offender he faced 10 years in prison. In 2006 Humphrey testified against her husband in exchange for a reduced sentence.

#2 Sandy Murphy released after re-trial in November 2004
Convicted of murder, conspiracy, robbery, grand larceny and burglary in connection with the killing of Las Vegas millionaire and one-time proprietor of Binion's Horseshoe Ted Binion. Where did she meet Ted Binion you ask? At Cheetah's Gentlemans Club where she was dancing at the time of course. Later when the relationship went south Ted Binion hired Rick Tabish to construct an underground vault on the floor of the Nevada desert to hide between 7 and 14 million dollars worth of silver from Sandy. Tabish and Murphy were convicted of Binion's murder in May of 2000.

#1 Amanda "Foxy" Knox release date December 2035
22 year old Seattle exchange student convicted of sexually assaulting and killing her roommate during a drug fueled orgy with her boyfriend Rafael Sollecito and friend Rudy Guede in Perugia, Italy. While waiting for questioning Foxy Knoxy reportedly entertained the Italian Polizia with cartwheels and splits before confessing to the crime. Later she would claim she was coerced into making the confession through assault by the Polizia. Whether she did it or not, she's definitely guilty of one thing - being hot. The winner of prison essay contests was sentenced to 26 years, her boyfriend of two weeks was given 25.

mozzer monday - you just haven't earned it yet, baby

2009-12-07T23:58:00.002Z

Recently, I've been flooded with more than normal barrage of 'why are you such an asshole?' questions. And heard after the fact that 'why is your friend such an asshole?' and most hurtful of all 'why won't your incredibly handsome asshole friend go home with me?' inquiries have been raised as well.(I can only assume the last one). Why make fun of a broad's 'birthday scarf' on her birthday? Why tell the most attractive girl out of her group of friend's that she's in fact the least attractive after you attempted to steal her purse at a bar? Why constantly make roofie jokes even after you learn that she was in fact slipped a roofie(allegedly)? Why try to have sex with some disgustingly ugly chick on top of the bar in a place that smells of septic waste mixed with the stench of old man balls? Why tell a girl on her 21st birthday that she looks closer to 35? Or telling a girl that you'll pick them up in front of a bar in Clarendon in 5 minutes when you're really sitting on your living room floor in a drunken stupor eating taco bell and passing the fuck out? Tell a girl her shoes look like they were purchased at pay less after she tells you they're from Nordstrom - check. And if some broad gets lippy when you ask her if she likes prince or jacko better, but simultaneously happens to be wearing prince's shirt from purple rain - don't be afraid to tell her to shut the fuck up either. But why on earth would you tell someone that not only do you not want to talk to them at the gym, but you don't particularly feel like talking to them now either? Is it the fact that I just hate women? Possibly. Or is it because I'm a semi-functional alcoholic? There may be some truth to that too. I'll get more in depth on that later with the R-O-B G-O-R-D-O-N system, but for now I'll just let Morrissey tell you. Because like a brick of gold, a blood diamond, or a back stage pass to a Hannah Montana concert, I'm a rare commodity and you just haven't earned it yet...

phil friday - keeping it real in the name of phil

2009-12-04T15:53:00.009Z

Nobody tells DJ Request what to play. Let them tell you what to play, they loose respect for you. They loose respect for you, you loose control. Not today...

Sometimes you wake up at 6am on a Sunday and go watch your favorite side lose a home match to Liverpool 5-1 and to add insult to injury come out of the pub and find your car being towed down the street all because you took the parking advice of some fucking wanker. However, on the otherside of the pond, a greater injustice was taking place. Liverpool captain SG8 decided to celebrate his two goal performance, and what better way to celebrate than by having a few pints, listening to some phil, and maybe having a good cry? But DJ Request would have no part of the celebration, so Stevie G did what any good phil fan would do - beat the piss out of him. "Hey Guys, a couple of guys came in here earlier looking for Vanessa and I got a little bit of bad news for you, Vanessa is dead, here's Phil Collins"

the irish world cup travesty continues

2009-11-30T21:17:00.003Z

Much has been made of the controversial way in which the Irish were denied a spot in this summer's world cup final. And while I won't be shedding a tear over the fact that the traitorous scum tandem of Shay Given (33 years old) and own goal scoring cunt Damien Duff (30 years of age) lost their final opportunity to play in the world cup (that's what you get for jumping ship at newcastle you fucking tossers), what sadly will be lost are tales like this from Jason McAteer:

"and to be fair she was a fuckin' winner, an absolute winner"

mozzer monday - my life with morrissey

2009-11-30T17:47:00.002Z

I'm not sure whether or I want to fight this broad? Or marry her? Apparently there is a full length movie that goes along with this trailer. Either way the scene where she tells Morrissey he's so wonderful and he says, 'I know' made me l-o-l. That's just mozzer being mozzer. Enjoy bitches:

castles made of sand fall in the sea...eventually

2009-11-27T22:25:00.002Z

James Marshall "Jimi" Hendrix
November 27, 1942 - September 18, 1970

"Before the show at Monterey, we were starting to talk about the running order. More for Brian Jones who was introducing us I think, and Eric Burden who was introducing him, or vice versa I can't remember anymore, and they wanted to know what was going to come first and we couldn't really decide. So we just said well you know, I said to Jimi I said 'fuck it we're not gonna follow you on'. So he said 'well I'm not gonna follow you on.' So I said listen 'we are not gonna follow you on, and that is it. As far as I'm concerned, you know, we're here ready to go on now our gear is gonna be there, that's the end of it.' And there was a certain look up in his eye and he got on a chair and he played some amazing guitar just standing on a chair in the dressing room. Janis Joplin was there. Brian Jones. Eric [Clapton] and me and just a few other people standing around and he got down off the chair and just said, turned around, to me and said, 'If I'm gonna follow you - I'm gonna pull all the stops.'" - Pete Townshend

Legend has it a coin was flipped and Jimi Hendrix took the stage after the Who and staying true to his promise of pulling all the stops lit his Fender Stratocaster ablaze upon the conclusion of Wild Thing at the 1967 Monterey Pop Fest. And who took the stage after Jimi? The god damn Mama's and the Papa's. When asked about using gimmicks in his sets like playing behind his head, playing guitar with his teeth, and setting his guitar on fire, Hendrix offered a very Rick James esque explanation:

"Gimmicks. Gimmicks, here we go again, gimmicks man, I'm tired of people saying we're.... gimmicks, what is this? The world is nothing but a big gimmick, isn't it? Wars, napalm bombs, all that, people getting burned up on tv and it's nothing but a stunt. Gimmicks? Yes we do.”

top 5 jimi hendrix songs
red house

castles made of sand

purple haze

little wing

crosstown traffic

phil friday - what these bitches want from phil collins?

2009-11-27T19:15:00.000Z

OG Phil Collins featuring DMX and his mans and them. Can't stop. Won't stop.

ben olsen hangs up the boots

2009-11-25T13:44:00.019Z

1994 Pennsylvania Player of the Year
1995 Parade Magazine's National Player of the Year
1997 Soccer America Player of the Year
1997 ACC Tournament MVP
1997 NSCAA All-American
1997 Soccer America Collegiate Player of the Year
1998 MLS Rookie of the Year
1998 MLS All-Star
1999 MLS Cup MVP
2007 MLS Best XI
And of course there's this for the ladies....

Thanks to Ben Olsen for 12 amazing years with the black and red. 221 appearances for DC United, 2 MLS Cups, 3 Supporter Shields, 1998 Copa Interamericana Championship, 1998 CONCACAF Champions League Championship, 2008 US Open Cup. 6 goals in 37 appearances with the US Mens National Team including the 2000 Olympics, and the 2006 World Cup as well as winning the 2005 CONCACAF Gold Cup Championship. Be sure to check out the top 5 Benny momments from earlier this year.

mozzer monday - let me kiss you

2009-11-23T17:00:00.004Z

"American society would consider her to be royalty. I don't see her as royalty, I mean I just see her as Nancy really. I think in the history books her father is one of the most famous people in human creation, he's more famous than most royalty." - Morrissey on Nancy Sinatra

In 1997 Morrissey left the United Kingdom and took up refuge in Los Angeles, just off Sunset Blvd. Living in a home that was built for Clark Gable's mistress Carol Lombard, who died tragically in a plane crash almost as soon as she was given the keys to the home. The home was once owned by F. Scott Fitzgerald, John Schlesinger, and currently sits right next door to Nancy Sinatra.

"One time I was in London and Morrissey came to my hotel to see me and the thing that sticks with me most about that is the hug that he gave me. Because, he's just a great hugger." - Nancy Sinatra on Morrissey

In 2004 both Morrissey and Nancy Sinatra (on Morrissey's vanity record label Attack Records) released Let Me Kiss you. Morrissey's version would reach #4 on the UK charts while Nancy's version peaked at #46.

every now and then i get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by

2009-11-20T22:26:00.009Z

Sad news out of DC United today. Flags at goingdownlikeamonkey's world headquarters will be flying at half mast until further notice. Tomorrow's staff meeting in conference room 12a will be postponed so that you may spend this time with your loved ones. Only Tori Amos covering 'total eclipse of the heart' can provide comfort now:

mozzer monday - stop me if you think you've heard this one before

2009-11-16T17:38:00.004Z

Much to Morrissey's dismay, 'stop me...' was never released as a single, it was set to be released a mere two months after Michael Ryan killed 17 and wounded 15 in the Hungerford massacre in August of 1987. Morrissey's claim that the beating he'd endured caused enough pain to make a buddhist plan a mass murder (And the pain was enough to make, a shy, bald, buddhist reflect, and plan a mass murder) immedediately led record execs to think that he was eulogising a spree-killer. Morrissey would later say, "I desperately, desperately wanted that to be released, Rough Trade sent white labels along to Radio 1, but they said they would never, under any circumstances play it because of the line about mass murder. They said people would've instantly linked it with Hungerford and it would've caused thousands of shoppers to go out and buy machine guns and murder their grandparents."

And , so I drank one
It became four
And when I fell on the floor ...
...I drank more

get your democracy on bitches

2009-11-03T22:16:00.005Z

The 2009 MLS regular season has come to an end and it's time to bring that sweet ass over here and vote for the at&t goalazo of the year. A few observations: Was this video edited by the front office of the seattle sounders? Of the 40 goals featured in the video, 8 (or 20%) are of the sounders. Aside from two or three the remainder are pretty goddamn unspectacular. Also, Arturo Alvarez, I know you were excited to score a meaningless goal to put your team up 2-0 in the final minutes of the match, but is it really necessary to take your fucking shirt off? I take that back, it takes less than that to get me to rip my shirt off. For me the choice is between Namoff's diving header against Colorado in week 18, or Esky's volley against the redbulls also in week 18.

mozzer monday - november spawned a monster

2009-11-02T13:48:00.006Z

so sleep and dream of love
cause it's the closest
you will get to love

People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss.

"...then there's 'November' (Spawned A Monster) which in a sense is my version of the New York Dolls' 'Frankenstein'. It's about a person who's confined to a wheelchair, who can't make much sense of her life and whose only ambition is to walk down the road in clothes she personally went out and chose and bought herself. And that is as far as her ambitions can stretch." - Morrissey, The Face, March 1990

" No, if you're a genuine artist you have a very powerful... oh God... vision of most situations, whether or not they're painful, as in my case they most often are. I don't have to know people. It's a matter of understanding many extreme situations in life. And if you see someone in what we oddly refer to as an unfortunate situation, someone who's wheelchair bound, if you're very perceptive and sensitive you can fully imagine the lifelong frustrations of constantly being discussed by other people, and constantly having people being irritatingly kind to you. " - Morrissey, Vox, November 1990

Featured on Beavis and Butthead, the music video is perhaps one of the most homo-erotic ever produced which, for Morrissey, is saying a lot.

phil friday - can't stop. won't stop

2009-10-30T14:07:00.005Z

Until seeing this I was under the impression that the only british rappers worth mentioning were, in no particular order, Young MC, Iceberg Slimm, Scotland Yard Emcees, and Asher D. I keep my ear to the ground so I know what's hot in the streets, but clearly, one more name needs to be added. Is there anything Phil can't do? Enjoy bitches:

mozzer monday - i'm throwing my arms around paris

2009-10-26T14:08:00.008Z

Ah Paris. La Ville-Lumière! Sometimes you think you're going on a nice vacation to Paris - next thing you know the harlot you went with is breaking up with you because you didn't propose to her at the top of the Eiffel Tower on New Years Eve, when all you really wanted to do in the first place was check out the view and maybe try to talk her into giving you a handjob on the elevator ride down. Maybe she even loses her shit on you because even though she told you she speaks French, which she clearly doesn't, it's somehow your fault that you got lost because you can't read the directions the concierge wrote down for you. Perhaps, she even makes a cab driver stop in the middle of the Champs-Élysées so she can get out and throw a fit because you'd rather go take a tour of the Stade de France or see where Jim Morrison is buried than go to another god damn museum. Or maybe you went to Paris and had fun..whatever.

i've come to wish you an unhappy birthday

2009-10-20T00:01:00.002+01:00

"I know what you're thinking...you're thinking those are the biggest boobies you've ever seen. I'm not your average woman...I like sex and I'm not afraid to admit[cough, hack, cough]. Excuse me I just had pudding an hour ago. You ever parked your bicylce in an airplane hanger? You ever thrown a toothpick into a volcano? Ohh...I'm sweating. You're making me all hot! OHHHHHH CAKES & PIES!!!! "

365 days, countless references to transvestite hookers, broads with low self esteem, getting hammered, my overall hatred of females, phil, morrissey, and of course space bitches...space!. Oh, and two posts each from this guy, and this guy...thanks for the help wankers. Happy first birthday to going down like a monkey.

mozzer monday - the queen is dead

2009-10-19T17:05:00.004+01:00

"When you consider what minimal contribution they make in helping people. They never under any circumstances make a useful statement about the world or people's lives. The whole thing seems like a joke, a hideous joke. We don't believe in leprachauns so why should we believe in the Queen? And when one looks at all the individuals within the Royal Family they're so magnificently, unaccountably and unpardonably boring! I mean Diana herself has never in her lifetime uttered one statement that has been of any use to any member of the human race. If we have to put up with these ugly individuals why can't they at least do something off the mark!" - 1986 interview with NME

Morrissey goes on to call Prince Charles a closeted transvestite ("I said Charles, don't you ever crave, to appear on the front of the Daily Mail, dressed in your Mother's bridal veil?"); recreating the famous Buckingham Palace invasion by Michael Fagan (So, I broke into the palace, with a sponge and a rusty spanner"); before discusing the adverse effect the rain has on his hair (We can go for a walk where it's quiet and dry, and talk about precious things, but the rain that flattens my hair, oh, these are the things that kill me).

our little baby's all groweds up

2009-10-18T00:01:00.010+01:00

Swingers
released October 18, 1996

If you haven't seen Swingers, well....what the fuck are you waiting for? Definitely in my top 5 of all time, in a dead heat with High Fidelity for the number one spot. In honor of the thirteenth anniversary of the release of one of the greatest films of our generation, going down like a monkey presents:
the dating advice of Trent Walker (a top 5)

#5 - "Now I want you to go over to that girl and I want you to get those digits. Come here a second, listen. Now look it, when you go up to talk to her man, I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie, everyone's REALLY hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know? The guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from, okay? You're a bad man, you're a bad man."

#4 - "You know what? Ha Ha Ha Mike, laugh all you want, but if you call too soon you might scare off a nice baby who's ready to party. [Favs: Well, how long you gonna wait to call your babies?] Six Days."

#3 - "Baby don't talk that way. [Patrick Van Horn: You're so money and you don't even know it] That's what I've keep trying to tell him. [Favs: Could you not mess with me right now] Baby we're not messing with you. You know what you are? You're like a big bear with claws and fangs. And fucking teeth on you. And she's just like this little bunny who's just kinda cowering in the corner. Yeah man, just kinda..you know you got these claws and you're staring at these claws man and you're thinking to yourself, with these claws you're thinking, 'how am I supposed to kill this bunny? How am I supposed to kill this bunny?" [PVH: And you're poking it] Yeah, you're not hurting it, you're just kinda gently batting the bunny around, you know what I mean? And the bunny is scared Mike, the bunny is scared of you. Shivering. You got these claws and these fangs man, and you're looking at your claws and you're looking at your fangs and you're thinking to yourself, 'I don't know what to do man, I don't know how to kill the bunny' with this you don't know how to kill the bunny. Do you know what I mean? [Favs: So you're not just like fucking with me?] No I'm not fucking with you. Mike, I'm telling you you're money.

#2 - "Look you take yourself out of the game, you start talking to them about puppy dogs and ice cream of course it's gonna end up on the friendship tip....Baby, you are so money and you don't even know it...Listen to me Mike, your self esteem is low right now because she's with somebody else. But talking about it and thinking about it all the time, it's depressing, it's no good man."

#1 - "Oh, Mike do you even think I know what the hell they're saying to me half the time? I don't know if they're talking about how hard it is to be adopted, or how their dad can't show them affection. All I do man is stare at their mouthes and wrinkle my eyebrows and somehow I turn out to be a big sweetie. Okay? Now take this girl here right? She's a waitress in Las Vegas ok? But I bet somewhere inside of her there's a very very special dream and no matter how hard I try I won't..."

phil friday - it's so bad it's good

2009-10-16T17:44:00.004+01:00

In 2002, the diet coke of gangster rappers, Bone Thugs-n-Harmony wanted to sample 'take me home' on their track 'home'. strangely enough Phil not only allowed his song to be sampled, but offered to sing the chorus himself. Due to it's decidedly un-gangster nature it was a flop in the US, however those wankers in the UK ate it up and it even cracked the top 20 on the UK singles chart. Collins was made an honorary member of Bone given the nickname 'Chrome Bone'. It's bone and phillie phillie...

pardon me while i inject cocaine into my butthole

2009-10-16T15:56:00.006+01:00

"Man come on, I had a rough night and I hate the fuckin' Eagles...man!"

I share the dude's sentiments on the Eagles, and specifically Don Henley. I'm kind of on the fence as to whether or not Stevie Nicks would get it though. She's still kind of hot at 61, but now that she's clean and sober, some of the mystique is gone. That being said, I had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Dave Grohl the other day, and I've always been a big fan. Will Ferrell, generally makes me laugh, but for every Anchorman he releases there's a Semi-Pro that sucks complete ass, and since he plays the same character in every movie it's hard to seperate the shit from the gems. Either way, the duet of Ferrell and Grohl is hard to beat, the 5:35 mark is classic. enjoy bitches:

mozzer monday - certain people i know

2009-10-12T17:36:00.003+01:00

I was talking with George [Morrissey's bodyguard] and he was saying that even when he was on the road with Motley Crue, when they were shifting millions of records and were the ultimate in hard-rock excess, that even then the fans didn't have anything like the intensity of the people that follow you.

"I wouldn't, for instance, imagine that George Michael does. Similarly with Madonna; I can't imagine anyone loving Madonna and wanting to get onstage, and hold her, and squeeze her, and not let go. She doesn't inspire that. She may sell millions upon millions of records - similarly with George Michael or Michael Jackson - but I don't know that people really, really love them in the way that I feel that I am loved by the people who come and see me. So, yes, it's baffling."- 1992 Interview with Spin Magazine

During the 1992 promotion tour for Your Arsenal, Morrissey attracted a mob not seen since the British invasion of the Beatles years earlier. A midnight appearance at the vinyl solution (which makes me l-o-l, by the way) in Grand Rapids, Michigan attracted over 2,000 fans. President Bush was in Grand Rapids at the same time, however the media choose to cover Morrissey instead. 1,200 people turned up at Houston's Record Rack the next day, (no word on how many fans turned out at Chicago's Championship Vinyl), and hundreds turned out for a ten minute set on Hangin' with MTV in New York City, where he played 'certain people I know', for the final stop in the promotion tour.

know your foe - honduras

2009-10-09T15:17:00.007+01:00

The US travels to politically unstable San Pedro Sula Saturday night to face Honduras in their final road match of their 2010 World Cup Qualification campaign. Through eight home matches the Hondurans are undefeated (8-0-0) scoring 22 goals and only conceding 3. The US won the home leg in Chicago coming from behind for a 2-1 victory. The United States is currently in first place of the CONCACAF qualifying group (5-1-2) 16 points, while Honduras is third (4-1-3) 13 points. The top three teams from CONCACAF will advance to the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, and the US could claim the first automatic berth with a win Saturday. Here are the scenarios in which the US qualifies Saturday: a US win and they are through; a Costa Rica loss - regardless of the US result will clinch it as well; or if Costa Rica draws Trinidad and Tobago and the US draws Honduras. If the US fails to qualify Sunday, they can still clinch a berth with a win or draw vs. Costa Rica at estadio RFK on Wednesday night. Exciting right!?!?......except for the fact that you won't be able to see the fucking match in the US, unless you are in close proximity to one of the 29 American bars that have paid for the rights to show the closed circuit only broadcast of the match.

history
Nicknamed 'los catrachos' which in english means 'the hondurans' (clever huh?), the Honduran men's national soccer team played their first organized match in 1921 falling to their western neighbors Guatemala by a respectable score of 10-1. Tensions is Central America between Honduras and El Salvador came to a head in the summer of 1969, when rioting during a qualifying match for the 1970 World Cup sparked a 6 day war, dubbed the football war, in which over 2,100 were killed. Honduras failed to qualify for the 1970 World Cup in Mexico, while El Salvador was eliminated in the group stage losing to Mexico, Belgium, and the USSR, conceding 9 goals while scoring 0. Honduras' greatest result in tournament play came during the 1981 CONCACAF Championship where wins against Haiti, Cuba, and Canada, as well as draws with El Salvador and Mexico were enough for them to be crowned tournament champions. Honduras' only appearance in World Cup play was during 1982 where they failed to advance out of group play, posting two draws (Spain 1-1, Northern Ireland 1-1) and one loss (Yugoslavia 0-1).
location
The Catrachos play the majority of their home matches in San Pedro Sula. The nickname 'los catrachos' comes from Honduran General Florencio Xatruch. In the mid 1800's American expat William Walker was attempting to conquer all of Central America and re-establish slavery, after his defeat by Generla Xarruch, Nicaraguans yelled out ¡Vienen los xatruches!, meaning "Here come Xatruch's boys!" However, Nicaraguans had so much trouble pronouncing the general's last name that they altered the phrase to los catruches and ultimately settled on los catrachos. San Pedro Sula was originally settled in 1536 with the name Villa de San Pedro de Puerto Caballos. The city's name became San Pedro Sula in the 18th century, after several changes. The "Sula" part of its name comes from the Minas de Sula, gold mines located to the west of the village of Naco. Today, over one million residents call San Pedro Sula home, making it the countries second largest city behind the capital - Tegucigalpa.San Pedro Sula's Estadio Olímpico Metropolitano was built in 1997 when the city hosted the Central American Games. With a capacity of over 45,000 it is also the home grounds for C.D. Marathón as well as Real C.D. España.
head to head record
Over the years the United States and Honduras have faced each other fifteen times, with the US holding a commanding lead of 10 wins, 2 draws, and 3 losses, with a goal differential of +13, as well as a 3-1-1 record in World Cup Qualification. The US has only played four matches away to Honduras, their last a 2-1 US win in March of 2001. Overall the US is 2-1-1 in matches on Honduran soil. Most recently the US defeated Honduras 2-0 in the CONCACAF Gold Cup Semi-Finals (July 23rd) as well as during Gold Cup group play 2-0 (July 8th). The home leg for the US was June 6th at Chicago's Soldier Field, where the US won 2-1 (Landon Donovan and Carlos Bocanegra on the goals). Five current US players have scored against los Catrachos, with Donovan notching three, while Bocanegra, Brian Ching, and defenders Clarence Goodson and Oguchi Onyewu have all added one. Onyewu's scored his first national team goal against Honduras, a game-winner in the 92nd minute that sent the U.S. into the final of the 2005 CONCACAF Gold Cup against Panama. The most famous match between the two sides occured during U-23 Olympics Qualifying match in 2008 when American Tiffany May decided a semi-naked pitch invasion was necessary during the 77th minute. The US U-23 side went on to win 1-0.
coach
Reinaldo Rueda has managed Honduras since 2006. Born in Medellín, Columbia, Rueda's claim to fame was from his job as the Colombian Youth Coach. With the Colombian U-20 squad he finished 3rd in the U-20 World Cup in 2003. He also lead the Colombian U-17 team to a fourth place finish that same year. After a disastrous start to qualifying Colombia promoted him to being the Senior Coach for the qualification to 2006 World Cup. The team was supposed to be near last spot on the CONMEBOL qualification but finished in a respectable sixth place. Colombia failed to qualify by only 1 point, and the blame was placed on Rueda even though Colombia had only one point through five games when he took charge. As coach of the Hondurans since 2006 he took a team missing most of it's stars to the quarterfinals of the 2007 CONCACAF Gold Cup as well as a semifinal appearance in 2009.
roster
Honduras is captained by Toronto FC midfielder Amado 'el lobo' Guevara. Guevara is the all time cap leader for the catrachos netting 29 goals in his 128 appearances, also being named tournament MVP in the Hondurans third place finish at the 2001 Copa America. Over the course of 17 year career he's started for Olimpia, Saprissa, Motagua, the NY RedBulls, and Chivas USA among others. Guevara is joined in midfield by Ramón Núñez formerly of FC Dallas, and currently playing at Cruz Azul. Former LA Galaxy striker Carlos Pavón, Benefica forward David Suazo, as well as Carlo Costly of Birmingham City lead their attack. Wigan Athletic teammates Maynor Figueroa and Hendry Thomas, as well as spurs midfielder Wilson Palacios round out the premiership talent, but sadly no current or former Millwall players will be on the 18 man game day roster.
the game
Ricardo Clark became the USA's 15th different scorer in 2010 World Cup Qualifying when he netted the game winner on Sept. 9 in Trinidad & Tobago. Frankie Hejduk's (1) goal against Trinidad & Tobago joined Carlos Bocanegra (2) and Oguchi Onyewu (1) as the other defenders to score in qualifying. Jozy Altidore leads all scorers (6), with Clint Dempsey (5) right behind him. Michael Bradley (4), Brian Ching (4) and Landon Donovan (4) have found the net with some frequency, while Charlie Davies (2) and DaMarcus Beasley (2) have also registered multiple goals. Also on the score sheet with one goal each are Freddy Adu, Kenny Cooper, Eddie Johnson and Eddie Lewis. Should be an interesting match on Saturday with Honduras needing points to keep their World Cup chances alive, while the US will look to claim their sixth consecutive appearance in the big dance.
Prediction US 2 : 1 Honduras (goals from Donovan & Davies)

phil friday - a mf-ing montage bitches!

2009-10-09T12:02:00.000+01:00

you can't hurry love, shortcut to nowhere, all i need is a miracle (mike & the mechanics), and the granddaddy of them all - tonight, tonight, tonight! enjoy bitches:

mozzer monday - heaven knows i'm miserable now

2009-10-05T16:00:00.008+01:00

The Smiths made their first trip to the US in December of 1983. Morrissey was happy to hear that the band would be staying at the Iroquois Hotel in Manhattan for their new years eve show at the Danceteria. The Iroquois hotel had been home to one of Morrissey's idols, James Dean, for two years in the early 1950's, however the band found the hotel in decay and infested with cockroaches upon their arrival. During the New Years eve performance, unable to sleep in his slum of a hotel room, and feeling the effects of jet-lag, and malnourished, Morrissey famously fell off the stage. That combined with Mike Joyce contracting the chicken pox, led to the smiths cancelling the remaining New York City date and heading back to the UK, not before Marr and Morrissey wrote Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now in their hotel room.
Morrissey would later say, "When I wrote an ineffectual line such as 'I was looking for a job, and then I found a job, and heaven knows I'm miserable now', that outraged people. All the daily tabloids treat me as a dangerous figure and that pleases me. At least it means that I'm a strong person and I'm not Andrew Ridgeley."
Who doesn't love a good Wham! reference?
"On the very brief spasms of employment that I had in the past, it always seemed to me that there were moments of the day when I'd realise I was working with these people that I despised. I had to talk to these horrible people about what they did yesterday and I would have to report to a boss that I couldn't stand. When you're in that position, which was the absolute basis of 'Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now', you realise that you're actually spending your entire life living with people you do not like and doing something you do not like, which is incredibly distressing. So that was the basis of the song."

as bent as the soviet sickle, and as hard as the hammer that crosses it

2009-10-04T12:40:00.051+01:00

What is it about Russian women that makes them so hot? Their love of communism? Their addicition to all things vodka related? What I wouldn't give to have them say, "fuck your yankee blue jeans". In honor of the lovely Lena Katina's 25th birthday today, going down like a monkey presents:
top 5 hottest russian broads:

#5 Alina Kabayeva Алина Маратовна Кабаева
Tashkent
Current State Duma deputee from the Party of United Russia, and former Olympic Gymnast. Also rumored to be the resaon Vladimir Putin left his wife.
#4 Daria Strokous Дария Strokous

Moscow
18 year old model who's not afraid to take off the kit.

#3 Maria Sharapova Мария Юрьевна Шарапова
Nyagan
Hot Russian model, also plays some tennis.

#2 Sofia Rudieva София Андреевна Рудьева
St. Petersburg
At age eighteen was crowned Miss Russia 2009 days before nude photos of her flooded the internet.
#1 Lena Katina - Елена Сергеевна Катина
Moscow
The only thing hotter than being in a Russian psuedo-lesbian girl pop band, is that Russian psuedo-lesbian girl pop band covering the smiths How Soon is Now

know your foe - cd chivas usa

2009-10-02T15:03:00.010+01:00

United enters the match following a 5-1 victory in CONCACAF Champions League play against visiting San Juan Jabloteh. Most recently in league play United fell 2-1 to the visiting Earthquakes. United's last win in league play came September 9th against the KC Wizards. DC (8-7-12, 36 points) is one point behind the Revolution in the hunt for the final MLS playoff spot, however the Revolution have a game in hand. Chivas enters the match following a 1-1 draw home to the RedBulls, with their last win in league play on September 13th vs. the Revolution. Chivas (11-9-5, 38 points) holds the sixth seed in the playoffs with two games in hand over United.

History
Officially known as Club Deportivo Chivas USA, Major League Soccer announced the addition of it's eleventh team and second club in Los Angeles on August 2, 2004. Upon purchasing Mexican La Primera Division club Chivas Guadalajara, Jorge Vergara announced his intention to expand the Chivas brand globally. Vergara was born in Guadalajara and made his fortune selling, pyramid scheme and LA Galaxy lead sponsor, Herbalife products, before starting his own knock off pyramid scheme company Omnilife in 1991. Upon purchasing Chivas Guadalajara, Vergara implemented a "Mexican born-only" policy prohibiting foreign born players on the squad, and has since done the same for Costa Rican team Deportivo Saprissa. Chivas USA began play in MLS in 2005, losing it's inaugural game to none other than......DC United (2-0).

Location
Opened in 2003, Chivas plays their home games at the Home Depot Center in Carson California. It's been rumored that Chivas will eventually move to their own stadium, however for the time being they share the grounds with the LA Galaxy. Unlike the star-studded Galaxy who fill the 27,000 seats regularly despite being the worst team in the league, Chivas actually manages to make the play-offs from time to time. Carson CA was the site of the battle of Dominguez Ranchero during the Spanish American War, before attracting residents in the 1920's following extensive oil drilling. Academy Award Winner Forrest Whitaker, rappers Dr. Dre, Ray J, the game, and singer Brandy have all called Carson home at one time or another. Carson has also been the background for movies like; Reno 911, the Cable Guy, Jackie Brown, and Gone in 60 seconds.

Nickname & Mascot
Chivas is spanish for goats. Both Chivas Guadalajara and Chivas USA are known as the goats or El Rebaño Sagrado (sacred flock). The team has no official mascot, however their "Chiva Girl" cheerleaders are some of the hottest in the league, tapping in on the failed dreams of the sexiest aspiring actresses and current Starbucks baristas & strippers the greater Los Angeles area has to offer.

Jersey & Sponsor
Like their counterparts to the south, the goats' jerseys are red white and blue, not for the American flag, but for the French flag. When Chivas Guadalajara was founded in 1904, French-born Calixto Gas adopted the colors of his home for their jerseys. The Goat's jerseys and team crest are nearly a carbon copy of the Mexican Clubs. For the 2009 season, Chivas will wear all blue jerseys for their away matches. Chivas is sponsored by Frazee Paint, a subsidiary of the Comex Group, Mexico's top manufacturer of industrial paint.

Head to Head Record
Prior to the 2008 season, Chivas had never beaten United. United topped Chivas 2-0 in their first ever MLS match in 2005. Overall United is 5-2-2 against Chivas, losing both home and away matches to the goats in a disappointing season last year. Most recently Chivas and United drew 2-2 at the Home Depot Center in May of this year. Chivas scored two unanswered goals in the first half off of former DCU keeper Louis Crayton, before Emilio and Quaranta scored to secure the point in the final minutes of the game.

Trophy Case & Celeb Fans
In 2008 Chivas was runner up for the Supporter's Shield, finishing behind eventual league Champions Columbus Crew. In their four seasons in Major Leauge Soccer Chivas has advanced to the playoffs in all but one year (2005). Last year they fell to RedBull NewYork in the Western Conference Championship. Snoop DO-double-G, Eva Longoria, Nomar Garciapara, and USC head Coach Pete Carroll are all supporters of the Goats. Despite claiming his undying support for English side Millwall, Morrissey has been spotted on the sidelines of the HDC on numerous occasions, although in that video, wearing the entire kit might have been a bit unnecessary.

Coach
In their inaugural season Chivas was managed by former DC United head coach Thomas Rongen. Much like his time in DC Rongen was unsuccessful with the goats. In 2007 former KC Wiz and Miami Fusion forward Preki Radosavljević was named Chivas head coach. Although born in Yugoslavia, Preki obtained his American citizenship in 1996 and made 28 appearances with the Men's National Team. Prior to playing and coaching in the MLS Preki played with Red Star Belgrade, as well as Everton and Portsmouth of the English Premiere League. Preki holds the distinction of being the only player in MLS to have won MLS MVP honors and the scoring title twice. Chivas has advanced to the playoffs both years Preki has been managing.

Supporter's Groups
"Bring the damned son of a bitch out! My order was to hang 30 and by God I'll do it."
Originally named, "San Patricos" after a battalion of the Mexican Army that was comprised of US deserters during the Mexican American War. Upon discovery the deserters were either hanged en mase, or branded with the letter 'd' for deserter, given 50 lashes on their bare backs, and forced to wear iron yokes around their necks for the duration of the war. The name was dropped in favor of Union Ultras prior to the 2008 season, with the goal of becoming the first english speaking supporters group for Chivas USA. With celeb fans like the Mozzer and Snoop, you'd think Chivas' biggest supporters group could enlist their help in some of their songs.

We're not here for the money
Not even for the T.V.
We're just here because we love you
Chivas Chivas USA
Oi Oi Oi

Roster
Notable former players to suit up for the goats include, former DC United defender Ezra Hendrickson, former United striker and current Galaxy forward Alecko Eskandarian, Aston Villa back up goal keeper Brad Guzan, and former US National team defender Carlos Llamosa. Their current roster includes team captain and winner of the 1996 MLS Cup with United mid-fielder Jesse Marsch, former United defender Carey Talley, Cuban Refugee forward Maykel Galindo, US National team defender Jonathan Bornstein, midfielders Sacha Kljestan and Sasha Victorine. Chivas features no former Millwall players what so ever.

The Game
United has struggled in league play recently and will be with out starting goal keeper Josh Wicks, as well as veteran defender Bryan Namoff. United went from having an unbeaten home record at RFK to losing two straight when they've needed points the most. Saturday's game is the second to last home match of the regular season with the final game coming on the 17th against the first place Columbus Crew. If United has any hopes of advancing to post season play they need nothing short of three points. Although United has disappointed me every step of the way this season, they do play their best with their backs to the wall. I'm going with goals from Gomez and Tino.
United 2 : Chivas USA 1
The Chivas Girls are definitely worth mentioning again:

phil friday - misunderstanding

2009-10-02T14:08:00.004+01:00

Prior to the 2005 General Election, Noel Gallagher was famously quoted as saying, "“Vote Labour. If you don’t and the Tories get in, Phil is threatening to come back from Switzerland – and none of us want that.” To which Phil responded, "I don’t care if he likes my music or not. I do care if he starts telling people I’m a whore because of my politics. It’s an opinion based on an old misunderstood quote.”

"Well, if you’re ever remembered at all, it’s only usually for one or two things. With me, it’ll be: ‘He faxed his wife a divorce’, which is actually bollocks, but that’ll be on top of the headstone."

Is there a more misunderstood artist than Phil? Absolutely. However, you have to love a song about getting stood up by a broad only to go by her house afterwards and see her with another man.

mozzer monday - the world is full of crashing bores

2009-09-28T16:25:00.004+01:00

"I think I'm quite dull, really. I see myself rather like an old discarded dishrag. I don't deny that, you know, stand me next to Primal Scream and I'll eat the lot of them alive - and I know you worship the very hair they stand on - but next to someone like that there is no competition. Intellectually, there is no competition at all in pop music any longer! Everyone is so boring! Relentlessly boring! Even those who are considered not to be, bore me stiff. And I can fogive people of anything except dullness." - 1994 interview Select magazine

it's so cold in the d

2009-09-25T20:31:00.005+01:00

Not only is this broad relatively cute, but she's not afraid to mix it up. On a side note, I realize we're in a recession, and I further realize that the D is one of the cities most affected by the recession, however, buy a new god damn Lions jersey. Roy Williams is a cowboy now sweet tits, pick up a Calvin Johnson jersey on your way out I'm certain there's a sale on them. Too bad Sunday's game at Ford Field is blacked out, not only will you miss the roar being restored at the Redskin's expense, but you'll miss classy broads like this:

phil friday - i wish it would rain down

2009-09-25T20:00:00.000+01:00

"He used to be the drummer in a really good band, and when the singer left - he took over."
"Let me ask you a question, how good can he be if he's back playing drums again?"

Is that Apollo Creed filling in for Phil on the drums at the 1:53 mark?

mozzer monday - what difference does it make?

2009-09-21T21:13:00.006+01:00

Reaching #10 on the UK Charts What Difference Does It Make? became the Smiths highest charting hit at the time when it was released in 1984. Strangely, it is Morrissey's most hated Smiths release:

"There's a couple of songs I don't like. In fact, I didn't really like them at the time. Like 'What Difference Does It Make', I thought was absolutely awful the day after the record was pressed" - 1992 interview
"For me, almost all the records have been absolutely perfect, but I can't deny that there are some that haven't aged so gracefully - 'What Difference Does It Make?' ... I regret the production on that now. But that's the only regret, although I might seem like the kind of person that has many regrets."
- 1984 interview

Stranger still are the circumstances surrounding the recording of the song. Morrissey and Johnny Marr originally recorded it on their 1982 demo tape, however, it was to be re-recorded for their 1984 release the Smiths. While Marr, Joyce, and Rourke recorded their parts at Manchetser's Pluto Studios Morrissey stepped out for what the band assumed was 'to grab a bag of chips'. However Morrissey, unhappy with the arrangements of the bands financial terms had other ideas. After waiting for nearly five hours it became apparent the Mozzer was not returning to record his vocals. In fact, Morrissey had left the studio and hopped on the next train to London and headed straight for the band's record labels offices. After the details were sorted out Morrissey would return to record his part in time for the album's final sessions in November of 1983.

phil friday - i don't care anymore

2009-09-18T17:57:00.005+01:00

Few people can pull off a suit and white sneakers; Dr. Evil, Jerry Seinfeld, and Phil are the only ones that come to mind. I Don't Care Anymore is a personal favorite of mine. It's like a giant 5 minute fuck you to some broad, and who doesn't love that?
And I really ain't bothered what you think of me
'cause all I want of you is just a let me be
The video quality on this isn't the best, but the audio is top notch. enjoy bitches:

the great debate: prince vs. jacko

2009-09-17T14:55:00.005+01:00

Just like in Highlander, there can be only one. Since the death of the so-called 'King of Pop' on June 25th a debate has emerged that has eclipsed the deliberation scene from 12 angry men. Who is the better artist? Prince or Michael Jackson? The death of Jacko came as quite a surprise to me, mostly because I was under the impression that he died in the late 90's, but what was an even bigger surprise was the sudden out pouring of emotion the entire country had for him. Once a musical icon, he had faded into obscurity after not releasing an original album in nearly 8 years, and not having a top 10 hit in nearly 15. So in an effort to end this debate once and for all, going down like a monkey presents:

the vitals:

To quote Private Joker in Full Metal Jacket, "The dead know only one thing: it is better to be alive."

edge: Prince

musical ability:

I can respect a few of Michael Jackson’s songs; PVT, Dirty Diana, Thriller, Human Nature, etc. Of those songs, Jacko wrote, exactly one of them – Dirty Diana, and produced only one of them – Dirty Diana. All other writing and producing credits go to Quincy Jones, Steve Porcaro, or John Bettis. You could make the argument that Jackson would never have had a solo career if it weren’t for Quincy Jones, Jones is credited as producer for three of Jackson’s biggest selling albums; Off the Wall, Thriller, and Bad. Conversely, Prince writes and produces all of his own songs. In fact, prior to Purple Rain’s release, Prince went as far as playing every musical instrument on every song he recorded before mixing the final track. Go to the Smithsonian museum of American History, they have Prince’s guitar on display, when it came to Jacko’s glove - they were apparently not interested. Oh, but Jacko was such a great dancer! Are you ready to have your mind blown? Jacko didn’t even invent the moonwalk:

Watch the closing scene from Purple Rain and tell me Prince isn’t a better dancer. While Michael Jackson may have been a great entertainer, his music lacks substance, and aside from singing lyrics that some one else wrote, he had very little to do with his own hits. Need further proof? When Jackson was inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 2001, who did they get to do it? Surely, such an iconic act would have to be inducted by a legend; James Brown, Al Green, maybe Paul McCartney, Jay-Z, perhaps Sting? No, instead they got perennial no-talent boy banders, N'Sync to present his award. In the interest of full disclosure, Prince didn't fare much better when he was inducted in 2004, having Alicia Keys and OutKast introduce him.

edge: Prince

entourage: This looks like another tough one. Prince has: The Revolution, The New Power Generation, Lisa & Wendy, Morris Day & the motherfuckin' Time. He's undoubtedly put stones to: Carmen Electra, Sheila E, Vanity, Apolonia, Sheena Easton, Kim Bassinger, Stevie Nicks, and even Marvin Gaye's daughter Nona. Conversly, Jacko hung with: Macaully Culkin, bubles the chimp, a freaking llama named Louie, the elephant man's decomposing corpse, countless pre-pubescent boys who had a taste for jesus juice, and even asked that Elizabeth Taylor get custody of his ALLEGED children after his death. I will give him a bit of credit for marrying Lisa Marie Presley, however even the most fervent Jacko fan would have trouble convincing me they actually consummated that fraud of a marriage.

edge: Prince

controversy:

After hearing her 12 year old daughter playing 'Darling Niki' off of the Purple Rain album, uber-cunt Tipper Gore was so appauled by the notion of a girl sitting "in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine" that she formed the Parents Music Resource Center. The P.M.R.C. most famously petitioned Congress to have Parental Advisory Stickers added to any song that offended their delicate sensibilities. In 1993, Jacko was accused for the first of many times of molesting an underaged boy at his Neverland Ranch. While Jackson maintains his innocence, he did setle the civil suit for $22 million dollars. Did he jerk off a 12 year old? I don't know I wasn't there, all I can say is $22 million is a whole lot to pay someone for not jerking them off. If that's the case, I'd like to file a lawsuit against Katy Perry, and Lady Ga-Ga, surely I deserve some cash for them not giving me a handjob. Although he seemed so normal, once again he'd be accused of child molestation again in 2003. Writing a song about hooking up with a sex fiend, or touching under aged boys? Wow, that's a tough choice.

edge: His Purple Majesty

album sales:Undoubtedly, Michael Jackson has sold more albums than any other artist. Estimates put his sales between 350 and 700 million worldwide. Thriller is the best selling album of all time selling over 110 million copies. Prince's best known album, Purple Rain, on the other hand has sold somewhere in the neighborhood of 13 million copies. In fact Jackson, in an obvious attempt to detract attention away from prince, died on June 25th, 2009 - the 25th anniversary of the release of Purple Rain. Clearly, Jackson get's the edge in record sales. This only serves to prove another point, people love shit music. Don't believe me? The Bodyguard Soundtrack sold 42 million copies, the Eagles Greatest Hits - 42 million, The Backstreet Boys' Millennium - 40 million, and the BeeGees Saturday Night Fever Soundtrack - 40 million. Shit, Shit, Shit, Shit. Well you say, no one buys music anymore - top three songs on iTunes this week: Paparazzi - Lady GaGa, Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus, I Gotta Feeling - Black Eyed Peas. There is a reason why American Idol is so succesful, people love to listen to shit. So Jacko wins this round, but with an asterisk.

edge: Jacko*

So there you have it Prince beats out Michael Jackson by a score of 4-1, ending the debate once and for all. Jackson faded into obscurity, rarely seen in public, his face becoming a charicature of a 50 year old white woman - looking nothing like he had some 25 years ago at the peak of his popularity. Then, upon his death, every yupie in the country suddenly rushed to download thriller, and proclaim how tragic his death was. It begs the question, will other celebrities be mourned inspite of their transgresions upon their death? Will OJ Simpson be revered in death as one of the greatest running backs of all time, with no mention of killing Nicole Brown Simpson & that other dude that no one remembers? Will everyone rush to Best Buy to pick up the Naked Gun Trilogy, while wearing their USC hats? Will Pete Rose be voted into the hall of fame the first ballot after his death, while everyone forgives him for gambling on baseball? Clearly you can jerk off as many 12 year old boys as you want and when you die - all is forgiven. Cry me a fucking river Jacko fans, I guarantee you on June 24th, 2009 you couldn't have cared less about Michael Jackson. In summary: Prince > Jacko

ol' dirty bastard still king of awkward award show moments

2009-09-14T20:50:00.007+01:00

So Kanye interrupted Taylor Swift at the VMA's last night. Good for him, you can say what you want about him being rude, drunk, etc... but The College Dropout is still the shit. Sure, Taylor Swift is kind of hot, in a girl next door way, but Beyonce's song couldn't be more played out, and who gives a shit about MTV anyway? For the best and most warranted award show speech interruption you have to go back to the 40th Grammy Awards ('98), when none other than Ol' Dirty Bastard himself interrupted Shawn Colvin's award speech for Song of the Year to protest Puff Daddy's win for best rap album. A few observations: what the shit is Puffy doing winning a Grammy? Who the fuck is Shawn Colvin? Subquestion, how many Grammy voters did she fellate to win song of the year? Mmmm...bop totally deserved the win. Not only was ODB right, but wu-tang is in fact 'for the children'.

mozzer monday - we hate it when our friends become successful

2009-09-14T17:23:00.003+01:00

One of the Mozzer's idols, Oscar Wilde, famously stated, "Your friends will sympathize with everything but your success." With that in mind, Morrissey penned this tale of finding fame while living in an overwhelmingly blue-collar suburb of Manchester, saying, "There's this vicious sense of competition in Manchester - so many jealous, vile creatures. That's what We Hate it When Our Friends Become Successful is all about. In Manchester you're accepted so long as your scrambling and on your knees. But if you have any success or are independent or a free spirit, they hate your guts." When asked during the same interview about British Comedian Vic Reeves, who had recently released a skit entitled Morrissey The Consumer Monkey? and even went so far as to call the Mozzer a cunt, Morrissey fired back, "Well, he has to be the biggest pop star in Manchester and he must trample on anybody who threatens his position. He always has surrounded himself with people who can barely talk and who are no threat to his "personality". The day that somebody shoves him in the boot of a car and drives his body to Saddleworth Moor and leaves it there, is the day that Manchester music will be revived."

phil friday - that's all

2009-09-11T19:05:00.003+01:00

Is there anyone who pulled off the balding mullet better than Phil? Phil Friday is from Genesis' 1987 tour in which they became the first band to sell out Wembley stadium four days in a row. I can't imagine why Tony Banks would need 9 seperate keyboards on stage, nor have I ever seen a smaller guitar than the one Mike Rutherford is playing. Phil clearly not on the drums for this tour and, as of today, it appears he won't be playing the drums ever again. Enjoy bitches:

happy birthday to the king of soul

2009-09-09T03:30:00.025+01:00

Otis Ray Redding, Jr.
September 9, 1941 – December 10, 1967

In 1966, Britian's Melody Maker Magazine named Otis Redding International Male Vocalist of the Year, a distinction that for each of the previous ten years had been awarded to Elvis Presley. Although his career spanned less than seven years, Redding is still one of the most influential musicians of the last century. A note to any young talented musicians out there; perhaps consider a tour bus, instead of flying private, look for the top 5 musical careers ended in fiery plane crashes soon.

top 5 Otis Redding Songs

(sittin' on)the dock of the bay

The song that he is probably best known for. Recorded days before Otis and four members of his back up band the Bar-Kays died in a plane crash after playing his final show in Cleveland, Ohio. (More words of wisdom, stay out of Ohio, nothing good can come from visiting that putrid state.) Redding's only Billboard number one hit. Write this down:

"I can't do what ten people tell me to do
so I guess I'll remain the same"

respect

That fat turd Aretha Franklin had to steal this song and turn it into some "empowering women" anthem, and who ever wanted that? God damn liberal bitches. Rolling Stone Magazine named Aretha's version the #5 song on their list of The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time. The last line of the song, take care...tcb (taking care of business) was a rallying cry for the African-American culture of the 60's and 70's. TCB also became Elvis's motto, appearing on his neclace and even his private plane. At the Monterrey Pop Festival in 1967, Redding laughingly introduced Respect as the song, "that little girl done stole from me, but I'm gonna sing it anyway."
you left the water running

Helping to prove my point, that everything in life relates back to High Fidelity: In the novel, and a deleted scene from the movie Rob goes to purchase the singles vinyl collection of a woman who's selling her husband's collection after he ran off with a 19 year old to Jamaica (good for him). When Rob refuses to take the bargain offer, citing - "I couldn't do that to another collector", the one single he asks to purchase - Otis Redding's You Left the Water Running.

i've been loving you too long

Yet another song that fat ass Aretha Franklin tried to steal and make her own, after she covered it on her 1972 album Young, Gifted, and Fat...I mean Black. After the Rolling Stones covered this classic in 1965, Redding returned the compliment covering (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction and arguably doing it better than Mick Jager.

hard to handle

Although the Black Crowes cover of this song is probably more popular, as well as my drunken karaoke version from a vacation in Aruba, hands down the best Otis Redding song. Released after his death in 1968 as the b-side to Amen - the Crowes version reached #1 on the mainstream rock charts in 1990.

Pretty little thing, let me light your candle'
Cause mama I'm sure hard to handle, now, gets around

the return of it's always sunny

2009-09-08T17:47:00.003+01:00

Most times I'd say watch this with no pants on, however, I think the time has come to take my shirt off...blast my nips! Enjoy bitches:

mozzer monday - death of a disco dancer

2009-09-07T22:52:00.003+01:00

One of the more overlooked Smiths classics. Even today, it still finds it's way in to most of Morrissey's solo sets. It's also the only song ever released by the Smiths where the mozzer picks up an instrument credit for his piano work saying, "I just fell onto a piano and began to bang away". The lyrics are more or less a follow up to "Panic" which was recorded less than a year earlier. Showing Morrissey's distaste for the rave going ecstasy taking crowd even hinting that their 'love, peace, and harmony' dreams were just that. 'Very nice' and perhaps possible only upon death 'maybe in the next world'. If you listen to the original studio recording on Strangeways, Here We Come turned up as loud as possible (and why wouldn't you turn it up as loud as possible) just before the end around the 5:22 mark you can hear Johnny Marr remark "Some bits..." before it cuts off. Studio mics picked him up declaring, "Some bits of that were incredible!". Agreed.

phil friday - sussudio

2009-09-04T19:53:00.004+01:00

Do you like Phil Collins? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that I really didn't understand any of their work. It was too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins' presence became more apparent. I think "Invisible Touch" is the group's undisputed masterpiece. It's an epic meditation on intangibility, at the same time it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums. Christie, take off the robe. Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. Sabrina, remove your dress. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship and sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Sabrina, why don't you uhhh dance a little? Take the lyrics to "Land of Confusion." In this song, Phil Collins addresses the problem of abusive political authority. "In Too Deep" is the most moving pop song of the 1980s about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I've heard in rock. Christie, get down on your knees, so Sabrina can see your asshole. Phill Collins solo career seem to be more commercial and therefore more satisfying in a narrower way, especially songs like "In the Air Tonight" and "Against All Odds." Sabrina, don't just stare at it. Eat it. But I also think that Phill Collins works best within the confines of the group than as a solo artist-and I stress the word artist. This is "Sussudio," a great, great song, a personal favorite.

boondock saints II: all saints day trailer

2009-09-03T15:46:00.003+01:00

Who's in the mood for some gratuitous violence? After last nights Open Cup Final I know I am.

More Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day News & Previews

Based on the trailer I'm going to give this one two pairs of pants all the way off. Release date on the movie is set for October 30th.